Didn’t you sea turtles get the memo? The United States Endangered Species List is literally the hospice of the animal kingdom! You got put on it a few years ago. So everyone prepared to say their goodbyes, gave you 15 foot or whatever, roped off the beach, worked on medicating your funny face fungus thing, and waited for you to follow the Dodo into animal heaven. BUT YOU CAME BACK! All that silly crap worked! Now you line the beaches like you own the joint, hiding behind your federal protection, and repopulating like bunnies! What gives? The monk seals got the memo, they got put on the list, still declining at over 3% a year, and we all love seeing them, cuz anytime could be the last, kinda like a grandma or somethin. We are all super bored of you, you take up too much space on the beach, and you clutter the surfbreak. But you goons are abusing your status on the list, your starring role in the nemo series, and your general cute disposition… time to start acting a little more like the common turtle that you are, before you become soup!!!
Illustration by Ron Pitts