Gemini (May 21-June 20)
For a sign that’s often noted for your mind, you Gems are hardly divorced from your bodies. It seems that every Gemini I know has at least one astonishing physical feat at their disposal; “Janice” can fit her whole hand in her mouth, “Lee” does stunts with ping pong balls and orifices that would make porn stars blush, and “Alister” can squeeze his whole body through an unstrung tennis racket. Still, there’s been a recent rift between your brain and bod. To heal that, practice just being in your skin. The traditional ways (going to the gym or taking up jogging) are fine, but I can tell your spirit (and your avid fans) are hoping you’ll adopt an astonishing new trick. Do it!
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Tides, basically, are caused by the massive weight of the ocean trying to fall towards the Moon. If lunar gravity can cause impressive movement in immense bodies of water, why shouldn’t it affect squishy, watery humans? You’ve got a plethora of interesting entities orbiting you these days, despite your inattention. Don’t underestimate them. No matter how ineffectual they may seem, reflecting only the wan light of a distant sun, they may have more effect on you than you think. This week, consider which ones are pulling you in the right direction, and which ones you ought to send winging into the asteroid belt.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re poised on the dewy, verdant lip of lush opulence. Whole fields of wildflowers are inhaling collectively, their moist buds aching to burst into riotous bloom. Vulvae are dripping with summer juices; dicks are aching with swollen virility; entire flocks of lovesick avians are nearly plummeting to their deaths while trying to reinvent the quickie, out of necessity; cats are caterwauling violent operas in the alleyways; and it’s all for you, Leo. Even if it’s not expressly in your honor, it might as well be, for no one is as primed as you are to reap and appreciate all this ripe summer lust and romance and passion, to milk every nectar-laden drop.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
It’s not that Virgos are unloving; au contraire, you’re usually the sweetest, most wonderfully adoring people to have around. It’s that often your love takes the form of doing millions of nice things for your loved ones, simplifying their lives in every way you can think of. And those who cherish you do notice that. But some of the people you adore (especially those Leos and Pisces, this week) are craving something a little more impractical, even romantic. When all it takes is a little sweetness that has nothing to do with schedules or To-Do lists, pleasing them is worth the effort.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Lately, I’ve viewed you as a gifted young director, producing award-worthy movies every day—if only they were actually caught on film. Since your recent artistry has been all about gifted social interaction, I’m going to share the wisdom every successful artist wields: Know when to stop. Becoming obsessed with perfection can only end badly; usually, by you screwing up the piece for good by adding too much to it. Your genius at evoking brilliant performances from all the “players” in any given situation is at its peak. Don’t ruin it by overdoing it. Trust your gut and know when to say, “And…scene.”
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
There are no new stories, just a handful of ancient tales cut apart and pasted together into new forms, told in new ways. But things are changing. Science is learning to break down matter and energy into smaller and smaller units; in similar fashion, we approach the Planck’s Constant of stories, and use these tiny pieces in radioactive new ways. Don’t bitterly believe that you know the ending to the yarn you’re spinning now. You have the skill to divide what’s left into miniscule pieces and reweave them into a pattern so intricate, beautiful, and unpredictable that it might as well be something totally new.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Like every Sag, at some point in your life you’ve had (or will have) a moment when most of your old girlfriends and/or boyfriends find themselves in the same room, and bond based on their experiences with you. Smart Sagittarians know how to breathe through this kind of thing, how to bear the harrowing and humbling weight of all that shared gossip and judgment. Since multiple chapters of your past may be convening soon to compare notes, stay cool. The worst that may happen is they’ll have a good laugh at your expense. At best, an old flame could be rekindled, or at least sparked up enough to get you a “for-old-time’s-sake” fling.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Sometimes you stumble into weird, unexpected realities. For instance, you might find yourself soaking in a tub shaped like a champagne glass, or napping on a heart-shaped bed. In the mirrored ceiling, you watch your reflected surprise as you suddenly snap awake and wonder: “How in the hell did I get here? Is this what I thought I was getting into?” I’m probably wrong about the specifics, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this week’s slightly bizarre twists aren’t exactly what you had in mind when you set out on this path. All is not lost, though; now that you’ve figured it out, you can start looking for shortcuts back to where you really need to be.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It’s time for some cutbacks, a little pruning, and I’m not talking about just trimming the pubic bush. Some parts of your life are streamlined and organized, while others are about as aerodynamic as a garbage truck, and just as full of crap. But redesigning your M.O. holds new challenges now. Going totally solo isn’t your style anymore, remember? You’ve got to figure out a way to carry along all the people who mutually love and adore you. So, when executing an overhaul and revamping your life, don’t think two-seater sports car; think super-light monorail.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’ve been blindfolded and marched who knows where. You could be standing on a gangplank above chum-crazy-shark-infested waters, or lingering by the altar under the cyclopean eyes of cameras with marriage-vow teleprompters, a white gold ring, and an overeager fiancé. You have every right to flip your shit, but I hope you won’t. Wherever you end up, you had a hand in getting there, either through passive inaction or unreasonable, stubborn immovability. Now that you’re on the spot, before you reject it out of hand, at least consider the possibility that this is where you secretly wanted to be all along.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
It’s time for a long-overdue reminder about the nature of crises. Yes, they’re just one more oppressive burden of shit added to your already overloaded emotional cargo hold. They threaten to sink the entire ship of your life. But for someone as resourceful and determined as you are, a lightning strike need not be pure disaster. Any challenge is an occasion to shine. The next bolt that dares to pin you between the waves should be seized. Put on your asbestos gloves and climb it (this is a metaphor, you can do that here). Ride the chaos of the thunderhead for a while. It might be scary, but it’ll also carry you further faster than you’ve gone in months.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week, you’ll enjoy an unusual amount of perspective and clarity. Maybe you can finally see how a tiny shift can make something supporting, loving, and nurturing seem oppressive, smothering, and restrictive, or vice versa. Being given space can feel like being abandoned, or being romantically pursued can suddenly resemble sinister stalking. The majority of your circumstances could truly go either way, depending on how you want or believe they should. Now that you know that reality is what you decide it is, you’re free to opt for the version that makes you happier. Why you’d choose otherwise is beyond me.