It’s that time again! You know, where we run a bunch of Eh Brahs that complain about bad drivers and stuff. We collect them all year and then pile them into one big story, augmented by some more great Ron Pitts illustrations, for you to leisurely read while having some coffee, a nice cold beer or while waiting in traffic on the way to Lahaina. Just kidding (about the Lahaina thing)! Respect the road, respect your fellow driver and for the love of God, don’t throw things out of sunroofs unless it’s underwear or coupons for free food. C’mon!
You are no brah, braddah, or sistah. You are a fool whose good karma-meter’s on empty and gas ain’t cheap. How dare you blow through a stop sign, send me flying off my moped, and then leave me for dead in the North Kihei darkness? I don’t care how illegal your car was or how drunk or iced out you were. Have you no soul? Your negligence left me in a bloody, hysterical, semiconscious state that will haunt my loved and me ones for years to come. I hardly remember your car, let alone your guilty face. You were lucky that night, but not for long. One year, two neck braces, three months of disability and rehab, and a foot-long road rash scar later I am alive and stronger than you will ever be. I think if I ever met you face-to-face I would forgive you because I feel sorry that you have to live with yourself and that puny, shriveled organ you call a heart.
To the woman in the silver Scion cussing out a group of tourists in the Ka`ahumanu parking lot. I heard your foul-mouthed verbal tirade aimed at a group of visitors and the image of your angry face has not left my mind since. Did they hit your car? Did they run over your dog? They seemed pretty calm, even when you continued to rant at them. So, here is my message to you “local” woman: Why are you carrying so much hate? You made a spectacle of yourself, and for what? You were yelling that all “local” people hate the tourists and what they bring. Yet, you are surely enjoying the benefits of the visitors and what they do for our economy. Without them, we would all be traveling by canoe and wouldn’t have the opportunity to drive brand new Scions. Think about that.
To the idiots in the white Geo Metro hatchback: You should be relieved because you were just a few seconds away from committing vehicular assault/manslaughter when you decided to circumvent a Maui Bus stopped at a bus stop by going alongside the bus on the side where passengers depart from the bus. Lucky for you the senior citizen getting off was slow, because had he stepped off a second or two earlier, you could’ve faced scores of possible charges, maybe even leaving the scene of an accident. For your sake, I suggest you immediately surrender your license and Geo to the DMV, and ride a bike. Otherwise, I hope your insurance and tags are bad and the cops arrest you.
This is dedicated to the lady driving a teal colored Toyota or Nissan Sentra on Honoapi’ilani. Thanks for your complete disregard for others. It wasn’t bad enough that you nearly ran the SUV ahead of you off the road; you had the gall to look at us and smile. WTF? Are you serious? Where did you learn to drive? What the hell was going on in your thick noggin that made you think what you did is acceptable? People lose their lives because of such STUPIDITY! There’s no lane in the middle of the road, squid brain! Don’t drive if you don’t plan to share the road.
This is to the person who ran the stop sign in front of her work causing me to swerve to avoid hitting her. After my truck spun out, the truck’s leaf springs snapped and I took out a stop sign damaging the whole side of my truck. After the accident you told me you were so, so sorry, but you were late for work. Then when MPD showed up, you lied to them saying you never ran the stop sign. Having only liability insurance, my truck is not covered and you refuse to answer calls from my insurance company. Also, you told the arriving police officer that your boyfriend is a retired MPD, meaning you had to hide behind the police instead of being an honest citizen and paying for your mistake. This truck was my only means of transportation for my self-employed business. Without it I can’t support my wife and 10 year old son.
To all of the idiots out there who think they need to block traffic in the streets and parking lots in order to get the “ideal” parking spot: How stupid and lazy are you? I can’t believe you think that it’s your right to cause traffic backups because you can’t walk a few extra steps or keep moving your sorry lazy ass until you find a spot. Once, the entire Costco parking lot was in solid gridlock with cars backed up sometimes 10 and 15 deep because of people waiting for spots. Not to mention the pressure you are putting on the person unloading their groceries. Get a life people and get the heck out of the way of people who have a clue.
