Aries (March 21-April 19)
Screw modesty, selflessness, and moderation. Yeah, that’s right. I know. I can’t believe I’m telling you this, either. Advising an Aries to throw all restraint to the winds is dangerous! Nevertheless, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting, especially when it comes to expressing your (perhaps belated) birthday wishes. You’re (astonishingly) likely to aim too low. You’ve got a gargantuan metaphorical credit limit with friends, family, and coworkers right now, no money down, no interest. Don’t waste it by asking for lollipops and stickers. You’re not a kid anymore; you need some bigger toys.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re not usually obsessive, but you walk the line sometimes. Let’s just say that you’re incredibly persistent and consistent. These are often good qualities, but I bet you can name two areas where manifesting them isn’t exactly healthy or positive. You can see where I’m headed, can’t you? This week, make a few minor but significant changes along these lines. This should be easy, since it involves relaxing and letting go–which you’re actually quite good at. You’ve simply never tried to ease up regarding these particular people or situations. Now, my dear, is the time to try.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Weirdly enough, the people who are likely to matter most to you right now are ones who aren’t generally very important in your life. No one you consider family–either by blood or choice–is likely to figure too largely in the most significant events of the week. The ones to keep your eye on are those in close proximity–through work, mutual friends, or other circumstances–but who you never (or rarely) think about. They’ve got stuff to say and things to do that will actually make quite a bit of difference in how you live your life in the next couple of weeks, for good or ill. So pay attention when they drop hints and clues. For once, they’re actually important.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Work, work, work. It’s not all you ever do, although occasionally it may feel like it. Actually, you’ve got it pretty easy, especially compared to those overachieving Capricorns and Virgos. However, there are times when it’s important to focus on whatever’s paying the bills, to the apparent detriment of the rest of your life. It’s not really as shitty as it sounds: Your job is the key to enjoying many other aspects of your existence, whether or not you dig it in and of itself. If there’s a way to get more out of your work without putting much more in (and there is), I say take it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
What paths will you pursue this year? I’m not making some New Age-y metaphorical allusion, although you’re free to interpret it that way anyway, if you like. I was asking more literally: Where would you like to actually go? It’s important that you take yourself places, preferably physically. While it’s true that you can go on major trips without ever leaving your bedroom, it’s easier to get the effect you want (and need) by actually removing yourself from your familiar haunts. Getting stuck would be a bad idea. Now’s the time to make plans to ensure you don’t.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Psychic shields up! Virgos often have problems with boundaries and saying no. It’s because you so love to be helpful–even needed–that when someone asks you to do something for them, you almost invariably agree to it. This difficulty is aggravated the longer and more intimately you know someone–and especially if you’re romantically involved with them. What can you do? Create some more or less strictly defined parameters about what you actually need for yourself to be happy, and what you’re willing to do beyond that. This is a good week to define–arbitrarily, if necessary–and announce these. Don’t expect your spoiled friends and family to simply abide them, though. You may need to enforce them, too, so be prepared to do just that.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’re a very communicative creature; you talk a lot, so you’re quite good at it. And you’re already a better listener than most. But you could still improve. You know that you still filter what you hear, somewhat unconsciously. That’s bullshit you’re better off without, and this is just the week to begin shedding it. It’s like you’re wearing glasses that are making everything blurry and screwed up, only you’ve spent a lot of time assuming that’s just the way the world was, or consoling yourself that at least your lenses weren’t as thick as most people’s. There’s no excuse for not striving for greater clarity if it’s available–and this week, it is.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Are you sick? I hope not. However, I’m compelled to point out that you’re not exactly making much of an effort to avoid becoming ill. It’s better late than never, and better now than later; examine your habits and see if you can figure out three substantial improvements that will make you feel healthier. Even just cutting down on fat, sugar, alcohol, or all three, would help keep you vivaciously alive. If all that’s just too damn hard, the least you can do is change you attitude. Smile more. I’m not joking. It’ll actually help (just a little).
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I spend way too much time counseling you to consider your future and set yourself up right. This week, forget all that shit. It’s back to your natural state: enjoy the moment, without regard for what it means, or will mean. Especially when it comes to screwing; don’t even think about whether your current tryst is a one-night stand, a rebound, or a potential life partner. Just have fun, and lots and lots of sex. You’ll never be this young again, so I advise you to enjoy it. Trust your heart and your body. They rarely steer you wrong (and when they do, it’s almost always a blast).
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your house is a mess. I don’t mean that exactly literally; you Caps are generally fairly spartan, neat folk. What I mean is that it’s not comfortable–you don’t view it as a retreat, a haven; at the moment, it’s just someplace to keep your stuff and catch some sleep every now and then. That isn’t good. The next big stress crunch, you’ll have a nervous breakdown if you’re not careful. It’s alright to work hard, of course, but you’ve got to have some things that make you feel good when you need to escape the grind. Do at least five things that will tangibly make your house feel a little bit more like a home. You can do them now, or after your damn breakdown. It’s your choice.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Keep your hand on your gun–metaphorically, not literally. An “enemy,” of sorts, is likely to get flushed into the open this week by actions you (perhaps inadvertently) set in motion. Don’t worry, this is not some kind of assassin–unless you happen to work for the NSA. Your “enemies” are, after all, more or less harmless. But being aware of their shitty intentions is, nevertheless, a good idea, because they could still screw you over, albeit on a much smaller scale than taking your life or burning down your house. It’s easy to prevent their sabotage–but first you have to catch them at it.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Tear up your bank statement. You worry too much about money; it always seems like there’s not enough of the stuff. Yet–funny thing about this–somehow you manage to survive nevertheless. I’m not telling you to stop balancing your budget and paying attention to these things. I’m just advising you to quit stressing out about it. Nothing you do this week can make the least bit of difference to your overall financial well-being, so why even waste a second fretting? You’ve got other, much more interesting stuff going on. Pay attention to that, not your wallet.
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