1. We know the difference between you telling us we’re beautiful after you’ve done something wrong or you want something, and you telling us we’re beautiful when we’re covered in flour from an attempt to make your birthday cake from scratch.
2. We’d make out with your sister if we got drunk enough.
3. No, we don’t think your Playgirl pose is sexy nor does it substitute as foreplay.
4. Whenever we’re telling you a really juicy story and it’s about, “my friend—oh, you don’t know her,” we really mean us.
5. We may fantasize about the lead singer but we know the drummer’s better in bed.
6. We don’t mind you checking out the ass on that hot chick at the bar—really, it’s cool. Just know that we’re timing you.
7. If you’re looking to ease our premenstrual tension, simultaneous indulgence in sex and chocolate may not help, but it can’t hurt.
8. It’s true—we are always ready for sex, just not always with you.
9. Ultimately we do your laundry because we don’t trust you. And we definitely, definitely don’t want you to do ours—trust us.
10. When we say, “I can’t deal with this right now,” it means you need to apologize fast so that we can admit we were wrong, too. Or, that we’re running late to meet that drummer.
11. Yes, we like lavender-guava-turmeric-cacao scented exfoliating soap. Get over it.
12. Even now, we would still sleep with Paul Newman.
(Our apologies to Esquire, the greatest magazine on the planet.
And please check me out at www.myspace.com/holohologirl.)
Samantha Campos just did that ‘cause her boss told her to. MTW