Thanks for insulting me at your birthday party last weekend, and thanks for your nasty language. Your public mockery of my appearance, comparing me to a “dog” and referring to the “junk” in my “trunk,” was unnecessary and cruel. Not only was it humiliating to be made fun of by a bunch of perfect strangers, but to hear it go on for an hour was shocking. Maybe if you spent less time guzzling beer and stroking the nub in your pants you would be able to carry on a more enlightened, intelligent conversation. Did you ever think about discussing politics or the current state of the world, instead of picking on a poor, innocent bystander who was simply minding her own business? I suppose I should feel sorry for someone like you, given the fact that you probably never made it out of high school and seem more interested in prying open a girl’s legs than the pages of a book. Frankly, I’m relieved that you find me ugly, because I’d rather be a full-on lesbian than have sex with you.