Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Okay, so only a few of the kindnesses you’ve been offered lately were free and clear of strings. So what? Sometimes accepting a favor incurs an obligation. Don’t sorely resent the conditions applied to the beneficence bequeathed upon you. It’s still generous and kind, even if ulterior motives lurk behind it. Hardly anything’s unconditional. You know what’s wrong with you? You’ve been spoiled by all the sweet munificence you were the recipient of last year, all unsullied by anything so tedious or rude as an expectation. Now it’s back to the way things are a lot of the time, and it’s not so bad: You give a little, you get a little.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Endings make most people sad. It’s natural to mourn the loss of something beloved. But I’m worried about you Caps, who occasionally despise change so deeply that you rigidly resist rolling with it. Don’t get pinned under the steamrolling tide of progress (even if it is, as you often claim, backwards progress). Instead, fervently espouse the philosophy that’s your only sliver of hope: each ending engenders a new beginning; one door closes, another opens; and the clichés go on and on in this vein. Tell you what: I’ll stop spouting them once you start taking them to heart.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
A cramped quickie in an airplane bathroom isn’t exactly your style. Admission to the Mile High Club isn’t that important to you. Fine, I don’t blame you. But you can take that attitude to extremes. I’m sure that someone, somewhere, did meet the love of their life after responding to a come-hither look from a beguiling flight attendant. Sticking to some idealized version of how things are supposed to play out will ultimately leave you lonely and old, still waiting for circumstances to be “just so.” Throw that shit out, already. Make your own romance, and yes, it will almost certainly involve doing things that aren’t “by the book”—they’re probably not even in the book.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The world’s making sense again, finally. All the elements of your universe are running, more or less, in the same direction. Enjoy it, but don’t get used to it. You’re doomed, at least for the moment, to just barely figure things out before they get jumbled up again. You’re in an hourglass that gets flipped just when you’ve figured things out. The good news: Each time things turn over, it’s a little easier to suss out your new terrain, so you have more productive time than you did the chapter before. The better news: You only have three more flips until you’ll be able to smash free from the hourglass completely.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Sometimes no one else cares that you’re the center of the universe. They revolve around you on their individual trajectories, interacting with each other and completely ignoring the massive blazing sun they’re all orbiting. This is natural; no matter how fabulous you are, people can’t pay attention to you continuously, or they’ll start wishing you’d implode, just to do something different. So when you pull off another amazing stunt this week, don’t waste your breath yelling: “Look at me, everybody! Look at…um, look over here…Everybody?” Just revel by yourself. When your fans are ready to adore you again, they’ll come flocking all on their own.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Beware brown-nosers. You usually do; you’re not nearly as susceptible to profligate ass-kissing as some other signs. Although you may be unable to avoid those obsequious apple-polishers this week, you can keep from giving them any energy. They’re just another form of vampire, after all, seeking to leech off your awesomeness. Don’t get annoyed—that’s as pointless as being flattered by their insincere ingratiation. Unfortunately, you can’t ignore them completely, as much as you might like to. Take the T’ai Chi approach: the path of least resistance. A noncommittal yes to their ridiculous requests will do far more to peel their lips off your buttcheeks than a flat-out no or a straight-up lie.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Your list of favorites is taller than you are. You have no problem deciding between a myriad of ice cream flavors or dozens of sexy celebrities. But the compendium of what you dislike is a jumbled mess. Which tastes worse, really, calf brains or fried grasshoppers? Unfortunately, your choices this week may be riddled with unsavory options. Since abstention isn’t possible, you may have to decide between awful alternatives, determining not what you love best, but what you hate least. The silver lining of this crappy scenario—there’s the chance that one of the many sucky selections you’ll make this week could turn out to be a pleasant surprise: something you actually like.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Moral code is important; for Cancers it’s integral to your very personality. However, this week is all about differentiating between principle and practice. You’re already too prone to get yourself into a huff over nitpicky details of experience, loudly proclaiming when anyone questions you: “It’s the principle of the thing!” Can’t you see you’re making yourself crazy? Not every battle must be fought. It doesn’t matter that you’re in the right every time if you’re also in an institution for the mentally unstable. Pick your fights carefully this week, and in the weeks to come, based on your own experience. Make it personal. If it doesn’t actually affect you (only your beliefs about how things “should be”), leave it alone.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re perfectly comfortable where you are. No matter how enticing the invitations you’ve received, they’re probably not enough to make you drag your ass out of the metaphorical armchair you’ve settled into. That’s why I’m here. Comfort is nice, and laziness is part of the human character. But that’s not necessarily a good thing. I’m all for enjoying life, but we’ve taken this to extremes, here in the West, where people are generally fatter and more appeased (I won’t say satisfied) than ever before. Think of the deeper satisfaction that comes from fulfilling your dreams, even if the work to get there is grueling and hard. Then turn off the TV, get up out of the chair, and go for it.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
All your minor aches and pains (or maybe one big hurt) have been eclipsing your potential enjoyment of life lately, but I’m happy to say that certain astrological influences are kicking in like a prescription painkiller this week, to at least give you the freedom to move without any twinges from emotional arthritis. So rise up out of that wheelchair, throw away those crutches, and make your ancient soul boogie like you’re sixteen again. If you do it with enough enthusiasm and commitment, you probably won’t need crutches of any kind once the astrological anesthetic wears off.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Prettiness may be a short-term advantage, but it’s often a long-term disadvantage. It sometimes precludes people from developing other skills necessary to survive. By the time their good looks fade, they’ve got nothing else going on. They’re losers. I’m not saying you’re one of them—you’re far too practical to get hung up on your own cuteness. But in your avid appreciation for beauty, you may be enabling someone to ride entirely on their looks, to their own eventual detriment. Don’t let that happen. Tell your gorgeous girlfriend that you’re going to have to ignore her, at least until she learns to read.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Lurking is a forte of yours. It may not be a skill you loudly tout or list on your resume, but it’s certainly more useful than knowing how to use Excel. Recognizing the right moment to pounce and when to bide your time is an amazing talent. Exercise that slightly sinister patience this week, instead of succum bing to the outside influences urging you to act now. You know, without the shadow of a doubt, that if you’re patient you’ll eventually get exactly what you want, whereas striking now only gives you a 50/50 chance. Why push it?
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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)