Party up, would you like to come? / Put your faith in a pool of rum / Perfect smile with a crooked tooth / She was dressed as a kissing booth.
– Jinja Safari, “Hiccups”
Have you ever called your boss–six hours after your shift’s supposed to start–to tell him you just woke up sans-pants, clothed only in your vomit? I have.
If you want, you should try it sometime; that is, if you 1) have a really cool boss; 2) don’t value your quality of life; and 3) have at least one good friend who’s willing to throw you over their shoulder like a continental soldier, hike you home and “hose you off outside like a wild animal” (to quote said friend verbatim).
Why try? That kind of gnarly hangover–one that makes you wish you were dead instead–is a fast-track to a Masters from the School of Hard Knocks; quick as degree from DeVry but cooler, more substantive and makes for a great answer to that annoyingly ubiquitous job interview question (you know, after you’re fired for being a no-show).
INTERVIEWER: “Now that I’ve heard about your strengths, tell me about your weaknesses.”
INTERVIEWEE: [Insert the standard, “Oh, I work too hard; am too committed…” followed by] “I’m honest to a fault. The best leaders–which I can already tell you are (insert sleazy wink)–make a point of surrounding themselves with those who aren’t afraid to voice a little dissidence if for the good of the company. And further, if I’m so hungover I must miss work, once I regain consciousness I’ll call and tell you so–instead of lying and saying my cat died or that I have food poisoning.”
The Interviewer might think you’re joking (a healthy sense of humor in the workplace is a plus!), but when s/he hires you and finds your lip service really does extend to the pau hana glass, s/he can’t say you didn’t warn them.
Then again, no matter how much you love the nightlife (and sometimes the daylife; OK, the anytimelife) and love to boogie, honesty about hangovers only goes so far, so often. While rest is part of the cure for any ailment, sometimes you’ve gotta suck it up after suckin’ ‘em down and get through the day anyway.
So, as MauiTime’s resident drunk (which is saying something), I’ve been assigned to share a few hangover remedies in honor of our annual Bar Guide. (Oh, and I suppose fixing the feeling of dear-god-every-cell-hurts-like-hell shouldn’t be underrated.)
1) PREVENTION & HYDRATION – The lamest on the list because it requires responsibility and planning, whatever that is. It should be mentioned that the British Medical Journal reports the obvious: “No compelling evidence exists to suggest that any conventional or complementary intervention is effective for preventing or treating alcohol hangover. The most effective way to avoid the symptoms of alcohol induced hangover is to avoid drinking.” Seeing as that’s out of the question, let’s take another cue from the Europeans and drink as they do, i.e. with lots of water between libations. After all, alcohol is a diuretic and dehydrating (as is puking when you’ve gone too far). So downing a river of electrolyte-rich drinks like coconut water or sports stuff is helpful before, during and after drinking.
2) LA‘AU LAPA‘AU – Ever since Hawaiian herbal healing has been co-opted by the hippies, arborists have reported a drastic decrease in the number of nuts produced by kukui trees, seeing as the kanaka cure is naught but fresh kukui blossoms. Kidding! I made the hippie part up. But seriously, chewing and swallowing a handful of little white kukui flowers is a trick worth trying. Sure, it tastes bad, but so does puke. You pick.
3) PILL POPPIN’ – There’s stuff like NoHang or Chaser, available online or in fine gas stations, which some say helps mitigate the morning-after moans (see #5). A likewise alternative is milk thistle, which like the aforementioned brands simply helps the liver process toxins. Then there’s stuff like Acetylcysteine, Chlormethiazole, Tolfenamic acid and Rosiglitazone which sounds scarier than the wrath of the porcelain god.
4) HAIR OF THE DOG – Nothing like bandaging a wet wound so that it won’t heal. Oh, sweet tradition. Oh, sweeter breakfast beverages like mimosas or Bloody Marys. The wives’ tale is that it staves off withdrawal, but really it just postpones the hurtin’. At least, it’s fun.
5) MOANING MISERABLY – My favorite. Hearing yourself feeling bad for yourself really makes you realize how pathetic you are, how that whole responsibility and planning thing really isn’t so bad after all, and how–if nothing else but to avoid getting fired–you really ought to wash the wine out of your hair and find some pants.
To read more Kula Kid with links and photos and stuff, and to leave comments, visit mauifeed.com/kulakid