Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
More than any other, your species has been painstakingly dissected and analyzed. I’m sure you poor Scorpios are sick of being studied so closely; these microscopic inquiries into your character are as annoying as they are invasive. You’ve done admirably well at preventing yourself from stinging those who seek to scrutinize the inscrutable, but enough is enough. It won’t help your reputation, but it will do wonders for your peace of mind: Make an example of the next three people who try to “figure you out.” I predict they’ll be the last trio of uninvited explorers into the uncharted territory of your sacrosanct soul for a long, long time.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
A few years back, Don Eastep entered a Texas chili cook-off contest—with no chili. Instead of preparing his own, he snuck spoonfuls from the 80 other contestants’ pots, and submitted the resulting mélange as his own unique recipe. He won. Although it pissed a lot of people off in that case, it’s still a tactic I recommend for you right now. Borrow essential and coveted qualities from all your nearest and dearest, so you can meet the great demands of this week. Armed with your compadres’ best facets, you’ll be more than a match for whatever challenges you encounter; you’ll win the prize, too.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’ve got too many keys on your ring. You’ve locked and unlocked so many hearts that at this point you’re practically a janitor of the soul. Although it fills you with a certain satisfaction to walk around jangling that giant loop of glittering keys, fondly recalling all the times you’ve used them, and what you used them for, please notice that your behavior is preventing any new keys from being added to the collection. It’s time to throw a few away, that you no longer need or no longer dare use, to make room for a tantalizing handful more. If I haven’t been obvious enough: stop clinging to the past so you can finally unlock the future.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I spent the week taking care of nagging little things I hadn’t done. These were all easy tasks that had a disproportionate effect on my daily quality of life. In other words, I should have assigned them a much higher priority, given how simple they were and how much better they made things. I was so relieved and surprised about the amazing effort-to-effect-ratio that I thought I’d share it with the sign most in need of that tiny kick in the ass… according to my astrological calculations, that’s you, Aquarius. Get out the list, and replace the light bulbs, oil the hinges, and sew the missing buttons you’ve been neglecting. You’ll be glad you did.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’re cushiony. I’m not so much referring to your figure as your vibe. Many people have been using you, lately (mostly with your consent or even encouragement), as a buffer between themselves and the world’s sharp or hard places. You’re good like that, and you’re certainly strong enough to shield some of your less resilient friends from those harsh realities, at least some of the time. But don’t let them use up all of your bounce, or the next time you take a mild fall (looks like January sometime), it’ll hurt way more than it should.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Margaret Lee Runbeck wrote: “Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.” Consider her well-chosen words often this week and during the next few months, until they’ve completely eclipsed and replaced your current bitter-making mantra: “I’ll be happy when…” Shit goes down, manna falls from heaven, but unless you can navigate it all with more or less the same disposition you’re screwed and strapped into an entirely unpleasant roller coaster I suspect you wanted off of ten years ago. Cut free of the bullshit that’s holding you in and get off the damn coaster. Life’s exciting enough without it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Appreciate what you’ve got. Quit whining and griping about what’s missing from your big picture, and show all those surprisingly generous people who’ve been devoting their time and energy to trying to make you happy, supported and well taken care of, that you’ve actually noticed their munificence. They’re due a little thankfulness, not crankiness. If you don’t spill a little gratitude you may end up having the tables turned, and be on your knees instead of the pedestal you’ve enjoyed of late. In other words, if you bite the hand that feeds you this week, chances are you’ll end up licking the boot that kicks you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I was watching a comedic skit on an old Mr. Show in which everyone’s inner voices were characterized by an old lady, a biker, a Japanese businessman, and a gay guy. This made me think of you, and how much you need to reject the paradigm of twinhood, especially if you think of yourself as split between your best and worst impulses. The truth is, of course, infinitely more complex, and to know yourself that completely would take all the fun out of it. Still, it’s time for you to adopt a new model, in which your various (often contradictory) urges could have voices you listen to (or ignore) without being forced to fit into boxes like Good or Bad.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Don’t talk shit. The temptation is powerful, given that you’ve just discovered how often you’ll receive the benefit of the doubt, because of all the time you’ve put in being reliable and trustworthy. Considering the great prizes to be won through your bluffing and trash talk, I can see how it’d be hard to resist. Please, Cancer, for your own karmic sake, defy those temptations and maintain instead your sterling rep. Hopefully, you simply won’t be as enticed by that bad behavior when I tell you this: Once you’re caught in a lie (something that almost inevitably will happen), most of the offers will be retracted, and repayment of every single dollar will be required. Is that in any way worth the loss of your dignity and integrity?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Despite their reputation for often being actors, most Leos actually have a really hard time pretending to be anything they’re not. You’re so busy being yourselves (amazingly, I might add) that it’s difficult for you to disguise or suppress that—and what’s the point? Well, there is a point to it this week, believe it or not. By this time in your life you’ve realized that as magnificent as you are, you’re hardly perfect. In order to invite a teaspoon more perfection into your life, you need to make your bowl of ingredients look a little less full than it already is. In other words, be humble, modest, and quiet this week. Be a wallflower for once, sweetheart. Just watch what happens. Shh. Just watch.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I’ve never seen you this close to snapping. I’m sorry, Virgo. I think everyone assumes that since you’re always so pragmatic and together, that you’re somehow more immune to those breakdown-inducing stresses we all suffer from occasionally. We virtually expect Cancers to explode into nervous histrionics, but when a Virgo coughs up more than a few tears we’re too surprised to react appropriately. Instead of leaping to your aid, we sputter and gasp in amazement, doing you no good at all. So please forgive us, and when your rescuers swoop in, belatedly, this week, graciously accept their support and succor—it’s better late than never.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This is a week of white lies. You’ll find yourself pressured to tell them, often, in order to shield those you love from truths they’re better off not knowing, or at least not knowing from you. Hey, I’m not here to judge you; the vast majority of the time you really do have others’ best interests at heart. I’m just worried about that other slim minority of time, when the untruths you speak are actually calculated to protect you, not anyone else. Call yourself on these gray fibs, because when you get caught in them (as you almost surely will) you won’t receive forgiveness (so easily attainable for those other well-meaning falsehoods) so much as payback.
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