Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
If you could see dead people, I’d hope that you wouldn’t be a victim about it. Instead of considering yourself horribly haunted, you might regard yourself as immensely popular, instead. Sure, your guests are creepy and disgusting, but they’re also privy to wisdom and knowledge that you could make use of. It might even make you rich, if you worked it right. This week, please turn whatever’s happening to you to your advantage, no matter how unpleasant (or pleasant), private, or seemingly negative it is. There’s a silver lining you can get to. All you have to do is look for it.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
When you fail, it’s not always because you’ve simply been outplayed. Sometimes you’ve managed to thwart yourself. There’s usually a good reason for this kind of self-sabotage. When you “accidentally” screw yourself over this week, remember that. Don’t waste time berating yourself for what you’d usually deem a preventable and stupid mistake. Instead, consider your loss a blessing in disguise, and start looking for the reasons why that might be so. They’re there.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Control your temper this week. This may be way, way harder than it ought to be, because, remember: the last time you slammed your fist through a wall, you found an ancient cash-stash hidden behind the plaster. Talk about validation. It was like the universe handed you a big fat reward for blowing your top. Not this week, though. Lady Luck is a capricious bitch, and she’s liable to take away more than she gave last time, if you give her an opening. In other words, the next wall you punch will probably be concrete, and the medical bills for your broken hand will outstrip ten hidden treasures.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Welcome to zero gravity. Your time in the metaphorical space station will be brief but harrowing; nothing’s nailed down right now. All the pieces of your life are floating willy-nilly in all directions. Please don’t attempt to organize them or otherwise pin them down, however. This will only create greater chaos. Practice serenity, instead. Sudden movements (physical or emotional) should be avoided until next week, when normal gravity will begin to gradually reassert itself. Do not rush this process. Hint: If you wait until it’s completely over before you attempt to clean up the mess created during this time, you might not have to do it alone.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Fold. Withdraw all bets. You’re just not the least bit lucky right now. If I were you, I’d leave as little to chance as possible at the moment. There are times to gamble–even cautious, ambitious plodders like you know that–and this is definitely not one of them. Believe me, I despise giving advice like this: play it safe. But sometimes it’s just plain unavoidable. I’d be irresponsible if I urged you to play in traffic right now; you’d get nailed the second you stepped off the curb. Just take it easy, politely refuse risky ventures, and bide your time. Good fortune will come. Just not this week.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Why don’t you try just dropping your guard? Extend some trust–without a safety net. I’m not going to guarantee you won’t fall, and we both know if you take a tumble now you will break some bones. So, really, there’s no better time to take a leap, knowing full well it might snap your legs. Accept that, because it won’t change–except that you’ll get even more brittle (and less willing to gamble). Risks are part of life. If you won’t take one now, why would you take one later? And if you won’t take one later, why bother living?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’ve entered a scary new chapter, one that’ll encompass more than half of the year to come. I understand your apprehension; there’s absolutely no way to anticipate what’ll happen to you during this time. It’s like a long, tortuous, dim tunnel, deep underground, which could as easily be filled with benevolent gnomes and treasure, or ravenous beasts and precipitous plunges. You’ll never know which, pre-exploration. That’s the rough news (which you already knew). Luckily, you’ve got a very clear idea of what could await you at the end of the tunnel: the light of your next chapter is bright and inspiring. Be faithful to that. Keep its images firmly in mind and you simply can’t be derailed by the pleasures or pitfalls of this chapter. Now, if that’s not good news, I don’t know what is.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re not trapped. Sure, your movements are a bit encumbered, but you’ve still got choices. Hopefully, it’s a relief to find that you haven’t passed the point of no return–you thought it was that intersection you crossed a while back. However, that dread No Turning Back sign is looming up ahead. The last final warning you got turned out to be a false alarm (Lucky for you, since you missed your chance to get out at that time). This one is no fire drill, though. Get out or buckle in for the ride. Escape before next week or you’re on this one until the thing stops on its own.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Omens and portents aren’t usually your style, but I suggest you make an exception this week. The universe is striving to impart some feedback about your recent choices, and unfortunately, whatever higher powers there are prefer (at least at the moment) to use methods that are highly subject to interpretation. Luckily, deciphering these clues shouldn’t be too hard, provided you’re receptive to them; it’ll be pretty obvious, once you’re looking, to see when you’re delivered validation or a warning, and what you ought to do next. Then, do it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The problem with children that spring full-grown from your forehead is that more than half the time they want to kick your ass, or kill you. Keep this in mind when you’re tempted to send your fledglings out into the world prematurely this week. That’d be a huge mistake. They’re not ready to leave the nest. I know the place is crowded and you’re exhausted. Nevertheless, persist a little longer. Your creations will benefit from the extra care. In return, they won’t come back to haunt you (or screw you over). It’s a fair trade, believe me.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I hope the edge of your seat’s comfortable, because that’s where you’ll be, when you get to sit at all. Don’t feel too bad about the fact that you’ll mostly be racing around like a decapitated chicken, though; there’s no way you could have prepared better than you have. You simply had to wait for certain pieces to fall into place and you couldn’t reasonably act until they did. Well, now they have, and you’re not going to have time for much else. So what? It’s bound to be exciting, interesting, and, on some level, satisfying. At least you’re good at it. So don’t stress; shine, instead.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Prepare to face disappointment early this week when your latest get-rich-quick scheme is prove infeasible. It’s a clunker. You should have known, however, that it wouldn’t be as easy as that. Don’t try to salvage this one. The bad outweighs the good; it’ll drag you down before you save any piece of it. Just let it go as deadweight and concentrate instead on what is going well for you: your love/sex life. A window opens this week for you to either start an affair with someone who’s radically different from you, or to spark up your current relationship’s routine with some weird and exciting new shit. Go there, and leave your failed enterprise forgotten in the dust.
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