Tweetering on the Edge
MauiTime – December 23, 2010; Volume 14, Issue 27
by Anu Yagi
“Transdermal celebration / caused a slight mutation in the rift / It toppled down a nation / and left the people running for the hills / But the mutants that I see / shine their beauty unto me / I wish you could see them.”
So it’s come to this. Lunacy.
“For god’s sake, @anuheayagi Anu,” I screamed aloud. “Pull yourself together!” The apps on my iPhone wiggled with little “Xs” in their corners and I flung my Twitter app into the furthest black screen, hoping that might curb my mania. No sane person should Tweet 22 times in 24 hours, historic lunar eclipse or no. It’s gotten to the rotten point where I think in 140 characters or less, and assess every passing half-thought based on whether or not it’s tweet-worthy. It never is. Nothing is. And no one cares (or should care) if I’ve gotten a haircut, a flat tire—or two—or the specifics of my poor eating habits. (Except when I write about those things in a 600-word column; then you should totally care. #ifthat’syoursortofthing)
But there I was at 2am, one eye straining skyward for a glimpse of a reemerging moon, the other peering at a blinking cursor, wondering what to tweet next. Willingly standing in a rain not heavy enough to dissuade Haiku’s mosquitoes — which with every bite aimed to turn me into the elephant woman — I clung to my phone and said about as much: #offtojointhecircus
I was just about to “send” to my (current) 229 followers, “Am I a vain person if this sliver moon is reminding me to clip my toenails?” when suddenly the clouds parted.
#OMG. What have I become? Inflamed bug bites aside, I was indeed a freak. And one with unmerited vanity at that. A silly serial tweeter obsessed with @ replies and my followers-to-following ratio, even when most of my followers are bots.
But the real (and again, ridiculously vain) reason I’ve been on a Twitterampage is that the @safran_john (a true-blue international celebrity and “documentary maker (of sorts),” who is the sole soul on my “potential husbands” Twitter list) started following me last week, and when one marries two obsessions, nothing good will come of it.
Then again, I blame @safran_john, because it was he who noticed how I’d listed him and made public comment, going so far as to say I am “hot” (because, naturally, my profile photo is more flattering than IRL). Consequently, I’ve been evermore twit-addicted, hoping that he might @ reply my @ reply (he did not), and imagining an art house-esque romance that is as unrealistic as my profile pic — and the likelihood of anyone giving two sheets about my tweets.
@safran_john: “@anuheayagi I see I’ve been downgraded from potential husband to potential boyfriend. You are so hot and cold.”
However embarrassed by insanity though I may be, I’m happy for my wee-hour epiphany — deciding that with my New Year’s resolution to be more responsible, I need to show more online discretion — I can only now hope my revelations did not come so late that my losses can’t be mitigated.
Speaking of mitigating losses: Apparently, Mercury is in retrograde and there’s nothing we can do about it. I do not really know what “Mercury in retrograde” means, but MauiTime contributor @spectekula tweets about it; and by way of a series of unfortunate events I’ve come to understand it means that the world around you falls to pieces and can thus be blamed for any and all of life’s bullshit.
Another friend of mine, @bpmboutique, enlightened me to the idea that this astrological thingamabob has particular effect on cars and technology, and my week has gone accordingly (again, two flat tires and twice locking myself out of my car—in the rain). So like blaming @safran_john for my recent diarrhea of the iPhone, I’d been blaming Mercury for not stopping to check tire pressure or ensure my keys are in hand before I lock the door.
Because it’s easy to blame what’s big, unknowable, unreachable and unlikely: #andNewYearsresolutionsdonttakeeffectuntilthe1st
How did you spend your 72 minutes of darkness during the solstice lunar eclipse? Other than feel poorly about myself, I photographed recently manifested wheatpaste art on the North Shore. CLICK HERE to see more. And if you’re so inclined, CLICK HERE to read a great article by Dr. Tony Phillips (via science.nasa.gov), with an interesting sidebar by Geoff Chester of the US Naval Observatory, about the specifics — and rarity — of this celestial event.