Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Is this life or a sitcom? I saw you doing something ridiculous, like sneaking in through your boyfriend’s doggy door to rip up a regretted break-up note before he read it, or faking a broken leg, cast and all, just so you could cut in line at the amusement park. Whatever great and preposterous lengths you’re willing to go to avert disaster or get ahead, you should be thankful for one thing: sometimes—albeit very rarely—life does resemble a sitcom. That is, your ludicrous deceptions have prospects of actually succeeding, provided you’re foresighted enough to bring treats for the dog who regularly uses that door, and remember to use your crutches whenever you’re supposed to.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
This week you’re a lumbering, four-story giant, capable of smooshing even the most muscle-bound mere human almost by accident. Being an emotional Goliath isn’t easy, though: Your massive strength is a hindrance when executing delicate operations. Calibrating sensitive equipment or performing brain surgery are probably beyond your thigh-thick fingers. However, don’t let these limitations send you into the “all or nothing” mentality some Cancers are infamous for. Yes, fine-tuned compromises are complicated by the bigness of your inner world right now, but they’re not impossible, if you’re creative and willing to ask for help.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Silence can mean many things. It could signify thick, stultifying tension. It might indicate a degree of comfort or intimacy that precludes speech. It’s sometimes serene, pregnant, or strained. Precisely because it represents a lack of information, it’s often misinterpreted. For instance, while you’re on your seventh date, you and your companion lapse into what you think is a comfortable, easy silence. Meanwhile, your date is bored out of their mind, wondering why the hell you’re not saying something. Since a misread moment could spell disaster this week, make sure you know what’s really going on.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week’s lesson: Give cows love. Jains use mouth covers and soft brooms to protect small creatures from inhalation or tromping. Vegans (living in denial about all the fine, wild creatures killed to prevent damage to their beloved organic vegetables) abstain from animal products. Don’t let your admirable desire to avoid incurring more karmic debt impel you to extremes like these. They contradict a basic tenet of survival: life is predicated on life. Many beautiful beings die to feed and clothe us. Sacrifices are made constantly on many levels to augment or support your existence. Don’t ignore them, out of guilt or ignorance. Acknowledge and honor them. Some big-eyed bovine spent its whole life growing to feed itself to you. Go ahead and enjoy the hamburger; while you’re at it, love the cow.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Thank you for being the arbiters of good taste. Even if popular fashion somehow decreed that psychedelic rainbow skull print fabrics were this year’s “in thing,” you’d probably abstain. Leave that to those goofy Pisceans, you’d declare, sticking to your classy, slightly more conservative tones. But don’t let that good sense stunt your creativity. Sometimes, the coolest shit walks that line right on the edge of bad taste, or even crosses over just a little. Being a tad ugly or gauche is way more interesting than mere prettiness. This week, keep that in mind.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
People like predictions. Whenever I make forecasts about concrete events (“You’ll have sex with a coworker in the copy room,” “You may lose a shoe at the beach,” etc….), I get amazed emails telling me when I got it right and reports from smug, horoscope-reading skeptics when I didn’t. I rarely bother because it’s kind of ridiculous to suppose that any single remarkable event will happen to all (or even most) members of a specific sign. Still, I go out on that limb occasionally to give both naysayers and believers some satisfaction. Now it’s your turn to do a good deed that will (except for through an impractically circuitous law of returns) benefit only others. Follow my example: take one for the team.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Although the standard cliché is that everyone on the planet is no more than six degrees of separation from everyone else, lately you’ve begun to suspect that that number has shrunk to five. You’ve certainly done your part—collective Sagittarian gadding about has not only paid untold networking dividends for you personally, it’s brought the rest of us just a little closer together. However, you’ve been slightly disappointed because it’s failed to manifest the one person you’ve really been longing for. Don’t worry. My astrological crystal ball tells me that you’re only two degrees away. Keep your eyes open this week to make that paramount connection.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Let’s talk about healing the disconnect between your life and the natural world. It’s so easy to become swept up in the complex rhythms of urban existence, and forget the joys of playing in mud, watching green things grow, and walking around barefoot in the grass. It’s important for a supposedly “earthy” creature like you to stay in touch with the ground beneath all that asphalt and artificiality. This week, figure out ways to incorporate something natural into your life. Plant and nurture something. Making friends with something sun-loving and green is more than that—it’s renewing your friendship with yourself.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You just discovered that the beautiful house you sunk your life savings into is haunted. You were willing to overlook its physical shortcomings—the draft in the master bedroom, the water damage in the servants’ quarters, and the ghastly electric stove. Those things are fixable. But the ghosts and closet skeletons scare the hell out of you. What to do? You may not have the right (they were there first) or means to evict them. Can you live with them? It could be fun; and it would certainly be easier than separating yourself or your investment from its unforeseen baggage.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Merely living causes a build-up of internal toxins (physical and spiritual). Just breathing the air can pollute you; let’s not go into the junk food or drugs you may be fond of. Give your body, and your soul, a rest. A chance to filter life’s heavy shit from your existence is worth more than the money downtime will cost you. (Besides it’ll add years to your life in which to compensate.) What can you do to rectify the unhealthy concentration of contaminants defiling your innards, both etheric and material? This week, figure out a way.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
When sailing, you often have to head away from your destination, in order to obtain maximum benefit from the wind. This approach should seem familiar; it’s necessary to attain your goals right now. The karmic breeze simply isn’t blowing in the right direction to carry you straight to your target; instead you’ve got to tack to take full advantage of the wind and momentum you’ve already got. It requires a longer view than you Rams are used to—you’re infamous for your straight-on approach to life—but I know you’re versatile enough to handle it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s nearly impossible to write something amazing in one draft or paint a masterpiece in one go at the canvas. Most of the time, you scrawl down what you can, then return later, fresh, to slap on a new layer. This is how a couple broad strokes become The Last Supper or War and Peace. What you have now is just a good, solid idea—only months of patient labor and cultivation will transform it from conceptual to material. Do you have the stamina and desire to help your concept flourish into the tour de force it could be? If not, don’t waste any more time on it—give the idea to someone who does, and will.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)