Aries (March 21-April 19)
Hey, Squirt. You poor thing; you’re likely to have people talking down to you all week. If you’re not fully cognizant of what’s going on, you’re in serious danger of acting like the baby you’re being addressed as. However, the best way to show up all those condescending losers you’re forced to deal with isn’t calling them on it; you’re too likely in that case to sound like a petulant child. Your ideal recourse is ignoring them instead, and dispatching your duties with your typically amazing aplomb. Eventually, left to their own devices, those patronizing pricks will realize what assholes they were, and apologize to you on their own. Resist rubbing it in their faces too hard, and keep your response to a simple, “I know, dear. I know.”
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Kick the ass of anyone who tries to make their case with you using lawyerese, corporate jargon, or soft-peddled euphemisms. Order them to tell it like it is, or suffer the consequences. If “softening enemy targets” means “killing children by accident,” you want to know. There are nasty villains invading your life who’d like to put neutral-sounding words between you and their rather malevolent actions. Consider yourself warned; If you’re not diligent about forcing everyone to use painfully clear language, you could be agreeing to something you definitely want no part of.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Just because someone you know and respect is willing to publicly advocate your viewpoint—thereby giving it legitimacy it otherwise lacked—doesn’t make it automatically correct. While standing by your convictions is an admirable quality, when those beliefs are misplaced it just makes you look pathetic and ignorant. As that may well be the case this week, at the very least double-check the facts upon which your certainty is based. Don’t disappoint all those who are counting on your notorious fair-mindedness. Changing your mind every other day displays vacuous vacillation. Revising your opinion based on a convincing and compelling argument demonstrates virtuous versatility.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Change is in the air. Although the sharp right turn you’ve just taken will inevitably involve some compromises, the positives will far outweigh the negatives, if only you’d notice. Unfortunately, one small drawback is likely to eclipse all the benefits this week. Be sure to look past your momentarily inflamed emotions. If you do, the swelling will soon go down, and the overwhelmingly positive nature of your recent decisions will be so obvious you’ll wish you’d never paid the slightest bit of attention to the tiny fleck of shit that initially flew in your eye when it all hit the fan.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’ve done a good job of singing in the rain so far; that is, keeping your spirits high and your radiance turned up, despite less than ideal circumstances. I’m glad you remembered that what actually happens to you is only half of your experience; how you react to it is the half you can control. Unfortunately, there’s no gap in the clouds for at least another week; fortunately, you’re likely to stay fully-charged and shining despite all that. Isn’t that better, in a way? Laughter through tears is always richer than just a plain old chuckle by itself.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
That woozy butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach is there for a reason. You’re next in line for the biggest, baddest ride in the amusement park. It’s taken you months to even brave the queue, which stretches for blocks, and you’ve chickened out two or three times before. Only this time you’re determined to go through with it, and there’s absolutely no one between you and the next available car, and a long line of leering partiers to face should you wimp out again. Just don’t let your anxiety get the best of you. In mere moments you’ll be strapped in and on your way, with nothing left to do but throw your hands up and scream in giddy, terrified delight.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Ladies and Gentlemen, Elvis has left the building. In fact, bid good riddance to every last vestige of bloated glamour still lingering in the corners of your life. You don’t need or value that stuff anymore. From now on, it’s sleek, elegant, healthy flash with substance, not the empty, self-destructive glimmer and glitz you were settling for before. These days you’ve got class, brains, and quality to back your beauty and reason behind your rhyme. You’re operating on a grander scale. Forget Atlantic City cheese; You’re Vegas now, baby. Vegas!
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Keep your ear to the ground. If you pay attention, you’ll notice some subtle hints regarding an idea that’s percolated in the back of your mind for so long that you’d nearly forgotten about it, suggesting that it’s primed for exploration and manifestation. Listen for the slow rumble of distant hooves; the much-needed cavalry you requested months ago is finally on its way. Your long patience is about to be rewarded. The “battle” you feared to begin way back when, because it would be too costly and arduous, will now flow so smoothly in your favor that to call it a struggle at all would be patently incorrect.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
My crystal ball reveals three prominent figures in your week; a circus barker, a court jester, and a cheap prostitute. The carnival caller might speak in great detail about how to live your life, but he’s the one you should least listen to on this subject. The joker might proffer a lesson on how to be funny and popular but heeding his advice would lead to more tragedy than comedy. The whore’s dying to tell you about the ins and outs of love and lust, but please, close your ears. Astonishingly, the barker has the most to teach you about romance and innocence, the hooker holds the key to hilarity, and the fool possesses the best wisdom on how to live your life happily. In most cases this week, on any subject, heed whoever gives you the least advice, most quietly.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your body knows better than your brain when you need a break. Getting sick can be a signal from your subconscious mind to your sometimes less-than-astute consciousness that you need to slow down, finally. Listen to that, before it gets so bad that you have no other choice. You’re smart enough to not let things get that extreme, aren’t you? Take the time this week to loaf around on your couch eating chicken soup and taking lots of naps, so that when the wildness of next week rolls around, you’ll be more than ready for it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Eliminate envy from your emotional vocabulary this week. If you’ve been paying attention, you’ve probably noticed that, duh, nothing lasts forever. Even people really on top of their games fail, eventually. If you’re lost, you’ll find your way again, as long as you have faith and perseverance. So you’re surrounded by people who are solidly on their paths. Good for them! Trying to knock them off course with your jealousy won’t help you discover your own route to victory. Trust that everyone’s pulling for you, regardless of their place in life, and root for them too. It’s a win-win, if you let it be.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Last year, your friends voted you Most Likely to Turn Down a Good Thing. Luckily, you’ve finally managed to put your most suspicious and self-limiting tendencies behind you and allow yourself a greater measure of happiness. Good! You deserve it. Please, when this week presents you with a package that just seems too good to be true, quell those old doubts urging you to refuse it. Yes, it might look better than it actually is, but so what? Your minor disappointment with its few flaws will hardly compare with your excitement when you discover that it’s mostly real. Accept the bounty coming your way. It’s not too good to be true; it’s just good enough.
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