Aries (March 21-April 19)

I often think of Rams as charmed, practically unstoppable people. You don’t necessarily have easy existences, since some people don’t share my wholehearted appreciation of you. Those people don’t matter, though, because they can’t really hold you back. In fact, the only thing that can decisively trip you up is your own hypocrisy, should you fall prey to it. Try the “do as I say, not as I do” philosophy, and you’ll be screwed and helpless until you fix it. Keep your actions and words perfectly consistent with one another, however, and there’s virtually nothing you can’t accomplish.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

A humble microorganism called toxoplasma gondii (which we catch from cats) may be changing our entire race. It messes with our moods (making women friendlier and men more paranoid and neurotic (bad news for lonely cat ladies)). Would-be mothers infected with the parasite are also twice as likely to give birth to boys than they would be otherwise. If you’re tired of Bullishly banging your head against a wall in order to create change, maybe you should take your inspiration from this microscopic animal, and slip between the cracks of the wall, instead of trying to knock it down. Most people won’t even notice, then, when you totally rearrange their world.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I have high hopes for you, Gemini. I’m not talking about how you’re going to save the world (though feel free to do that, too, if you have the time and can figure out how). My expectations have more to do with how you’re going to rock post-April Fool’s Day pranks. It’s easy to get away with some mischief on April 1. A more worthy challenge is treating all of April as your mischief month. You’ve pulled off some seriously good pranks in past years, but this year I’m hoping you’ll outdo yourself, if you can. You’ve a couple friends who could really use serious distractions from some of the other shit going down in their lives. One of your carefully planned silly stunts would be just the thing.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You can push the gas pedal to the floor all you want, but you’re not going to go very fast unless you also shift gears. You’ll just wear out your engine trying to hit the highway while stuck in second gear. You’re not renowned for flexibility, but this is a week where you’ll need to dig deep and find some. You’ll have plenty of fuel in your tank; it’s just a matter of making the mental shift required for you to make good use of it. How can you do that? It’s simple. The first step is taking your foot off the brakes. After that it’s all about not crashing into anything–which will be far easier than you imagined.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I don’t know if I’ve become more like my dog or if he gets it from me, but neither of us is particularly socially needy (or perhaps we fulfill most of each other’s social needs). He’s perfectly happy when someone decides to come over and pet him; he’ll roll obligingly onto his back in hopes of a good belly rub. But he’s not especially inclined to go asking for it. I mention it because this week is a good one to address any lingering vestiges of emotional neediness you might still have, and come at least a little closer to a place of being happy with whatever attention is already coming your way.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

What you’re doing is aiming at too many birds in too many different trees. For someone who likes to accomplish a lot, you’re not being especially efficient about it. You spend half your time commuting between your different “hunting grounds,” when you could choose just a few where you’d be more likely to hit several fowl per thrown stone. This is a good week to fix that, if you want. You’ll be amazed at how much of a difference you can make by dropping one or two activities (in favor of a couple better-suited ones) and subtly rearranging your schedule. Try it for a week; if you’re not bringing down twice as many metaphorical birds with the same number of stones, I’ll be greatly surprised.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libra is the sign of partnership, so I would imagine your thoughts and actions this week might in some way pertain to that topic. You haven’t been especially good at partnership in the past; it’s always a balancing act between any two people, but you have to admit many of your relationships have been rife with inequity of one sort or another. You may never be your partner’s best friend as well as their lover, but this week, if you’re open-minded and creative, you might move a few steps closer to true equality.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I love to drink a cup of really good coffee or high-quality wine, but that doesn’t mean I’m a total snob about it; if all that’s available is a mediocre cup of joe or some cheap merlot, I make do. You have your own well-developed preferences regarding certain things (Lovers? Chocolate? Cars?) but you shouldn’t get carried away, since that would just limit you, needlessly. Sometimes the stuff you especially like simply isn’t obtainable, like this week. That’s when it’s in your best interest to do your best to enjoy whatever you can get, rather than going entirely without.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I’d never put it past a Cancer or an Aries to publicly scold someone whose actions they disapprove of, but that’s not usually your style. You avoid embarrassing people in that way; instead, you tend to deliver your corrections privately, making good use of your ability to talk companionably to virtually anyone in a way they can hear. However, sometimes a public spanking is the only way someone will actually change his errant ways, and sometimes, like this week, it may fall on you to deliver that embarrassing verbal ass-kicking. Don’t hold back. It’s for their own good, and yours.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Someone in Chongqing, China, reminds me of you. A developer refused to meet the price they asked for their house, so they refused to sell it, forcing the developer to take drastic measures, digging around the property, until their home was perched on a tiny island with a thirty-foot drop on all sides. Just like those brave (or greedy, depending on who you ask) people, you’ve stuck to your guns; you’re also similarly isolated as a result. They might stubbornly live in those ridiculous and stressful circumstances until the end of the world, but doing something like that would ultimately make you miserable. You can’t win every battle, and the price of this one is too high, anyway. It’s time for a little flexibility on your part, I think.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It might feel tricky adjusting to a new paradigm or a different way of doing things, but someone as brilliant as you shouldn’t have this much trouble re-calibrating your mental habits. This is something like switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius. You might not, at first, know if 30 degrees is hot or cold weather, but given a little time to adjust, you’ll figure it out (that’s shorts and t-shirt weather, so leave your jacket at home). All that’s required is a little more information and an open-mind. You can get the information. Can you also provide the open mind?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You Fish are in my bad books. I sent sweet happy birthday emails to five of my favorite Fish last month, and not a single one bothered to even send a “hey, thanks,” response. I know I was probably the victim of good intentions they failed to follow through on, but it still sucks. Be careful and honest with yourself. My friends may have meant to write me the juicy, rich emails I deserve, but they should have realized they might not get to it, and at least sent cursory, two-minute messages in the meantime. How are your ambitions outstripping your actions? Aim for the moon all you like, but before you do, make sure you send a shot towards something that’s much easier to hit, first.

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