If there’s one thing MauiTime readers aren’t shy about, it’s complaining. And not always at us, either! For the last dozen years or so, our Eh Brah! column has consistently been among readers’ best loved features. And it’s easy to see why: each week, someone anonymously calls out a jerk, thief, fool and/or human parasite for making life a little worse for everyone on Maui (which artist Ron Pitts then humorously illustrates). Sure, sometimes readers write in with so-called “positive Eh Brahs”–cheerful thanks for someone’s selfless action–but for the most part readers send us Eh Brah submissions of a negative nature.
Because we publish just one a week, Eh Brah blurbs have a tendency to collect, even gather dust. So here, to celebrate the suddenly quiet times following our monster Best of Maui issue, we present you a huge array of reader-composed Eh Brahs for your pleasure. And please, if you have an Eh Brah of your own you’d like to submit (200 words or less, with all names removed, of course), please email it to Ehbrah@mauitime.com or mail it to Eh Brah, c/o MauiTime, 16 S. Market St., #2K, Wailuku, HI 96753.
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Every day I can hear you and your wife from my condo’s bedroom window yelling at your kids and what sounds like smacking them as well, judging from their wailing. You’re always telling your cute little daughters–who aren’t even old enough to go to school–are always being told to “F-ing come here NOW,” “Shut the F up” and more. I’ve called the cops and CPS on you but that didn’t seem to do much. When you leave the house before 7am, yelling all the way to the car, are you aware that all your neighbors can hear you yelling at your kids? I will not mind my own business while you abuse your kids, and by the way, you’re raising them to be exactly like you: angry and abusive.
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Eh Brah! What were thinking honking at us on Kahakuloa Road from your little moped? You and your little convoy of bikes wouldn’t be polite and pull to the side for us, so we drove around you. Then you started slamming your little beep-beep horn and pulled up to us. “What’s your problem, bro?!” you yelled at my boyfriend. Seriously? We thought about pulling over and teaching you a lesson, but I was hungry so we just took off. You were soon out of sight, but if I closed my eyes I could still hear you impotently hitting your little beep-beep horn.
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What gives with just letting your car run while you were off doing who knows what? Look, if you’re going to be somewhere for more than 10 seconds, please just turn off your car’s engine. It just makes sense. Vehicle idling (esp. around schools) is hazardous to our health, wastes gas and costs you money. Even if you’re ridiculously rich, you’ll still be doing the rest of us a favor. Thanks.
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I thought there was some sort of odd festival on a Wednesday afternoon as the horn sound became louder. We were sitting in the sunlight at a local drinking place on South Kihei Road when the horn was stopped at the light in front of us. For the whole light cycle, you kept it up–repeatedly blowing your red pickup truck horn. You were obviously pissed at the older couple in the rental car in front of you, but that meant nothing to you. You had a horn! And we have ears. Those two make bad friends. Someday the older people will be having a nice day and–perhaps–you will have that horn removed from your butt.
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Are you the guy with about 40 one-ended hoses at your house? In order to rinse off at Kanaha Beach, I keep having to scrounge up replacement half-hoses (we just need to attach it to the spigot) a couple times a week. My main question is, what the heck do you use them for?
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Eh brah, it’s not so bad that you’re raising chickens in a residential neighborhood. But it is bad that you don’t keep them contained in your yard. Letting them run wild and tear up the neighborhood is irresponsible and disrespectful. Have a little aloha and keep them cooped up!
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I’m an old lady who moved to Maui from the mainland a couple of years ago. A couple of weeks ago I was snorkeling at Kapalua Bay. I thought the bay was a marine preserve, like Honolua. One day recently I saw a man with a bag and a stick, and thought he was spearfishing. I swam up to him and saw that it was an octopus picking stick. I asked him if it was okay for him to do that, and he said, yes, it was permitted. He was obviously a really sweet guy. As for me, I would say my tone was accusatory and not particularly nice. I called the Department of Land and Natural Resources, and sure enough, you can fish and take tako at Kapalua Bay! As for me, I apologize and will refrain from sticking my nose into other peoples’ business.
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I was parked next to the Friends of the Library Bookstore in Pu‘unene. You saw a briefcase on the seat of my car and smashed my window to get it. The stuff in there was just important Maui Friends of the Library papers. Nothing worth anything to anybody else! For all of the 125 volunteer workers who do it all for our libraries–auwe! What a waste. All the time and energy these people do every day as volunteers, you screwed up in a minute with your greed. Go home and figure yourself out.
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Eh Brah, you’re stinking up the neighborhood! You must feel all pumped up after killing a defenseless wild pig and you probably feel even better knowing you dumped your kill on the side of the road in a residential neighborhood. This rotting and decomposing pig is creating a smell that’s so horrific it makes me want to vomit. You must not live in the area or you’d be smelling it too. I wish you were here so I could rub your nose in it. Stop dumping your kills next to our homes!
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Eh brah, my wife and I took a walk from the Kihei boat dock south and left our sandals on the grass lawn of the condos to walk barefoot for a while. When we got back my sandals were gone. Really? You like used slippers? Hope you needed them more than me.
Illustrations: Ron Pitts
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