Here’s a tip for all you little lovebirds this Valentine’s Day: If you stay with your partner long enough, they will eventually get bored with your sexscapades. Yes, even your “Reverse Pile-Driver” or whatever it is that you like to call your signature move.
This is a fact, and it usually means one of two things—you’re gonna have to step up your game through technology (and I’m not talking picture-messaging shots of your extremely large member… although that does serve its purposes) or embrace technology while you embrace yourself ‘cause you got severely dumped.
Luckily, there are intelligent-pervy computer geeks out there who are looking out for you and your snoogle-bums. The world is filled with high tech gizmos, gadgets and computer programs that are dedicated to bringing sex—whether it’s solo, as a couple, group, herd, flock or whatever to a whole new level.
The term is “teledildonics” and it’s something that everyone with a pulse (and consequent sexual response to stimuli) should know about. In layman’s terms it means messing around with sex toys that are controlled through a computer.
Take HighJoy, for example. Through their website you can get a membership for under $10 a month (toys not included). What you do is plug your little toy into the computer through the USB cable (in case you’re wondering, they have male- and female-specific gadgets) and then hook up with someone online.
The awesome and interactive part about it is that you’re not just flicking the bean while text-ing someone. They are actually controlling your toy’s speed/vibration/movement through their computer.
You can sign up for a “community” membership (i.e. the dirty whore package) or the “couples” package. With the couples membership no one besides the one person that you signed up with can contact you or control your toy. The community membership is pretty much a free-for-all.
This gives you a lot of options as a couple. Threesome? Why not? It’s not like I’m gonna have to bury someone in the backyard when we’re done or avoid eye-contact in the supermarket. Hell, we could’ve just had a tryst with a 600-pound tranny named Lulu for all I know, and I don’t give a rats-ass one way or another.
No pictures (if you opt out), no voice, no risk of disease or “bee-yotch gonna steal my man/woman” drama, no nothing. It’s like swinging for people who actually want to stay together.
Sites like this could really add a lot of excitement and faux-danger to a limp (sorry, couldn’t help it) relationship without actually posing too much of a real, physical threat. Just make sure to set ground rules and stick to them.
Now let’s switch gears and talk about just the men. Say you screw up this Valentine’s Day. Say she wants a Coach Bag but you’re a B.A.M.F. (Broke Ass Muh Fuggah). So, you go to the Swap Meet and get her a knockoff, but instead of a Coach Bag it’s a Cooch Bag. She gets pissed, kicks you to the curb and here you are hurt and confused with nowhere to hide the salami on V-day.
Don’t despair. Teledildonics is here for you. Turn on your computer and buy yourself a virtual girlfriend. They’re as cheap as $12 and get naked as long as you tap the space bar the way they like it.
If you’re really adventurous, with enough research you can find these video games where you plug a “sleeve” into the computer and then mount all sorts of virtual hotties while the computer relays info to your, er, sleeve. Fun, huh?
And you never have to worry about buying them presents, brushing your teeth, getting a real job or anything! You can just sit there, all day, with your tighty-whitey’s around your ankles, singing the Hallelujah chorus until your heart explodes or you run out of batteries, whichever comes first.
The future is bright, and buzzing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and, uh, do stuff. Did anyone see my USB cable?
For guidance on Valentine’s Day, visit www.highjoy.com, www.somasex.com and www.coach.com. MTW