Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
On the African plain, lions and lionesses play dramatically dissimilar roles. The formidable lions, with their impressive manes and roars, make such a show that no one ever messes with them; they rarely have to demonstrate just how redoubtable they are. Lionesses, on the other hand, prove their mettle daily, hunting, without making such a stink about it. Still, there’s something to be said for each style—you’d do well to switch it up. Lionesses: strut more and consequently wrangle less—bare your fangs more so you can use them less. Lions: stop telling everyone how badass you are and just show them, once in a while.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
The keystone is the wedge-shaped piece of rock at an archway’s apex. It’s placed last and locks all the other stones into position, creating an elegant and stable design, capable of bearing great weight. You’ve been carefully stacking stones for a new emotional support structure. So far your construction has been propped up with the equivalent of wooden scaffolding while you searched for the perfect piece to hold it all together. Don’t become impatient and force the wrong piece into place (not when the right one is this close!), because it’ll just crack under the pressure, or fall out. Be patient, please, or your hard work will crumble to rubble.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Talking about, unfortunately, often substitutes for actually doing. It’s much easier to discuss writing a novel, effecting political changes, or planting a field than actually doing it—and the more you talk about it, the more you rob energy and inertia from trying to get it done. I’m concerned because I’d rather see you accomplish your admirable goals than continue to blab about them. You usually ascribe to the philosophy that actions speak louder than words, which is why it’s surprising to see you babbling so much, instead of getting things done. In other words: this week, shut up and work.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You may lack the ability to make the things you despise disappear. But you have surprisingly profound powers of transmutation of late. Make your life’s villains less objectionable. For instance, in my slightly more ideal world, I’d transform a serial killer on the loose into The SUV-Slasher. Instead of destroying people’s lives, he’d shred the tires of those greedy, city-dwelling assholes who insist on driving the things. Yes, you may fall a little short of rearranging reality to this extent, but then again—why not try? I predict you’ll be happy with the results, either way.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Tag-team wrestling sucks when your partner is already out for the count, while your pair of opponents are still in tiptop shape and raring to go. Don’t be bitter. The past couple weeks you were blessed with generous amounts of backup support and inspiration. This is the universe’s way of making sure you can still kick ass on your own. Don’t worry; you can—without even resorting to playing dirty. Your many partnerships have taught you some surprising and effective moves. Use them, and don’t dwell on your apparent abandonment. Once both your adversaries are pinned to the mat, your friends will confess their preparations to jump to your defense, and their pride that you never really needed them to.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Capricorns aren’t packrats; you’re stockpilers. You absolutely love being prepared. If you have a fireplace or wood-burning stove, you’ll gleefully stack cords and cords of firewood to burn all winter. You also love having money in the bank, plenty of food in the pantry and freezer, and even a few admirers tucked away on hold, in case of an emergency. That’s why it’s confusing that you should choose to suffer instead of dipping into those reserves. Reward yourself for your diligence and foresight. Use them when you have to, like this week.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
“Physician, heal thyself,” isn’t exactly a fair concept. For instance, you can be an accomplished helper of others—thanks to the benefit of perspective—but miserably inept when it comes to helping yourself. Such is the case this week. It’s not incompetence, simply the virtual impossibility of seeing things from an outside perspective. Don’t compound your suffering by dwelling on your cluelessness. Have the humility to ask someone, anyone for help. A baby, sitting in the right place, could point your way out of this mess. One last note—don’t kick yourself for not seeing the obvious until someone in diapers pointed it out to you. It wasn’t obvious—and won’t be—until exactly that moment.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Astrophysicists get excited about events that happen over billions of years, because the more we learn about them, the closer we come to understanding the basic structure of reality itself. But why should we care about the collision course of two incredibly colossal black holes an incomprehensibly vast distance away? Unfortunately, your inner workings, although as arguably important as intergalactic dynamics, are similarly hard to relate to, for other people. They don’t necessarily understand what’s going on, or—more importantly—how it affects them. This week, clue people in, even if it means simplifying things. Don’t describe the ongoing nuclear fission reaction sustaining our sun and your soul, just say, “Fire…hot,” and leave it at that.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Stay. Don’t go. Complaints have been coming in about your lack of consistency. When you’re present, you’re warm, loving, and all-around wonderful. But your recent absences—physical and mental—are distressing to all concerned. Everyone who loves you is aware of your unfathomable depth, your dark feelings and unknowable concerns. But retreating from everyone until you’ve arrived at a lighter mental place is the wrong move; it’s too easily interpreted as a rejection, instead of an admirable bid to shield those you adore. We don’t need protection from you. It doesn’t matter if we understand your troubles. It just matters that you’re willing to let us try.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Tauruses are the least likely sign to see Jesus in a tortilla, be anally probed by alien abductors, or get splashed by the Loch Ness monster. Still, you might become more superstitious after this week. When “coincidences” stack so precisely, you may wonder if there’s more than just random chance at work. No one’s asking you to become an avid leprechaun hunter or poltergeist investigator. But once you accept that your fate might be nudged occasionally by forces outside your awareness or understanding, you’ll be much happier than when you insisted on pinpointing a rational explanation for everything.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Divine inspiration is pretty random. You can’t just tell the universe, “Okay, give me definitive proof that God exists.” I tried that, opening mental conduits to the rushing torrent of information that I imagine the cosmic unconscious to be. Instead, I was rewarded with precise insight on how to read and understand baseball statistics. So… I’ll work with that. You do pretty well tuning out the outside world and generating an impressive oeuvre out of your own inner workings. But you’d do even better synthesizing that precise control with the chaos the world throws at you. Open up, Gemini, and you’ll hit more homers this season than you ever have before.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Hermit mode continues unabated this week. You lapsed into your shell recently, and it might be good to continue that precedent, so you can be properly recharged for the forced socialization of the upcoming holiday season. It really is okay to be introverted and antisocial for a couple weeks at a time, so don’t feel pressured to be a social butterfly because of some arbitrary rule you’ve set for yourself. Besides, come next week, anything people-oriented goes. And I mean anything. You’ll be so popular you could get famous playing the accordion. Why not try?
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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)