Each week, we’re inundated with Eh Brah! submissions—far more than we can print. They run the gamut from silly to serious to full-on psycho. Once in a while, we even get a positive one.
As we do every year, we’re going to highlight a handful of anonymous rants we’ve received over the past 12 months that have never appeared in the paper (augmented, as ever, by the original artistic stylings of Ron Pitts). They all center on one theme: booze, and the trouble folks get into when they imbibe the stuff.
If you partake in Maui’s nightlife, chances are you’ve had similar experiences; hell, one (or more) of these might be about you.
Take them as cautionary tales, take them as humor, take them with a lime wedge and a shot of Don Julio—just remember to take a couple aspirin in the morning.
This goes out to the “gentleman” (by which I mean complete and total douche bag) who thought it would be cute to snap my bra strap at a certain Kihei bar. I know you only did it to impress your crew, but the joke was on you when I got in your face and exposed you for the pussy you are. You’re lucky I was in a good mood and didn’t break your nose. Next time don’t pick on the big girls, little man.
I know: booze makes people do stupid stuff. When you go out drinking you assume some risks, like getting a drink spilled on you. But if your drink is the color of liquid neon and my date is wearing a white dress it would be a nice idea to at least say sorry and go grab a rag from the bar or something instead of grinning like an idiot and stumbling off. Hope your hangover was a real bitch.
To a certain bartender who ignores me every time I come to “his” place: grow up! I slept with her…let it go! It was two years ago and you weren’t with her then. Jealousy doesn’t look good on anyone. Besides, it’s your job to serve me and anyone else that comes in and orders a drink. You’re just lucky I don’t tell your manager and get your ass fired. You know why I don’t? Because I’m a nice guy. You should try it.
So you thought you could bump my car in the parking lot by the Lahaina Lulu’s and slip away huh? Not so on this tiny island, brah. I saw you then, I’ll see you again. I may have been tipsy but my eyes were clear. I don’t care ’bout the dent, I got lots of those. I care about what’s pono and that’s owning up to your actions. You coulda made it all good with a handshake and an apology. Too bad you took the cowards’ way out…now karma is gonna bite you.
This is for the Euro trash group that ordered over $150 worth of drinks and pupus, broke two glasses, disturbed the other customers to the point where they complained and then left…a $5 tip! I almost ripped it up on principle. (Almost.) I know you guys don’t tip over there the same as we do, but guess what? You’re here now and you play by our rules. Twenty percent would have been a minimum after what you made me put up with. I hope to God you don’t come in again because I will not be able to hold myself back and I need to keep this job.
I’m sure you thought it was no big deal (if you were thinking at all, which is doubtful) to leave your broken bottles on the beach. It’s late night after all, who’s going to see or care? I’m also sure it sounded like a fun idea to go do a nightcap on the sand after a night of stumbling through the bars, but that glass won’t clean itself up. Lucky for you there’s others who care enough about the ‘aina to atone for your drunken mistakes. I wish you were tourists so I could blame it on that but I’ve seen at least two of you around. Next time I might call the cops so we can clean up two messes at once and toss you in with the rest of the rubbish.
To the cop at the sober check point: when I tell you I no drink that means I no drink. No need be a a-hole about it and keep me tied up while you ask stupid questions. Meantime, all the real drunks drive by while you shine your flashlight on tha innocent. Serve and protect? Ya right. MTW