On Tuesday, Jan. 16, a group of friends on Maui gathered for a sneak preview of the new MTV reality series, Maui Fever.
In it, another group of friends on Maui display for the rest of America
what it’s like to be young, carefree and (white) hot, while having all
sorts of messy relations on the West Side.
[Onscreen, the intro rolls]
HEIDI (shaking head): Are you kidding me?
KRISTA (grimacing): Who are these Barneys?
WENDY (mouth agape in horror): Whaa??
KRISTA: Ohmygosh! Okay, that guy walked up to me once and said,
“Heyyyy,” and I said, “You just need to turn around and walk away,” and
he was like, “Whatever!”
HEIDI: None of ‘em even look mixed! They’re all white people!
ANTHONY: Just like Maui!
KRISTA: Okay, does she even have a bathing suit on? Okay, what are you?
HEIDI (mocking): Oh, I am so totally local! Like, I am sooo da kine!
ANTHONY (snorting): This is so natural.
(KRISTA places hand over mouth)
HEIDI: I think I saw those two fucking on Halloween. We saw a couple on the beach and my friend was like, “I’m next!”
WENDY: Oh my God. This isn’t scripted?
HEIDI: I haven’t seen a brown person yet. Not a Hawaiian or an Asian or a Mexican or anyone!
ANTHONY: It’s frightening how eerily real this is.
KRISTA: Oh, that one guy’s from here, I think.
ME:Yeah, that’s Cheyne. He’s actually pretty cool.
HEIDI: Oh my God.
HEIDI: This has only been on for five minutes and I’ve been wanting
to vomit for eight. That’s how bad it is. I had a pre-emptive headache
before I came in. I really regret this decision. I am ashamed to be
white and on Maui.
WENDY: Ohhhh. My. God.
HEIDI: That guy is a tool.
KRISTA: Whatever, that’s my man.
HEIDI: This chick’s not even hot.
KRISTA: She’s blonde.
ANTHONY: Just like all women on Maui.
KRISTA: My heart hurts. The thing is, I grew up on this beach and we did not do these things.
HEIDI: You were not so da kine?
KRISTA: It’s wrong with a capital “w” and a hard “g.”
HEIDI: It’s so bad and wrong it should be a new word. Like, ba-dong!
ANTHONY: Oh wait, there’s—yep, that’s the only Hawaiian you’ll see in the show.
ME (looking up from notes): Did I miss it?
ANTHONY: It was that statue by the Hard Rock.
[Quiet, as onscreen hook-ups commence]
HEIDI: Do you think these girls go home with them ‘cause they’ve got a camera crew?
ANTHONY: Hey, who let the local guy in?
HEIDI: Uh oh, drunk girls in the house grinding the guys—with the lights on?
JEN: Yeah, who does that?
WENDY: I can’t believe they would do something like this.
JEN: I can’t believe they haven’t done this before now.
KRISTA: I can’t believe they’d do it without locals.
ANTHONY: It’s MTV, it’s homogenized.
HEIDI: I wanna know what a brown person thinks watching this show.
KRISTA: If this makes us angry, what do you think it’s going to do to them?
BRAD (walking in): Is that Danny Bonaduce?
ANTHONY: It’s just like Laguna Beach but it’s Maui.
ME: You know, maybe we acted like this, too, in our early 20’s.
JEN: Yeah, but we didn’t have the lights on.
ANTHONY: Well, I was white when I was young.
WENDY: I never did that.
KRISTA: I didn’t have the catty drama.
ANTHONY: Yeah but you didn’t have the camera in your face and MTV saying, “Hey let’s put you on television,” either.
JEN: The only drama when we were 20 was vomiting and passing out.
ME (briefly looking up from notes): Hey, I think I lived in that house.
KRISTA: I think all of us have at one time or another.
[On screen, what looks to be a surf lesson is taking place]
KRISTA: Oh, I feel so ill right now. Oh, my boyfriend! I hate him. “Brah! Like race? BRAH! Shoots!” Shut up.
[Some guys on screen play `ukuleles during a party on Fleming Beach]
ANTHONY: Here’s another rare cameo appearance of locals! That’s how you can tell it’s not Laguna Beach.
KRISTA: Ick. Blase?—What’s that chick’s name?
HEIDI: Yeah, this isn’t scripted. ‘Cause I always cruise over to
Flemings and nobody’s there. And hey, I think I saw her once dancing in
her thong and a wife beater at Paradice Bluz.
WENDY: That has to be the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
HEIDI: I feel like somebody owes me a drink.
Maui Fever airs on MTV, Wednesdays at 10:30 p.m.
Samantha Campos is totally feeling you. MTW