Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Let’s dispense with inadequate measures, shall we? I’m talking of the kinds of precautions you’re taking that will ultimately do you no good. These are the equivalent of hiding under a desk holding your head during a nuclear explosion. They’re worse than pointless. Not that you should go dancing out into the radiation storm and wait to be vaporized. But decide, ahead of time what you can actually do to help or protect yourself, realistically. Do that, then relax. Life’s unpredictable. It’s not safe. Be reasonable and wise; beyond that, why not dance? Living it up, post reasonable precautions, is the way to go this week.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I know certain artists and writers who seem to have their tongues in the groove. They have this knack for reaching into the ether and snatching something vital straight from the cosmic unconscious–basically an idea we’ve all been thinking about recently. Then they all work with the idea at the same time, without really being aware that they’re riding the same wave until it crashes up on shore and they let everyone see their work. You’re tapped in now, too. Can you feel it? It’s your turn to play cultural shaman and introduce us to the next phase of the new ideas we’ve been percolating all together. What will it be this month, Gemini? Clue us in.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’re shopping for a stereo system. You already know it’d be really teenage and shortsighted to assume that bigger speakers are better than smaller ones. Sound quality’s determined by design and components, not necessarily their size. Your usage is important, too. For example, some people prefer a clear, crisp sound in a small space while others have to make their warehouse parties boom. Anyway, don’t be too superficial when making selections this week, whether you’re dealing with speakers or people. Be aware that you’re looking for the exceptional–and therefore should ignore broad generalities on principle–and that your needs are quite specific, and can only be met by something or someone just as fine-tuned.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I notice you’ve been smiling a lot lately, Leo. It’s easy when the sun is shining, like you’re a solar cell being charged right up and letting the overflow spill out in generous radiant good cheer. Don’t hold back. Like a solar cell, you’re not all that good at saving this kind of energy for later; it’ll just trickle out unnoticed until virtually nothing’s left. You might as well spend, spend, spend. You’re almost inexhaustible at the moment, so why not? Convert your abundance of personal warmth into karmic good credit. You can’t go wrong with karmic credit–and you can never have too much.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’ve got this week. Next week, astrological forces start gearing up to provide maximum resistance to your efficiency, so getting shit done will not be nearly as easy–especially all that nitpicky must-do crap that you’ve been sort of putting off. Get it out of the way; it’ll be a lot simpler during the next few days than it will be in the next few weeks, when it’ll take three times as long to complete, if you can complete it at all; you may find that some of it is just plain impossible. I know, that makes this week look kind of lame and crappy, overall. All I can say is: better this week be blah than this month.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Don’t buy crap you don’t need. That’s the lesson for you, coming up. Try it if you don’t believe me. You’ll see. Don’t come crying to me when you’re filled with overwhelming regret. Guilt, even. This doesn’t mean you can’t be hedonistic or lavish at all. After all, you’re a Libra. You do need a certain amount of luxury in your life, don’t you? Just keep it to a minimum, especially avoiding impulse purchases, which will pretty much never work out as you hoped. Keep the luxuriousness to a reliable minimum and you’ll have a month of perhaps relatively moderate pleasures–but you’ll enjoy them a lot more because you’re not busy kicking yourself.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Things have been kind of twisted for a while now–so long that you’ve almost forgotten to notice how turned around they are. Everyone knows that advice, no matter how good, simply can’t get you untangled–and we’ve tried, and tried. But how about a good example? How about someone living their life in a way that—while far from perfect and perhaps even as messed up as yours (but in different ways)–inspires or guides you to unravel your own mess? That might actually work. Keep an eye out for that someone this week, and next. They’re likely to appear.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Take charge. It’s fun, and you’re good at it, even though on principle you tend to avoid too conspicuously taking the leadership role. But sometimes people just need to be told what to do, and at those times they’ll pretty much listen to anyone who acts like they knows what they’re doing. Unfortunately, that over-confident loudmouth is often also an idiot, and steers the poor sheep-folk in totally the wrong direction. Since you do know where you’re going and what everyone ought to be getting up to, not taking charge would almost be a criminal insult.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I adore my Capricorn friends. But sometimes I long, desperately, for you to break out of your shells. I see you straining and struggling to shatter your cool, distanced reserve, and usually failing. I wish I could help you. Hopefully this week’s events can charge you with enough energy to smash your inhibitions, at least temporarily–while retaining enough control to keep from doing anything too embarrassing (mortifying memories only serve to strengthen the stranglehold you have on yourself). Let us help. What would help you break free (besides, you know, intoxication)?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I’d forgotten just how enthusiastic you can be; your spark and energy for life rivaled that of those Leos lurking on the opposite side of the zodiac (they’re actually quite like you, in many ways). Why had this slipped my mind? Because, unlike those socially-hungry Lions, you just haven’t been around much. How can someone with such a big personality become such a non-presence? Remedy your absence by reconnecting with those you’d inadvertently distanced yourself from. They won’t hold it against you; charmed by your smile, they’ll let you pick up right where you last left off.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I have tons of compassion for you Pisces, I really do. I imagine it’s hard to live in a world of such complexities. Most of the Fish I know spend a lot of time being just plain bewildered by life. That’s not criticism; I think it’s having fewer filters between you and reality, not more, that generates so much confusion. This is why so many Pisceans adopt artificial filters–and most of them aren’t as benign as rose-colored shades. In fact, your attempts at buffering and softening your world can often generate more gigantic, scarier monsters than you’ve ever had to face before. Be careful, when you’re sipping that cocktail, or knocking back that pill, or nurturing codependence with your partner, that you’re not actually making things worse, in the long run. Perhaps you can keep an eye out for a healthier, more sustainable filter? They exist.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Where are you all? Your fans (or would-be fans) are looking high and low for you–but a lot of them are emerging from the social fray empty-handed. This is when they turn to me and wonder: Where the hell are all the Aries? How do I meet a good Aries? Thus–for your own good as well as ours, since I know how much you enjoy admiration (and despise unsolicited criticism)–I ask you: How does one meet a good Aries? How do we catch your eye? Let us know. I promise, we’ll only use the information to make your lives richer and more interesting.
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