Is life like football or is football like life? Let’s see: one involves unnecessary roughness, revolves around money and encourages gambling and excessive drinking—and the other is played on Sunday. Another similarity between life and America’s real pastime (sorry baseball, ratings don’t lie): each is conveniently divided into four quarters.
So let’s flip the coin and kick off a recap of the brutal, bone-crushing, down-to-the-wire game that was 2010…
FIRST QUARTER
As the year races out of the tunnel, an injured player limps back onto the field: Hali‘imaile Pineapple Company, the new and (allegedly) improved version of Maui Land & Pineapple’s defunct agricultural arm. CEO Darren Strand—formerly of ML&P—promises the company will save jobs and offer “new hope” for the future of the iconic fruit… As the Furlough Friday mess slogs on, incoming Superintendent Kathryn Matayoshi says Hawaii’s public school system will “stay the course”—the same course that’s gotten us bottom-of-the-heap test scores and the fewest instructional days in the nation… Rep. Neil Abercrombie announces he’s quitting Congress to spend more time with his gubernatorial campaign, and state Senate President Colleen Hanabusa and former Congressman Ed Case reach quickly for their hats… The annual Kapalua Golf Tournament kicks off, minus one high-profile participant. Word is he’s having marital problems involving a nine iron and a smashed windshield… Karl Rove is invited to speak at the Hawaii GOP’s annual Lincoln Day fundraiser, perhaps in the hope that a little of his magic Swift Boat dust will rub off on Duke Aiona… To the consternation of Mayor and gubernatorial hopeful Mufi Hannemann, Gov. Linda Lingle continues to drag her feet on the Honolulu rail, citing a desire to thoroughly study the Environmental Impact Statement. Because as we all know, if there’s one thing Gov. Lingle won’t tolerate it’s massive transportation projects moving forward without a completed EIS… Speaking of Gov. Lingle, she delivers her final State of the State address, and earns mostly high marks from even her harshest critics (including us). Though, as Maui Sen. Kalani English puts it, “the rhetoric was nice, but substance and meat need to follow.”… On the subject of speeches, President Obama delivers his first State of the Union, a predictable mix of rousing applause lines and depressing doublespeak, plus one “oh-no-you-dihn’t” moment when he calls out the Supreme Court for lifting restrictions on corporate campaign contributions, drawing a head wag from a squirming Chief Justice Roberts… The state House quashes a Senate-approved version of same-sex civil union bill HB444, a year after the Senate quashed a House-approved version. The only person who hasn’t killed the thing is Gov. Lingle… And the speeches roll on: Mayor Charmaine Tavares delivers her final State of the County address, and (strangely foreshadowing this very story) sprinkles it with tortured football analogies, even managing to sneak in an endorsement of the onside-kick. Seriously… Gov. Lingle jets over to Maui to speak at a Chamber of Commerce luncheon (and to ignore a group of Furlough Friday protesters) and finds time to ramp up her war of words with the teachers’ union. After HSTA President Wil Okabe accuses Lingle of “clinging stubbornly to her mantra,” Lingle fires back, Kanye-style: “Union leaders care more about money than educating Hawaii’s children.”… More fallout from the Great Recession: Maui County sues Merrill Lynch over a failed $32 million investment, making, essentially, the same claim as millions of Americans: they were duped… An 8.8 quake in Chile sets off a tsunami warning in Hawaii. Sirens blare, evacuations are ordered and then…nothing, other than a collective sigh of relief… Honolulu Councilmember Charles Djou says he’s running for Neil Abercrombie’s old seat as a Republican. Normally that wouldn’t even be news, but with two stubborn, vote-splitting Dems in the winner-take-all race, the national GOP starts licking its chops… Hawaii residents run in fear of the Census, apparently under the (almost cute) assumption that this is the only way the government can gather information about them… The latest effort by Maui Dance Advocates to get the LC to define its First Amendment-skirting dancing rules stumbles, as a bill introduced by Rep. Joe Bertram dies in committee. At least we get to keep making Footloose jokes… The short-staffed state Department of Health continues to field dozens of requests for Obama’s birth certificate each month, and spokesperson Janice Okubo tells us the majority of the inquiries are coming “from about four or five people.”… A Reader’s Digest survey claiming that Hawaii has the 49th-worst roads in the country reveals, shockingly, that Reader’s Digest still exists…
Score: Political Speeches: 3, Tsunamis: 0
SECOND QUARTER
