This is for the tiny lady with the giant dog: I’m sure it makes you feel safe to run down the beach with that behemoth, but the rest of us have serious doubts about your ability to control him. It’s a simple matter of physics: if an animal that weighs twice as much as you do decides he wants to go tearing off, he will, and you’ll be at best a little screaming, bouncing jumble of arms and legs behind him, like those cans people tie to the backs of their cars after they get married. I have twice seen your dog lunge aggressively at people and other dogs, and have seen you helplessly trying to hold him back. Either get a big buggah boyfriend who can anchor that beast or trade it in for a smaller model.
If you want to teach your birds to say those words, that’s your prerogative. Seems like a strange waste of time to me, but live and let live, right? Just please, don’t leave them next to an open window by the yard where my son and daughter play. They’re beautiful animals and my kids naturally go over to look at them. As a result, I have now had to talk to my four-year-old about two different phrases I’d hoped he wouldn’t learn for at least a few more years. And certainly not from some foul-mouthed parrot! I have talked to you on two occasions and you’ve refused to apologize or do anything about it. Really, whatever happened to “Polly want a cracker”?
Eh crazy cat lady…you love cats so much, how ’bout you volunteer at a shelter instead of dumping out bags of food? Maybe you didn’t hear, but those things are no different from rats—filthy, disease-ridden pests. And now they’re running all ova, crapping in my wife’s flower bed, hiding under my porch, yowling and humping outside my window. You may think you’re helping but all you’re doing is pissing off your neighbors and adding to one of our island’s biggest problems. I don’t want to shoot cats in my spare time, believe me, but if you keep this up you leave me no choice.
This goes out to the “tropical fish expert” who sold me on a $1,500 aquarium system and five fish that died within three days because the thing was a leaky, malfunctioning mess. Yeah, I know, buyer beware, but what about pono? This stuff goes around, brah. I’ve seen you on Craigslist peddling more crap, trying to lure in more unsuspecting victims. The time will come, fish man, when the whole island will know you stink!
Silly me—when you told me you were going to “groom” my dog I assumed you meant wash it and trim its fur, not give it a shave job that looks like it was done by a drunk, blindfolded monkey. Your business card did say “experienced.” I guess you meant experienced at ripping people off. Too bad I sent my girlfriend to pick up the dog, then of course you didn’t return any of my dozen angry phone calls. I hear you’ve gone back to the Mainland. Good riddance. Hope a rabid Rottweiler bites you on the ass.
You: big, strapping local boy. Me: middle-aged haole lady. Your dog: an un-neutered pit (what else?) off his leash. My dog: a meek, submissive eight-year-old Lab mix. The scene: a popular dog park. The unprovoked attack that you called a “fight”: completely one-sided, and left my dog with multiple injuries that required two vet visits and still haven’t fully healed. I don’t expect dudes to give up their macho dogs. Like their trucks and tats, it’s part of their identity. I understand. I have a son myself. But you are endangering others when you don’t pay attention and contain your animal. It’s no different than swinging around a loaded gun: when it goes off and hits someone, you have to take responsibility. Like they say, blame the deed not the breed.
Eh Brah! I know there are probably a lot of stray cats that go on your property and annoy you. I get that, I really do. But will you quit being a dick and trapping my cat? The first time I had to drive my ass to the animal shelter at eight in the morning was annoying. The second time two weeks later is just ridiculous. Especially considering he has a collar with my phone number and address, and you’re actually luring him over by putting food in your trap. Dude, I live across the freakin’ street! Is it really necessary to call animal control and send him away again? You’ve even seen me playing with him in my yard! How about I put candy outside my house and when your kids come over to get it I lock them in a box and take them to child protective services? Oh wait, that would be kidnapping. Good thing in your case it’s just a cat and you can keep getting away with being a spineless jackass.