I bitch about TSA every time, but I gotta thank you, the Maui Airport security guy who recently had the “pleasure” of X-raying my man purse. As I was clearing the security checkpoint with my five-month old daughter strapped to my chest and my fiance waiting for me ahead, I noticed you laugh at the screen, re-xray my bag, then summon three other co-workers. You all laughed and pointed. Then you brought me my bag, laughed, slapped it and said, “Here’s your bag, it’s vibrating.” I was in a post-flight stupor and thought nothing of it. But the next day as I was unpacking, I opened the bag and saw a nine-inch blue vibrating dildo peering out at me, draining the last of the battery after buzzing all night. I only know one pervert who’s sick enough to do this to a person, but I seriously need to thank the TSA guy for being discrete, for not yelling “BAG CHECK” and then holding a public showing of the, um, item in question. You did me a favor, friend, and I thank you.
Illustration by Ron Pitts