Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
A vegan Virgo friend finished a round-the-world trip and discovered she was host to several insect larvae, worms coiled beneath her skin, slowly turning into winged insects. To get rid of them, she had to coat the area in pig lard, which would compel the worms to poke their heads out, at which point they could be tugged free. Her revulsion for the parasitic larvae easily outweighed her powerful distaste for pig lard. To get rid of the undesirables living under your skin, you may also have to overcome your own personal tastes and do things you find repulsive.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’re not exactly suffering through a jail sentence, though it may feel like that at times. Luckily, like most prison terms, this situation has an end date, too. Though the date of your release may feel like it’s eons away, have faith that it will come, and that you’re drawing closer to it every day. Also, bear in mind that just like many sentences of imprisonment, this unpleasant situation can be shortened dramatically by exhibiting extremely good behavior. And if it’s really unbearable, consider this: a prison break is always possible. Just be sure you take into account the potential consequences.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
If the zodiac formed a royal court, Leos would of course be the kings and queens, Capricorns the powerful Machiavellian advisors, Aries the royal jesters, and Scorpios would be the most powerful of all: the royal consorts. The most frantic string-pulling of those Capricorn puppet-masters can’t compare to your whispered pillow talk, so there’s no reason to feel threatened or jealous, or compete for the kinds of power others control. You’ve got your own brand of might and influence, and it’s just as effective (or more so) than the kinds wielded by everyone else (and, despite the bit about pillow-talk, it’s not all about sex).
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sagittarians are typically solo adventurers, but I think you’re truly at your best when you hitch your wagon to someone else’s. When your worldview expands to include others, you grow and excel in ways you couldn’t even imagine before. Whatever it is that inspires you to include others in your exploits (common reasons include falling in love or having kids), I’m excited for you. You’d never otherwise know just how incredibly creative and resourceful you can actually be. It may be easier to go it solo, but life’s richer when you’re part of a team.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Who gives a word its meaning, ultimately? Those who write dictionaries, or those who use the words in them? Most likely it’s a kind of mass-scale collaboration, in which both influence the other, back and forth. How a tool is used is just as important as what it was originally intended for. Don’t let anyone else completely define for you what something is, how it’s to be used, or what role it’s supposed to play in your life. You’ve got the power to change every facet of your existence, from words to tools to your relationships with other people. The best part is you won’t just be changing them for yourself–everyone is likely to benefit from your new definitions.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
We’re probably too selfish, in general, to do what has to be done–for our planet, for humanity, and for all the other species we share Earth with. We all know the kind of danger we’re in, but we’re only willing to go so far, in terms of compromising our lifestyles, even when it means the difference between saving and dooming ourselves. You’re just as guilty as most of the rest of us; in this case you know what needs to be done, and exactly how far you personally have to go, in order to be effective at all. This week, please decide: will you go that far? If not, don’t bother going anywhere at all. There’s no point.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
A lot of life is accidental, isn’t it? We navigate through our existences with the best of intentions, but only a fraction of those actually sees fruition. The rest of life is the stuff that happens to us that we can’t predict, or things we do without thinking or meaning to. Obviously, you can’t completely control your life. But I reckon you could exert a tiny bit more influence on which directions it takes. Forty-nine percent of your life may always be made up of things you can’t control or anticipate, but this week, do what you need to do to ensure that 51 percent of it is composed of things you consciously choose.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re not especially known for your wise investments. Usually, you spend money fairly whimsically when you have it, and suffer through the hard times when you’re less flush. It’d be nice if you had a bit more balance in your personal budget, but that might come at the expense of some of the playfulness that makes you who you are. Continuing as you have been is certainly a viable option, but if there’s some reason to change your relationship to money (if someone you love desperately wants you to, for example) this is a good week to do it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You occasionally resist change simply out of habit. Sometimes you dig in your heels so hard that you actually keep things more or less as they are, out of sheer stubbornness. Once in a while, you may regret this. Not all change is bad, despite your usual initial reaction to it. Once in a while, a big change could be an extremely good thing. That’s likely to be the case this week. If change comes, do all you can to embrace it, even though it may fill you with anxiety and frustration at first. Rejecting it would be something you would kick yourself for, later.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Being bombarded with as much information as you typically take in is fine most of the time, but bad for your soul and general morale in the long-term. It’s important to periodically take a media and technology diet. Spare a week (this week, or one of the next three) from your life in which your cell phone stays off, and you shun any technology more advanced than a fridge or a light bulb. Take yourself to a past century, and enjoy only the news you hear from your neighbors. Read. Hang out with people who are actually in the room with you. I predict the first few days of your media diet will be a struggle, but by the end of your week away from the insanity you’ll be vowing to repeat the experience, every year.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Family is important to you, of course, but is your definition of family broad enough? Limiting it to people who are related to you by blood or marriage would severely impoverish your life. Who are the people who’ve been there for you, and will be? They’re your family. Your blood relatives might be assholes, after all. Who are the people you’ll helplessly love forever? Those people are your family, whether or not they share your name or genes. This week, make sure they know it, and this year, remodel your life so it truly reflects it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re making the wrong wishes, Leo. How do I know? It’s because every time one of your desires is fulfilled, you’re still dissatisfied. That’s because many of your dreams and wants have been thrust upon you–by clever advertisements, compelling lovers, or other circumstances. Some of them have even completely eclipsed the things you actually want. It may be a noble and mostly good idea to embrace the things your lover or boss wants for you—but not so completely that you forget your own wishes and fantasies. This week, make sure your heart’s true desires get the same time and attention you give to your adopted goals.
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