Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Although you might suddenly develop the mutant ability to walk through walls, vault barriers, or freeze time, I wouldn’t count on it. Let’s face it, the easy ways out you’re praying for are simply unlikely to happen, not without an unprecedented barrage of cosmic rays or supernatural spider bites. Although the other solutions are vastly more complicated, difficult, and mundane, you may have to accept that they’re the only way. To get you started, though, I’ll let you in on a little secret—if there is a shortcut through your predicament, the only way you’ll find it is by at least starting on the long way around.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Before the wound can heal, you’ve got to pull out the arrow, bullet, or sliver of glass. Instead, you’ve let the weapon that injured you stay lodged in the gash it created, because you fear that removing it will cause even more pain than you’ve already suffered. Unfortunately, a certain amount of bleeding and reopening is necessary so that you can finally move on. The consolation: although scar tissue can feel tight, constrictive, and inflexible compared to how you were before the injury, you’ll still be far more free than you were with the arrow poking out of your side.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You may feel like you’re in the middle of recording a compilation of your Greatest Hits. Although you’re a little bored rehashing this old material, please continue. It never hurts to remind your more fickle friends what’s so great about the things you’ve already done, and inspire them to consider the things you’re capable of in the future. Also, considering the occasional slump you suffered this past season, it might be good to remind yourself. Besides, while you’re in the studio remixing the same tired hits, there’s no reason you can’t lay down some fresh tracks for your next original masterpiece.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
The one constant in life is change. You know this, so why do I see you resisting it so adamantly and persistently? You have to take risks and change some priorities as you age; holding yourself to the same standards at 50 as you did at 20 will only result in misery, disappointment, and regret, as it leads to outmoded concepts like being “past your peak.” Each chapter of your life has its own goals, limitations, and standards of success. It might be time to lose last chapter’s rulebook, and start writing a new one.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Consider some difficult lessons you’ve learned: realizing that your superhero Underoos wouldn’t confer their corresponding superpowers on you; learning that doggie heaven might not even be in the same place as human heaven, if it even exists; or when it finally became unspeakably apparent that you could no longer drink yourself into oblivion and still go to work the next day. It’s not that I want you to relive the pain of discovering limitations of knowledge or ability. Instead, the next time you encounter an apparent constraint, remember the solutions you developed to surmount or circumvent those problems, like developing superpowers that will work whether you wear underwear or not; rewriting your religion into something that actually makes sense, and figuring out how to party without puking. Once it’s obvious that you’re better off for having conquered these crises, you might almost look forward to your next one.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Imagine that two of your favorite limbs and your most beloved sense were all ripped from you in a cruel accident, but replaced by high-tech bionic prostheses. Initially, you might curse fate and grieve your lost parts, but eventually you’d let yourself become interested in your new ones. What can they do? Chances are, they’re stronger, faster, or more sensitive, if different than what you’re used to. That’s this week’s process—figuring out how to get over what you’ve lost and get into what you’ve gained. Since you’re not getting those stolen pieces back, work on assimilating your new ones. If you start now, by this time next week your old flesh and bone will be old news.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week, compose and swear your own version of the bodhisattva vow. In Buddhism, a bodhisattva is someone who makes a solemn oath not to proceed to the blissful state of enlightenment known as nirvana until all others have achieved that state. In your case, it’s more like refusing to leave a burning building before you’re sure everyone else has escaped, or giving everybody generous second helpings of dessert before you take any for yourself. If you practice simple acts of reasonable kindness like those I suggested, you ought to find yourself experiencing your own minor nirvana soon enough—almost without trying.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Let’s arm-wrestle. I wish I could just reach my arm through the page, because lately you thrive best when required to rise to a challenge. Although in general you prefer friendly competitions to cutthroat contests, you’ll find that either one will work amazingly well to bring out your best parts—especially because you’re likely to win nearly every trial you enter (you’d kick my skinny ass). That doesn’t mean you have to make everything hard. Some things (especially for you) are just easy. However, when given a choice to get to where you’re going via ropes course or airport people-mover, choose the one that will give you calluses.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Many Aquarians—sometimes at a surprisingly early age—surpass their parents in wisdom and experience. Suddenly knowing more about life than your sheltered folks can be a jarring prospect. It’s daunting to finally accept that their roles as guardians and guides have diminished. However, that doesn’t mean you have to “go it alone” for the rest of your days. Even if those who begat you don’t have a clue about the circumstances you face, there are still plenty of wise and worldly people you can learn from. So your old teachers can’t protect you anymore. Find some new ones, before you make mistakes you’d rather avoid.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
This is a good week to start an online church. I know you’ve been practicing your own brand of amalgamated religion comprised of pieces of virtually every spiritual tradition or idea you’ve encountered. Isn’t it time to share it? It’s not that the masses are necessarily ready to hear it or get it (although assuredly a few will), it’s that you’re finally ready to share it, and absorb the lessons that the process of doing so reveals. You’re familiar with the concept that to truly learn something, you have to teach it—since you’ve yet to grasp one of the rosiest, juiciest apples of your personal tree of knowledge and wisdom, I’m hoping that teaching a few lessons from that orchard will help shake it loose.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
If you’ve retained enough of your inner child to hold onto dolls, video games, plastic trucks, and so on, good for you. If not, I’m confident that they’ve only been replaced by “adult” equivalents, like your kids’ toys, power tools, real trucks, etc. How do I know this? Because Rams have an astrological imperative to play. Resisting it would be like avoiding eating, or sleeping. Don’t deny your absolute need to recreate—it’s one of the best parts of you. If you’ve been refraining from indulging because of some disapproving lameass nearby, lose them immediately. There are plenty of people who are eager to get your hands on their toys. Find one (or two, or seven) of them.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“Me hungry,” you grunt, as you attempt to gnaw open a can of pork n’ beans with your teeth. On many a recent occasion you’ve been willing—and in some cases, determined—to use methods that some would consider primitive and inefficient, at least in comparison to the other options at your disposal, like the electric can opener you have in hand, or simply helping yourself to the delicious buffet spread straight ahead. Although there’s something to be said for old school—and even ancient—methods, don’t go overboard. You have advantages; use them, or risk losing them.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)