Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Forget explanations, excuses or apologies, even if they’re what’s being requested of you. What the person you’ve slighted really wants is the tiniest piece of your heart. A confession of emotion would be perfect, if it’s genuine. Don’t bother explaining all the mitigating factors, your good intentions, accidental circumstances, and so on. Even if they’re technically accurate, your aim is to make someone feel better (or at least stop being so mad at you), so that shit won’t carry much weight. Try a simple, sincere “I love you,” instead. I bet it will do the trick better than any excuse (no matter how good) ever could.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Some people respond to stress by becoming bitchy, irritable, selfish, and demanding. Ultimately, that’s a forgivable and understandable offense, but automatically switching into crap-on-everyone mode when something shitty happens isn’t really the best scenario. The next time you’re stressed out, don’t dump on everyone around you and then demand they forgive you for it. They would absolve you, and love you regardless, but imagine how much more they’d adore you if you managed to respond to misery-inducing situations with serenity, and asked for their help without rudeness or self-indulgent whining.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Don’t let your generosity get the best of you. By that I don’t mean look out for yourself, but, ironically, look out for others. Sometimes they don’t want or need your help, and what they especially don’t need is to feel guilty for not accepting it once you’ve offered it. No one questions that your heart’s in the right place in suggesting you could help out. However, try not to take it personally when someone can’t or won’t accept your aid. They have their own reasons for refusing, and chances are, those have nothing to do with you. The next time you offer help, make sure you snip any attached strings first.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week you might discover a big heavy safe, like the kind found in a bank or a crime kingpin’s secret back room, in the middle of your hallway. Not only is the immovable thing practically taunting you with its inconvenient location, but also with the possibility of immense riches being held within. Of course, I’m talking figuratively rather than literally. The “safe” is probably a person who is simultaneously an obstacle, a mystery, and a possible source of hidden treasure. Luckily this week is also quite likely to present you with a key, so even if you can’t move the thing, at least you can find out what’s inside it. Keep your eyes peeled.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Proving someone stole a car, or even a credit card, is way easier than demonstrating they ripped off an idea. They can always say: “Hey, I just thought of the same thing at the same time!” Sometimes that’s even the case. I also don’t think over-the-top paranoid protection of our ideas is the way to go, especially in this day and edge when a lot of cool art and music is being made by recycling and reinventing other people’s creations. However, since getting credit for your brilliance (and other people’s, when they copy you) is important to you right now, all I can suggest is making sure you document it in some way. Then, when someone tries to pass off your work as their own, you can nail them to the wall.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I’m always astonished when I meet people who appear to utterly lack noble aspirations. I’m not suggesting that we should all necessarily dream of “saving the world” (although it’d be nice if we did), but I’m depressed when someone can’t even imagine themselves outside of the impossibly tiny, dull, limited bubble they call reality, and doesn’t hope for anything better for themselves than a decent-sized TV and clothes that don’t make their ass look big. I know you’re not guilty of not having big dreams, Libra. Lately, however, you may have your let your pettiest aspirations eclipse your more noble ones. Remedy that this week, won’t you?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The worst mistake you could commit is expecting reason, logic, and calm to prevail in someone who has rarely displayed these qualities before. Not that you should go into the situation with your dukes up, ready for a smackdown (that would surely invite disaster). Give them a chance to act like a mature human being, but should they fall short of that admirable goal, don’t freak out. One of you needs to remain mature, and that means you. Wield your infamous tough love, and gracefully fix this, without taking any shit. You’ve got the power to make this all okay–for everyone, not just yourself. Please use it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Hunters and environmentalists often come from quite different socio-political brackets and can tend to disagree on many, many issues. However, when it comes to conserving parklands and wilderness, they’re suddenly on the same page, if for different reasons. Most of those people are willing to gratefully accept help from wherever they can get it, and you should be, too, this week. Within reason, accept aid from whoever proffers it, whatever their motives. You’ll probably be surprised who steps up to help you out, and who doesn’t, and why. Worry about the specifics later. For now, get done what needs to get done, and sort out the whys and hows when the dust settles.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
What tricks do you have up your sleeve, you wily magician? This week it’s time to explain the mechanics of some of your best metaphorical slight-of-hand masterpieces. This won’t put you out of a job or make people lose respect for you. Quite the contrary, actually; you’ll be more in demand than ever, because so little of what you do relies on illusion; most of it’s wrought through hard work and skill, which are hard to reproduce. Once people realize there are almost no gimmicks contributing to your coolness, they’ll be awed, as they ought to be. You want that, don’t you?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’re not as unlucky in love as you think. Sure, you’ve had some shitty times and made some bad decisions. But you’re being just a little too hard on yourself. A few bad runs and you’re ready to throw in the towel. Do you think every good baseball player scored a home run on his first game, or a painter managed a masterpiece the first time they picked up a brush? Sure, some people get it on the first try, but most successful people worked at whatever they’re successful at, and did it a lot before they managed to succeed. Don’t give up after five, 10 or a hundred failed relationships. They’re all just practice for the one that’ll work. Learn from each, and hope for the best every time. One day, you’ll get it.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I’ve fielded many complaints about you Fish over the years. That’s not unusual; everyone complains about everyone, and no one’s perfect. What’s interesting, however, is that although the details differ, virtually all the complaints about Pisceans boil down to just one thing: failure to match your great (and often inspired) intentions to a concrete and comprehensive follow-through. In other words, you say you’ll do one thing everyone would be thrilled for you to do, and then you do another (or, frequently, do nothing). This week, make your deeds match your words, not because of the complaints, but because it’s quite simply a good thing to do, once in a while, and especially this week.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
For crying out loud, don’t bite anyone in the ass for doing you a favor. If someone goes above and beyond the call of duty, accept it at that and be grateful for it, even if it’s not exactly what you might have wished, or done as you would have. I just watched a Ram bitch out someone for mistakes they wouldn’t have made if they weren’t doing something especially generous and nice in the first place. Don’t make people regret sticking their necks out. You should be encouraging generosity, not criticizing it–especially this week, when that generosity will directly benefit you.
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