Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re not really better than everyone else. You just feel that way, and I’m sure it can look that way to you through your own very subjective perspective. Also, it certainly doesn’t help that you are better (or at least more awake, inspired, and interesting) than most people, as much as anyone can be compared to another. But be aware that your superiority complex–or anything that even smells like one–will get your ass kicked this week. Be humble, my dear, proud Ram. Be sweet and overflowing with humility and self-effacement. It’ll get you so much farther than bragging ever could. And those who believe in you (like me) won’t forget for a second that you are the bomb.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You like to define things. I get it. You like knowing exactly where you stand in any situation, without lots of ambiguity and guesswork. However, for now you’ve got to let that shit go. The current situation can’t be defined, at least not yet; trying will just destroy it. Lower your horns and charge into the unknown. Let this thing be everything and nothing and anything, without even wondering (at least aloud) which. Enjoy it for whatever it is. If you don’t decide ahead of time that it’s not, it might turn out to be exactly what you want and need–and then some.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Your playful obsession with your appearance has faded somewhat; you used to crave a lot more attention than you need now, and do nearly anything to get it. I’m glad you’ve evolved, but would you consider reverting to your old ways anyway, just for this week–for others’ sakes, if not your own? The world around us is degenerating alarmingly rapidly into a horde of label-flaunting, unthinking and unutterably dull clones. I’m sorry to be so cynical, but most people are sheep. They need someone to give them “permission” before they can express their modicum of personality and individuality. Won’t you–just by boldly being your unique self–give it to them?
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Goddamn, I despise cigarette smoke. I’m not sorry I’m so judgmental; when I see someone puffing away all I can think is: “Loser.” When someone whips out the cancer sticks–no matter how hot they are–it’s an instant turn-off. Everyone has their prejudices. I own mine proudly. What’s dangerous is when you’re not even aware of yours, or in denial about them. What kinds of (possibly unfair) judgments are you subjecting people to, Cancer? It’s okay to look at the world through a distorted lens–we all do, anyway. But if you’re going to look at your reality through thick, colored glasses, at least know what your prescription is.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
How strong are you, Leo? I’m not talking about proving you can ring the bell with the sledgehammer at the carnival’s jokey strength test. This isn’t about impressing your lover. The most powerful forces arrayed against you all come from within. This is about overcoming your own efforts at self-sabotage, which at this point have become quite sophisticated and subtle–probably falling under the laziness or lack of discipline categories. You know that if you could just get your shit together consistently, you’d be even brighter and shinier than you are now. What’s stopping you? It’s not your circumstances, despite what you tell yourself. It’s you. When are you going to stop doing that?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Screw that shit about keeping your enemies closer than your friends. It’s a good time to bring your friends in for some catch-up bonding, preferably far away from those who have it out for you. Focus especially on those long-lost friends you haven’t managed to see in years. Track them down. You need those people in your life. Start with Facebook-stalking, Google, hire a detective if you have to. Make time for this. It’s important. Rebuild fallen-down or burnt bridges this week; you’ll be thrilled and amazed at how many lands and spaces and loves they open to you.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You know that thing about your greatest strength being your greatest curse (and vice versa)? This week’s lesson is all about that. What’s your chief talent? Versatility and adaptability. How is that bad? When you’re so used to bending and warping to fit into whatever the situation (or relationship, especially) requires of you that you’re no longer sure who you really are, or what you really want. Isn’t that what’s happened? Get your head straight this week, Libra. And for a little while that means shutting down your incredible personal flexibility, until you’ve figured out what you’re really about again.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Putting on a mask (or other disguise) is a kind of magic. Suddenly you’re able to act out parts of yourself that don’t often get to come out and play. One of the reasons I love Scorpios is your willingness to try on lots of different masks and explore many (often extreme) sides to your personality. A problem occurs, however, when one of the masks becomes too comfortable, and you end up spending more time wearing it than is probably strictly healthy. I know this is part of you, and how you do life, diving deep into the most intense places you can find. But you’re missing out on a lot of other shit while you’re going there. Give it a break this week, Scorpio. Come up for air.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Eagerness is almost always a good thing. But every once in a while restraint has its benefits. For example, if you’re too keen to bite into that fresh slice of pizza before it’s cooled, you won’t get to taste anything except burnt tongue for the next day or two. Wait a minute and the possibilities are endless. This situation’s a bit like that boiling hot mozzarella atop the slice of deliciousness in front of you. Show the tiniest bit of self-control and you’ll be rewarded. Too gung-ho, though, and you’re just going to get burned.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I know it’s your competitiveness that drives you. But there have to be limits. You are amazing, and almost unstoppable–but there’s always going to be someone better. There’ll always be someone smarter, prettier, stronger, richer, more powerful, and so on. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t strive to be better. But run too hard at that brick wall and you may just knock yourself out of the race altogether. This week, give it a rest. There’s one thing, corny as it is, that you’re better at than anyone else: being yourself. Why not try just being the best you you can be, for a week? You can go back to trying to beat everyone else next week.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Sorry, Aquarius. I can’t write you a proper horoscope right now because I want to go lie in a hammock for a while, sip iced tea, and listen to music. You might find that a lot of other people don’t have time to take care of you this week, either, because they’re too busy taking care of their own comforts and needs. Don’t take it too personally, though. Use it as an excuse to grab some much-needed downtime of your own. No one will expect you to be on call while they’re relaxing. And if they do, screw that; they’re just fooling themselves.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’re a drama queen and at the same time you’re not. You’re not dramatic, say, in the way a slighted Cancer or aroused Aries would be. But you do seem to find ways to feel hurt over things no one else would even think about. This, I hope, is not news to you: you’re extremely sensitive! That sensitivity is a strength, mostly, but it can trip you up, especially when you’re dealing with one of the less insightful members of the zodiac (like an over-blunt Leo or a slip-tongued Virgo). Try not to hold it against them when they hurt your feelings—without even knowing it, probably. You’ve got a point, but that doesn’t mean harping on it is a good idea. May I make a suggestion? Let it go, if you can.
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