Congress passes a health care bill that won’t actually get everyone health care, and won’t really take effect for a few years, and doesn’t feature a public option, and is largely supported by the insurance companies. Yay?… Apple releases the iPad, and a Maui visitor pub is among the first to submit an approved app. Cool factoid, though somehow we think the device was going to sell OK anyway… Save Our Schools Hawaii joins the Lingle Furlough Friday-bashing, accusing the Governor of “blatant, reckless behavior” and “schoolyard bully tactics.” Lingle responds by calling SOS “misinformed” and encouraging the group to aim its ire at the teachers’ union… Walgreens cuts the ribbon on its new Kahului store amid protests from local carpenters who claim they were shut out in favor of cheaper, imported labor. A store spokesperson says the protesters “have that right.” Just like the ones in Michigan, and West Virginia, and California, and New Jersey, and… Beleaguered Councilmember Sol Kaho‘ohalahala—still facing a drawn-out residency challenge—announces he’s running for Mayor, joining a rapidly growing field that already includes former Mayor Alan Arakawa… Proving that hypocrisy and politics are still like papaya and lime, Charles Djou decries Mainland intrusion into Hawaii’s Congressional race even as he accepts hundreds of thousands of dollars from Mainland PACs and appears on multiple FOX News shows—including an embarrassing softball-fest with Sean Hannity. Meanwhile, it becomes increasingly clear that Djou is going to win… As the BP oil spill worsens, former FEMA head Michael “Heckuva Job” Brownie weighs in, telling (once again) FOX News that it’s all part of Obama’s anti-Big Oil agenda. Sadly, plans to use Brownie to plug the leak prove unsuccessful… Unemployment claims decline on Maui and tourist arrivals inch upward, signs that the worst of the economic freefall may be over. Optimism is muted by the fact that a lot of people still don’t have money and/or jobs… Yes, indeed, Djou wins the special election, with Hanabusa finishing second and Case third, though their combined votes would have been more than enough. Amid the obligatory fist-pumping, Djou tells his supporters one very prescient thing: “If anything, what the people of Hawaii have given us is a short-term lease with an option to buy.”… Professional baseball returns to Maui, as Na Koa Ikaika of the independent Golden Baseball League starts playing home games at Wailuku’s Maehara Stadium… The Honolulu Advertiser and Honolulu Star-Bulletin officially become the Honolulu Star Advertiser. Print journalism, already curled in the fetal position and missing one shoe, whimpers softly… A political stench continues to rise from the County’s sewage injection wells, as concerns about reef damage, water quality and public safety bubble over. And the Tavares Administration keeps holding its nose and looking the other way… The state Water Commission makes its ruling in the Na Wai Eha contested case, ordering Hawaiian Commercial & Sugar to return a fraction of the streamflow environmental and Native Hawaiian advocates had hoped for. Commissioner Lawrence Miike issues a scathing dissent, accusing the commission of “failing in its duties…as trustee of the state’s public water resource.”… Maui County moves to ban the use of cell phones while driving. We point out that there’s already a law on the books that prohibits all manner of distracted driving and that the new law is more political grandstanding than sound policy. Shockingly, it passes anyway…
Score: Charles Djou & FOX News: 1; Colleen Hanabusa & Ed Case: 0
THIRD QUARTER
With the death of West Virginia Sen. Robert Byrd, Hawaii Sen. Dan Inouye becomes the longest-serving member of the Senate and is given the title of President Pro-Tempore, meaning he’s three heartbeats away from the Presidency… Mauian W.S. Merwin is named U.S. Poet Laureate, a fact that would surely swell the hearts of thousands of Mauians—if they knew what the U.S. Poet Laureate was… Lihue Airport on Kauai starts using “advanced imaging” machines that can see through people’s clothing. There’s a mild outcry, but TSA assures us everything’s fine… Gov. Lingle ends months of speculation by vetoing civil union bill HB444, which the legislature miraculously revived and passed. So now everyone’s had their turn playing coward… We release our annual Best of Maui issue in eye-popping 3D and start a new islandwide fashion trend: dorky cardboard glasses… The candidate filing deadline passes and the mud-slinging begins in earnest, with former Mayor Arakawa criticizing Mayor Tavares on his radio show, saying her costly ninth-floor office renovations—supposedly done to beef up security—were unnecessary, adding, “If someone wanted to shoot the Mayor…the parking lot’s wide open.”… Gov. Lingle nominates Judge Katherine Leonard as Hawaii’s next Chief Justice—the first female to be considered for the post—and the state Bar Association promptly dubs Leonard “unqualified.” Lingle cries sexism, but the legislature agrees and Leonard is ultimately rejected… In a move that disappoints many but surprises few, the Maui County Council ditches a plan to change the way the Maui County Council is elected. Sure it’s a flawed system—but it worked for them!