People are always asking me, “How do we get with the chicks/dudes?” And to tell you the truth, homeys—I have no idea. I mean, sure, there are the bars and the late-night lines at Jack in the Box and those super VIP parties I crashed at last week’s Film Festival in Wailea, but I’m no expert in meeting potential mates for long-term potential. So on the sly, I asked a few of my more intelligent, less-barhopping single pals and this is what I got…
ME: What’s the ideal way to meet a guy?
SHE #1: Accidentally. Like in a bookstore or a record store or at the beach. Somewhere that you just somehow come together and realize that you enjoy one another’s company, but if it doesn’t work out, they aren’t gonna be all up in your space (like a work associate or classmate).
So… you’re at the bookstore or record store or beach, and then… they talk to you? What do they say?
Something small talkish. Like, “I just bought that record last week. It’s amazing. Do you have their earlier stuff?” and then it snowballs into a lengthy conversation where you find out the two of you have stuff in common and similar senses of humor and interests.
But do you or they initiate conversation, ideally? Does it matter?
Ideally, he starts it. But, if it starts out that small, it doesn’t matter. Oh, I have a perfect example; that guy I met on the plane. I leaned forward to push my bag under the chair and he looked over and smiled, then a baby cried and we both sort of chuckled and I said, “Is it gonna be like that?” and we talked the whole rest of the way.
* * *
ME: What’s the ideal way to meet a girl?
HE: You’re asking ME?
I’m talking “ideal” here—how would you love to meet a cool girl, ideally?
Probably at a concert or museum or something.
And then what? Do you say something to them or do they initiate conversation, you know, in an ideal situation?
Is this going into your column?
We’re just chatting here. Sheesh!
It’s okay if it is.
It might. Just playing around with ideas right now. Just answer the freakin’ question, please.
Well, I guess the ideal way for me to meet a girl is at a museum. That way I know she’s smart and cultured even before I find out if she can speak English. I suppose I’m walking around, checking out the various paintings or sculptures or antique airplanes or whatever it is they have there, and I see her stopped and studying something I happen to know something about, which gives me an excuse to talk to her. Is that sufficient?
Yes, thank you.
Cool.
* * *
ME: What’s the ideal way to meet a guy?
SHE #2: Through a mutual friend. Is that correct? Why do you ask?
Just curious. So like, you’d want to be set up by mutual friends or you all just happen to be hanging out together somewhere?
The former. I’d want it to be a real date but when mutual friends set you up, they usually have your best interests in mind and hopefully know the type of person that appeals to you. Are you getting set up by someone?
Oh no. I don’t think I’ve ever been set up, come to think of it—I think it’s because my friends have my best interests in mind. Ha! And I barely know the type of person that appeals to me, anyway…
Another ideal way is to release a sex tape like Paris Hilton did.
Interesting. Could you clarify?
Guys always follow their dicks so naturally they’re going to flock to a girl they’ve watched give it up. It’s an ideal way to meet guys but doesn’t mean the guys you meet will be ideal. But you know, guys are like buses—another one comes along every five minutes. Or, at least, buses on the mainland do anyway.
I think I’ll just ride my bike, thanks.
When you ride your bike, are you going to have a basket with books and carry a martini glass full of bubbly alcohol?
Samantha Campos has recently become secretly engaged to the creator of Haagen-Dazs’ Mayan Chocolate ice cream. MTW
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