This goes to the four young boys who cut me off getting onto Honoapi’ilani Hwy. What the hell is up with the beach ball that you held out of your sunroof? You let it fly onto the road, and right into my path. Not only that, but it bounced perfectly between a space in the guardrail and onto the beach. So now you are littering. Then you proceeded to tailgate the car in front of you all the way to the Kihei exit. I wanted to get your license plate number, so I could report you, but I didn’t want to get anywhere near you! I truly hope that the next time you are making a choice to put other people’s lives in danger you have the wisdom and conscience to respect others and the aina.
This one goes out to the criminals that were dumb enough to break into my friend’s Ford Ranger. Really, registration papers and safety? What are you gonna do with them? The good news is you were caught on a closed circuit TV system, and the MPD got your prints and even a nice little photo of you. By the way, MPD, DMV and all the Safety Inspection Stations have been alerted to keep an eye out for the missing registration papers that I’m hoping you’ll be dumb enough to use. On that note, see you in court real soon!
I’d like to thank the two intelligent guys for all the drama in Paia. We asked you nicely to turn off your headlights while you were parked so they wouldn’t be in our eyes and you found it necessary to yell and call me a dumb haole. Then you continued to rant and rave as we sat and minded our own business. The best part was that you found it necessary to come back and smash my window, fender and windshield. No worries, I thank you for your lesson in pono. I really didn’t understand it until you showed me first hand. Thank you again for your take on pono, but you may be slightly mistaken in your interpretation.
This is to the guy who chose to use the “left turn” lane at Waipuilani to pass because he couldn’t wait for the truck in front of him to turn. If I weren’t aware of your stupidity, you would have hit me. I’m a strong guy. I probably would have come out alive. I can’t say the same for your 90-year-old mother in the passenger seat. She probably would have died. Was it worth saving two seconds? She saw that I was upset but didn’t say anything to you. I’m pretty sure she already knows you’re an idiot.
Hey, here’s a question for you in the champagne colored Jaguar: how closely are you supposed to follow the vehicle in front of you? Rhetorical question, since you obviously don’t know the answer. So here it is: one car length for every 10 mph you are traveling. That means that all you jerks driving 70mph should have room for 7 cars between you and the next car. Seven! Oh, and DOUBLE that distance if it’s raining. The crazy, weaving, ass-riding Jag gave me all of one car length at most. Had I tapped on my brakes, you would been eating my tailgate. Had you gotten around me this morning, you would have been stuck in line in front of me, with me riding your ass. The difference is, I drive a shitty truck, and so I wouldn’t mind some shit-colored paint on my front bumper.
I’d just like to say “Wow!” to the driver in the white Nissan truck that was tailing us half way through Makawao Avenue. You are so smart! I mean after all, passing us on Makawao Avenue at 30mph and getting one car ahead to still be three cars behind sure makes an impact on how fast you’d be getting to your destination. It was nice seeing you at the stop sign that was only about 20 yards up. May I make a suggestion next time? Just go through the stop sign without stopping so that way it’d be even faster, right? I mean, it doesn’t matter about the safety of the other vehicles that might be coming through; after all you obviously didn’t care when you passed us on that busy two-lane avenue. Oncoming cars and strolling pedestrians really don’t make a difference anyway when you need to get to where you’re going.
Here’s to the rocket scientists driving a mega-lifted black truck heading upcountry thinking it would be fun to swerve onto the shoulder and throw shit at the haole on his moped! At first, I was angry. I mean, who wants to be hit with anything, much less a full soda can? Iwas so pissed, Icalled a friend to vent. Strangely, she suggested that perhaps my presence on the highway that night allowed the individual who hit me to release their own anger, thus saving their kids/wife/girlfriend from being hit when the driver got home? While Idon’t personally think of the world in such “spiritual” terms, it did help to think that as an adult man, I could “take”your abuse more than other less able individuals in your life. Regardless, when a recently transplanted “haole” has more aloha in his heart than you…well, then you just suck, period. I pray that you don’t have a wife, kids, or girlfriend…for their sake. MTW