1. You see somebody across the bar you want to meet but who doesn’t seem to notice you. You:
a) Walk over, tap them on the shoulder and say, “Hey, buy me a drink.”
b) Casually wriggle out of your ankle monitoring device and ask them to dance.
c) Start making out with the bartender.
d) Wave, smile and wink… naked.
2. On the first date, a guy should never say:
a) “Didn’t I see you at Moose’s last Tuesday?”
b) “Those look sooo real!”
c) “It’s getting late, I should probably call my mom.”
d) “Let’s just go back to your place.”
3. On the first date, it’s acceptable for a girl to:
a) Offer to pay for dinner.
b) Offer to pay for dinner at Mama’s Fish House.
c) Offer to pay for dinner at Mama’s Fish House and then have sex in the parking lot afterwards.
d) Complain about her ex who always wanted her to have sex in the parking lot after dinner.
4. An acceptable date on Maui is:
a) Hanging out all night in some guy’s van.
b) Going zip lining in Kula and then wild boar hunting in Kahakaloa, clothing optional.
c) Bar hopping, then crashing some hot tub at a resort.
d) Dinner and a movie.
5. You’ve been going out for three weeks. His/her parents are visiting from upstate New York. You:
a) Suddenly develop bird flu-like symptoms.
b) Offer to take them snorkeling in Kahului Harbor.
c) Present them with a gift certificate for a week-long Tantric retreat in Haiku.
d) Leave your sexual reassignment surgery paperwork on the kitchen counter.
6. You think your boyfriend/girlfriend and your roommate may be having an affair but you have no evidence. You:
a) Confront them in an open, non-threatening manner.
b) Ask your boyfriend/girlfriend’s roommate, while you’re in bed with them both.
c) See if you can still get booked on the Jerry Springer Show.
d) Don’t give it a second thought—those things hardly ever happen!
7. You’ve tried everything but sometimes love just isn’t enough. It’s time to breakup. So you:
a) Do it over a quiet dinner at Cheeseburger in Paradise with all your friends.
b) Send a text message.
c) Stage your own death and sign up with the Witness Protection Program.
d) Start a blog. Or a column.
Points: 1) a-1, b-2, c-3, d-0; 2) a-3, b-0, c-2, d-1; 3) a-1, b-3,
c-2, d-0; 4) a-3, b-0, c-1, d-2; 5) a-0, b-3, c-1, d-2; 6) a-1, b-0,
c-3, d-2; 7) a-2, b-3, c-1, d-0.
18-15… The Player: You’ve been dating on Maui and honey, it shows.
14-11… The Gamer: You’ve made some mistakes here and there and yet, you’re still getting laid.
10-6… The Hopeful and/or Clueless: Why listen to your friends? They’re just miserable and jealous anyway.
5-0… Congratulations! You’ve won a date with Holoholo Girl!
Samantha Campos has never been to Dubrovnik, Croatia, but heard it’s lovely this time of year. MTW