Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week, you’re sort of a commando of love, forcing people together at gunpoint. Wielding your AK-47 like some kind of kamikaze cupid, you’ve been wreaking romantic havoc with fearsome glee. Just be careful; being the love child of Rambo and Aphrodite comes with responsibilities, not just ardor-tipped bullets. Although you’re to continue spreading your terrifying goodwill prolifically, the commandments from on high dictate that you do so more wisely than capriciously—don’t get carried away with your outlandish matchmaking. Pair people for their own good, not for your entertainment.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Even a crow can learn how to make and use her own tools. A research team tested the crow’s problem-solving abilities by dangling a bit of food just out of reach. Taking a straight piece of metal wire, she learned to bend it into a hook to grab the treat. Pretty clever, eh? You might also be surprised by the new tricks your most small-minded opponents have learned. Don’t underestimate them. If a bird with a brain the size of an apricot can fashion exactly the right implement to get what she wants, might not your dumbest adversary be capable of a similar feat?
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Your recent roles have surprised even you: a regular shoulder to cry on; a stagehand in someone else’s show; a doting mama/papa figure, and a cleaning assistant, required to mop up messes even the head janitor wouldn’t touch. Still, I hope that you’ve found time and energy amidst all this nurturing to take care of yourself, too, or you won’t be able to handle the protective tasks the universe may require of you in the coming weeks, like rescuing someone from a burning building (real or metaphorical) or defending the defenseless with no weapon sharper than your tongue. If you don’t take care of yourself, you might also miss an imminent opportunity to perform an anonymous good deed so magnificent that years of bad behavior would be instantly expunged from your karma.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
It’s a tremendous burden, being so popular and in demand, isn’t it? Still, as much as you get off on the constant flurry of activity, there are moments when you wish you could just duck into a sensory deprivation tank to give your overstimulated brain a much-needed break. Because it doesn’t look like you’ll be slowing down any time soon, I suggest you give this impulse some consideration; at the very least, take a few minutes every day to just be still and breathe, even if you have to do it in a bathroom stall between meetings.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Astrology is all bullshit. At least, that’s what you Virgos would have us believe; that you’re not as organized or anal as the horoscope cabal makes you out to be. Stop freaking. No one could accomplish the superhuman feat of squeezing an extra three hours into every day without seriously having their shit together. We like that about you. I’m simply urging you to harness that organizational force to make time for some constructive relaxation, too. This week, show us what you can accomplish from the comfort of a beach chair, tropical drink in hand (something with a tiny umbrella). Get some sun while you get stuff done.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
The Libran stereotype dictates that you’re shallowly obsessed with beauty. The reality is that although nearly all Libras have a keen awareness of appearance and style, in most cases they don’t elevate it above more intangible qualities, like humor, or chemistry—at least when dealing with other people. You occasionally fail to extend that enlightened approach to one person, however: you. Extinguish your tendency to magnify and negatively judge your own flaws and blemishes. You’re kind enough to cut other people some slack; won’t you do the same for yourself?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Can you imitate the horned lizard? Since you’ll be facing metaphorical predators much larger and faster than you, its tactics could come in handy this week. First, it’s camouflaged to help it blend into its arid brown habitat; it’s even smart enough to press itself against the ground so its shadow isn’t visible. However, when discovered and cornered, the reptile has another line of defense: it can spray blood out of its eyes for several feet. Most attackers are so horrified by this bizarre behavior that they beat a hasty retreat. Don’t leap right off to such a gruesome last resort, though; like the lizard, try more conventional methods to avoid confrontation. However, don’t rule out more desperate measures, if you’re left no other choice.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re The Human Torch. Blazing with fiery power, you can fly brightly through the sky like a comet, hurl fireballs at your antagonists, and throw up walls of flame as defense against the things that threaten you. But you’re lonely. What’s the use of being able to soar gloriously above town when you have to do it alone, since whoever you try to bring with you gets scorched? They say that power is isolating; that may be true to some extent, but it’s not universal. Some types of power are lonelier than others, like the kind you’re exercising. Perhaps its time to pursue different sources of strength? Just don’t go to the opposite extreme; I think Iceman is probably a little lonely too.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
For most of the winter, you were skiing downhill, backwards, a lot—even when you really wanted to climb up. Just stopping on the icy slopes was nearly impossible. Now things are shifting, and you can finally unstrap your skis and slog uphill in the rapidly melting metaphorical snow. It’s a shame to have lost so much ground in so many vital areas, but don’t dwell on it; you’ve got your work cut out for you: demonstrate your aptitude for radical shifts by not only catching up to where you last left off, but blazing past that old stopping point until you’re in a whole different time zone.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
In some places in the U.S., women are legally allowed to go topless anywhere men can. In practice, however, when they do so they’re usually harassed, ogled, and shamed. Although more women would probably exercise this right if it was no big deal, few care enough to endure the hassle they’d get now. This week, you might be willing to weather a great deal of criticism to prove a treasured point. Still, whatever outlandish thing you feel compelled to do, have a backup plan. For example, if you decide to bare your melons (or help someone bare hers) in public, bring a bra and T-shirt, in case the aggravation that results is more bother than it’s worth.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
What a poker match! You can’t afford to lose some of the things you wagered, so you’ve absolutely got to win this hand. Unfortunately, the dealer tossed you a load of crap, so it’s time to do something you’re astonishingly good at, despite your lack of practice: hold your cards close to your chest and bluff. Your ability to pretend convincingly and exude boisterous confidence is essential. Make the best of what you’re dealt, but don’t count on it. As far as everyone else at the table is concerned, you’ve got four aces.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Take off your boxing gloves. The fight you’re preparing for is going to get dirty. Although you’re a little glad that the reasonable—and boring—conflict resolution fell through, it’s frustrating to see just how pointless (and almost certainly dangerous) this scrap will be: neither of will change the other’s mind. Since you’re going to brawl anyway, why not make constructive use of the peripheral violence? Line up some of your most annoying hindrances, and let them get smashed in your head-butting contest. Once the fight is over, it won’t really matter who won: You’ll be a few Band-Aids and an icepack heavier, minus a couple hundred pounds of unnecessary baggage.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)