Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Sometimes I wait until I have guests coming over before I properly clean my apartment. Similarly, Valentine’s Day (bullshit though it is) can be a jump start for your sense of romance, even if you didn’t actually have a date last week. It’s totally arbitrary, but it just might work. You should embrace romance more often, just like I should scrub my place whether or not I’m expecting company. But we both know it doesn’t work out that way. Well, at least it can work out some way, this week. Ignore the schlocky artificial trappings of stuff like Valentine’s Day, but find your way to expressing and experiencing something truly romantic.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Perhaps you’re sending out the wrong signals. People keep trying to do nice things for you, but their efforts are missing the mark, because they’ve gotten the wrong impression of what you want or need. You appreciate their attempts to please you, of course, but you can imagine how disappointing it is for someone to go to tremendous trouble only to receive a heartfelt, “Well, it’s the thought that counts,” when they thought they’d hit a home run. It’s not them, though. It’s you. Be more obvious, especially this week, about some of the things that might make you especially happy. Help us, in other words, help you.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I love it when my dog gets so excited about something that he vocalizes in a way that really sounds like he’s trying to talk. Unfortunately, people might have more luck understanding my pup’s nonsense than figuring out what you’re attempting to articulate this week, because your normal verbal prowess has more or less abandoned you. It’s possible to prevent a lot of confusion by simply keeping your mouth shut. That doesn’t mean turning into a wallflower, however. (As if!) It just means you’ll have to communicate primarily non-verbally this week. You may find, however, that you’re not only quite good at that–but it can also be incredibly fun.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Some Bulls clung faithfully to their flip-phones until they had no choice but to glumly upgrade to smart phones. I don’t think it’s an especially Taurean trait to resist embracing new technology, per se, but each of you picks one particular area of your life in which to drag your feet. Anyone who pushes you to move faster in that direction usually gets gored and trampled. Resisting change is fine, when there’s good reason for it; the world moves too fast sometimes. But give us a little credit here; we know you. If one of your friends is pushing you faster than you want to go, there’s probably a good reason. Instead of being ornery and punishing them for their good intentions, would you please consider just going where they’re trying to take you?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

What would a movie of your life be about? I know you’ve got some compelling story to tell, but I’m afraid you may have lost track of what it is, buried beneath the mundane details of your daily existence. This week, rediscover some of the more extraordinary chapters of your life (preferably more engrossingly than merely perusing old photos about them). You need to remind yourself of some of the cooler shit you’ve already done, so when you embark on the next great adventure of your life this week (waiting would be pointless and lame, after all), you’ll be inspired to try something truly new.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

This week is a perfect chance to “reset” a friendship. If your relationship with someone has gone somehow awry, here’s a chance to correct it and put the whole thing back on a better track, one that leads to greater intimacy, hilarity, and love, rather than frustration, confusion, or jealousy. They’d accept a sincere apology now, even if they’ve rejected them before. It’s not just about making amends, though. By the end of this week, you want your friendship to not only be back to where it was once, but somewhere way better. Settling for less would just be boring and lame.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re more motivated by rewards than punishments. Fear of consequences or reprisals won’t usually get you to do something you don’t want to do. But the chance at recognition, impressing someone you admire, or even more tangible and delicious desserts will often get your ass in gear when nothing else will. Unfortunately, you’re not lucky enough to have anyone goading you with either potential chastisement or praise at the moment. You have to be your own taskmaster/benefactor, and provide your own reprimands or compliments, punishments or rewards. Play that role for yourself, or look forward to a week where you don’t get shit done.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

When learning math in high school, I absolutely sucked at memorizing formulae and remembering the kinds of problems they applied to. However, if someone could explain to me the concepts behind solving the problems, I did quite well. Naturally, this was a more complex way to convey the necessary information, when most people were perfectly happy to simply remember that for problem A they plugged in formula C, and so on. Pat, superficial solutions won’t work for you either. You have to understand the problems behind the problems, and solve those. Beware of anything that smacks of a simple answer this week. That’s likely to only cover over the problem so you can ignore it until it’s much, much worse.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I can think in three different languages; it’s interesting to watch, based on my proficiency in each language as well as the structure of the language itself, how my thoughts and perceptions change. It’s like putting a different filter on a camera lens, or a different color gel on a spotlight. I find it helpful at times to switch modes, to see something from a slightly different angle. You could benefit, too, from a somewhat altered perspective. Experiment with different ways to change your viewpoint on your most troubling problems, in order to see a way through what’s otherwise an untenable situation. If all else fails, I’ll suggest one change of perspective that almost always works: distance. Going far away from your quandary for a while means you’ll almost certainly see it differently, and perhaps also see a way through it that wasn’t obvious before.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

How well can you transcend your habits, even temporarily? I’m sorry to say that you’re probably more in their grip than you’d like to imagine. Would it take a diagnosis of lung cancer for you to quit smoking, for example? Or could you do it before things got that extreme? If you give the universe no alternative but to give you a sign you can’t ignore, it will do exactly that, sooner or later. However, if you prove willing to heed lesser signals and free yourself from your worst tendencies before they get the best of you, you might get one this week.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

When was the last time you really challenged yourself? I mean really tested what you could do, by taking on something you honestly didn’t know you could probably succeed at? Mostly you’ve been playing it relatively safe lately, only trying things if you were pretty sure they would work out well. How boring, and totally unworthy of you. You’re supposed to be the adventurers and risk-takers of the zodiac. Your street cred is sinking fast, baby. Better do something dramatic to beef it up, and soon, or you might find yourself the new astrological homebodies everyone feels slightly sorry for.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You have a reputation for being unforgiving, but I think it’s mostly undeserved. I’ve seen you, after all, give people third, fourth, or fifth chances. You deserve that unkind label only in regards to yourself–because you almost never give yourself even a second chance to fix something you’ve screwed up, let alone more. Can’t you be a little gentler with yourself, at least this week? You deserve a few tries, especially because what you’re attempting now is something you’ve never done before.

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