Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Welcome to the headlines, Capricorn. All of a sudden, your deeds are written in the biggest boldest font on everyone’s personal news page, and your greatest moments are being written up in your crowd’s annals of heroism or infamy. Since you’re astrologically scheduled for this kind of attention in the next couple weeks, if I were you I’d make sure my greatest acts were worthy of the front page, so I wasn’t too embarrassed when they put them there regardless. Go help an old lady cross the street or something so we don’t have to read anything lame, like, “Stingy Capricorn Lives Off Ramen Noodles for Three Weeks!”
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
If you found maggots in your pudding, a fingernail in your salad, or cockroaches in the spaghetti sauce, it might very well kill your taste for those things forever, or at least a very long time. So I can understand why you’d be turned off to romance, after the distasteful things you’ve had to bite into and swallow. But please remember to not get too stuck on your past. Pudding, salad, or sauce made by a new cook is much less likely to be infested with unwanted ingredients. Don’t let your new connection be plagued by the same impurities as the one you just flushed. Cleanse your emotional palette and chow down.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
This is a good week to stand at the picket fence and gossip with your neighbor, Madge, about whose kids are the milkman’s. Or it would be, if you lived in another century. Some of your recent actions are hopelessly anachronistic, and while that’s endearing on some level, it’s not going to get you results, unless you find someone else who’s stuck in exactly the same decade as you. It’s hard for someone who loves old things, familiar faces and places, and the tried and true, to embrace the new. But unless you upgrade your outlook to cutting edge, your antiquated attitudes will put you right out of business.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Sure, you found a ladder all the way to the top. Too bad it’s made of breadsticks that would never support your weight. Still, I wouldn’t wait around to see if they get stronger as they get staler. What you have here is an amazing opportunity to see how to get where you want to go, even if this exact method won’t take you there. That’s all that’s been holding you back—knowledge, not a failure of strength, talent, or determination. Once you’ve figured out your route, you’ll be able to build your own, stronger ladder straight to the next level up, and climb it, unhindered, in no time.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
If it weren’t for the weather, this would be a great week to stroll naked in the streets. There’s just no shame in your game, these days, and it shows. This is a good thing. We’ve made some of the other bad signs stay after school, wash the chalkboards, and clap the erasers of your past. In other words, thanks to their diligence and your own creditability, you’ve got more or less a clean slate, at least in all the rooms you use most frequently. There might be a dark secret or two written in chalk on the walls of some basement storage closet but let’s not worry about that now. You’ve got some important lessons to teach (and learn), and now you have the space and time to do so.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Don’t make things personal, or political. You’re in such a difficult, murky gray area. I don’t envy you the lose-lose situation you may find yourself in this week, since someone whose goodwill you desire will probably end up feeling betrayed. Sucks, but just remember this: When you’re asked to make judgment calls between your two best friends, your mom and dad, or your boss and coworker, your only real ally is the objective truth. If you play favorites, everyone will see through you, resent you, and lose respect for you. On the other hand, if you make the right call, the one in the wrong may hate you now, but forgive you soon.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
My dad sent me a huge tin of butter cookies for Christmas, which have proceeded to haunt and tempt me for the past month. You’re facing a similar lure; you know what’s in front of you is no good for you, in the long or short-term, yet it’s so delicious, and so available, it’s almost impossible to say no. Believe me, I know. I’ve eaten half the tin by myself, and butter cookies are crap compared to what’s being presented to you on a silver platter. My only advice—do the equivalent of stuffing yourself so full of broccoli that you couldn’t eat another bite, not even of delicious, buttery cookie.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re either useless or invaluable this week. There’s no middle ground for you proud Lions. So the trick is finding the niches where people will regard you as supremely indispensable, and avoiding the ones where you’ll just get in the way. This is simple, given your breadth of self-knowledge—as long as you don’t let your pride delude you. You have a tremendous repertoire of skills you can do adequately, but an average performance won’t cut it right now; it will, in fact get you in trouble. However, there are quite a few things you know you rock at—stay busy with those and you can’t go wrong.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Spice things up a little bit. We’re not talking the old standbys of salt, pepper, and Tabasco. Dip into slightly more exotic flavors, like cumin, paprika, or saffron. In other words, branch out. Don’t just make your same old familiar flavors mouth-scorchingly hot. Try some new ones. This is not something I usually need to encourage you to do, but since you’re feeling irrationally cautious without good reason, I thought I’d give you a friendly encouraging slap on the ass. When you stop growing, changing, and being willing to experience new things, that’s a kind of death. You’re nowhere near in danger of that, but your reticence does make you seem a bit…old. Prove me wrong: Open your mouth and say “Ah…”
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are the Spam Conqueror, the Missing Sock Finder, the Bad Breath Blaster. You are our hero, the everyschmo’s mutant, who can actually do something about our day-to-day miseries. Take that, X-men! There are those who may be far richer, more powerful, more beautiful, or supernaturally gifted. But can they keep our inboxes free of unwanted solicitations, discover the hideouts of our absent footwear, or eradicate the halitosis of our otherwise perfect dates? No! Don’t berate yourself for not having ten-inch adamantium claws, or being unable to control the weather. Your abilities are far more valuable to those around you.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your feet might as well be bolted to the floor when you make up your mind. A tsunami couldn’t move you without obliterating your whole damn house. Unfortunately a tidal wave of the magnitude coming your way has the power to uproot the building, and you with it. So, even if you don’t change your mind, you might want to play the “choose your battles” card and duck out of this fight. There’ll be plenty more skirmishes with the universe this year, and most of them you can actually win—but not if you get taken out in the first round.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are an ouroboros, a snake eating its own tail. That is, you’ve been devouring yourself slowly, just to keep going. But that self-destructive, if fascinating, behavior, is about to change, because new prey will soon present itself. Don’t go getting all predatory and mean, though; this new source of nourishment isn’t something you need to stalk and consume whole. S/he’s more like a fruit tree, giving you constantly replenishing pieces of himself or herself, without harm (karmic or otherwise) coming to either of you. It’s such a win-win (s/he wants to give you “fruit” just as much as you want to eat it), I’m quite envious.