Don’t you know that you woke up the entire neighborhood when you went whistling and yelling for your dog at two in the morning? Or that the time you drove all around the neighborhood for hours in that loud beat-up truck of yours yelling, “Walter come here you fucking dog” was even worse? You’re the worst neighbor ever. You must be on crack or something. In fact, I bet you voted for W in 2004. In case you didn’t know, living on Maui is expensive. Most people need to sleep so they can go to work. And just so you know, when you get up in the middle of the night to cuss and bitch about your dog, in between your yelling and whistling, we can all hear you loud and clear. “This is some stupid guy,” I think when I hear you, and I know I’m not alone. Hey, it’s natural for dogs to want to run—especially from some prick that smacks him around. Have you heard about these new inventions just for people like you? They’re called “collars” and “leashes.” I’ve actually seen other dog owners use them. Please do us all a favor and check them out.