Eh brah! Last weekend, I got really drunk doing shots at lunch and decided to leave my car locked, though I stupidly left the keys on the console. It was only 4pm so I figured it would be safe. Oops! That night, I got my spare keys and went with a friend around midnight to get the car. When we got there the car was broken into. You had pried the door open and taken the windshield wipers, antenna and my keys. Seemed weird that you’d take my keys. Anyway, I started the car and it ran perfectly. I put the car in gear then I heard the keys fall onto the pavement. They were on top of the tire! I don’t know whether to wish you a painful death or the best of luck. So just, mahalo, I guess.
Illustration: Ron Pitts