… Mufi Hannemann releases a controversial campaign mailer asking voters to “compare and decide” between him and Neil Abercrombie. Among the points of comparison: the fact that Abercrombie was born in New York and Hannemann on Oahu, and the fact that Hannemann’s wife has a Japanese name and Abercrombie’s wife has a haole one. Out of the election but not the headlines, Ed Case blasts Hannemann for perpetuating the “closed view that only local counts.”… Lingle tries again, nominating Judge Mark Recktenwald to head up the high court, and the second time proves to be a charm. Whether Recktenwald’s qualifications or Y chromosome tipped the scales remains unknown… State Republican Party Chair and sore-fisted Bible-thumper Jonah Ka‘auwai sends an e-mail to church groups declaring that Duke Aiona will be Hawaii’s next Governor because he’s backed by “the POWER and the AUTHORITY of the NAME OF JESUS!”—and Aiona practices the fine art of backpedaling like hell… President Obama trumpets the end of combat operations in Iraq, even as tens of thousands of U.S. soldiers remain there indefinitely. In other news: the recession is over, but double-digit unemployment persists… Hawaii and Maui hold primary elections with few major surprises—including, unfortunately, low voter turnout… Just days after the election, one of the winners—West Maui Council candidate Elle Cochran—faces revelations that she was arrested and pleaded guilty in the early ’90s in connection with an armed robbery. Cochran calls the incident a “dark chapter” in her life, and tells us it’s a “relief” the secret’s out… Seven years after its founding, a little baby-carrier company in Pukalani called ERGO sells for $91 million… A UH telescope on Haleakala discovers an asteroid that could be on a collision course with Earth—in 2098…
Score: Civil rights: 0; Cowardice: 444
FOURTH QUARTER
Ground is broken on phase two of the Lahaina Bypass, putting it on target for completion in the next decade—hopefully. Add years of planning and delays, and the nine-mile stretch of road between Launiupoko and Honokowai will have taken longer to create than the Panama Canal… The Alakai and Huakai—the vessels formerly known as the Superferry—are purchased at a Virginia auction by the U.S. Maritime Administration for $25 million apiece. That would be the same MARAD that was owed close to $140 million by Hawaii Superferry Inc., which was controlled by J.F. Lehman & Co., which was founded by former Secretary of the Navy John F. Lehman. So: the government bought a pair of boats it basically already owned, using a loan given to a company backed by a former high-ranking government official. Sounds about right… Once again, the County decides not to close Front Street for Halloween in Lahaina—an event that once generated $3 million for West side businesses—and the party, not coincidentally, fizzles like a melted candle in a wet pumpkin… Honolulu holds its own Rally to Restore Sanity in conjunction with Jon Stewart’s Washington event. Sanity, tragically, is not restored… At long last the general election arrives. Voters in the 1st Congressional District opt not to buy, and Colleen Hanabusa ends Djou’s short stint in D.C. Maui chooses a new/old Mayor in Alan Arakawa and makes mostly safe, predictable picks for the Council (though Cochran’s arrest doesn’t hurt her and she cruises to victory). At the state level Neil Abercrombie and Brian Schatz defeat Duke Aiona and Lynn Finnegan (and Jesus) to become the oldest Governor and youngest Lieutenant Governor in state history. Meanwhile Republicans—who win big nationwide thanks to Tea Party angst—see their power at the state level shrink to almost zero (quite literally in the Senate, where the GOP retains only one member, Sen. Sam Slom). In the wake of the drubbing, Republican activist Eric Ryan calls on all state party heads to resign immediately, telling them they should be “ashamed of themselves.”… Kauai surfing legend Andy Irons dies, sending a ripple of sadness through the state and inspiring a moving memorial on the Garden Isle… TSA’s naked screening machines and intrusive pat-downs spark widespread outrage, as “don’t touch my junk” becomes a national catchphrase. TSA’s response? Don’t worry, everything’s fine… And so we stumble, blood-spattered and mud-crusted, to the goal line, the ball still miraculously clutched under our arm. We’ve got some new and old politicians, some new and old problems and maybe, just maybe, a glimmer of hope that the next game will be a blowout—in our favor. It’s a lot to ask for, sure, and the opposition is formidable, but you know what they say about any given Sunday…
Score: Cautious Optimism:10; Junk-Touching: -10
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