BEST MAI TAI
Mama’s Fish House
Mama’s serves the best Mai Tai in town. And they should, since they’ve been doing it for 31 years. Still true to owners Doris and Floyd’s concept of the Old Hawaii jet set, Mama’s has the kind of lounging lush atmosphere that could make even a cup of vinegar taste like vacation. Behind the smiling Polynesian tiki glass and the floating orchid, these Mai Tai’s are just as lethal as they are sweet. The original Trader Vic’s rum and the “magic of the bartenders” makes for one hell of a hangover. Two of these? You’ll be curling up in the corner, fetal position, happily cooing “Ma-ma, Ma-ma…” 799 Poho Place, Paia, 579-8488. [EG]
BEST BREAKFAST
Lahaina Coolers
They have great benedict specials, French toast and they do that whole Huevos Rancheros-in-a-skillet thing that’s so cool. 180 Dickenson, Suite 107, Lahaina, 661-7082. [SC]
BEST BURRITO
Las Piñatas of Maui’s “Kitchen Sink”
This is the mother burrito of all burritos. We’re talking, serious gut buster here. Just look at the name—what do you suppose isn’t in this burrito? The great thing about Piñatas is that their food always tastes fresh and comes in the kind of portions that makes you wish you had another stomach to finish it all off. 395 Dairy Rd. Unit J, Kahului, 877-8707. [SC]
BEST SUSHI
Hakone
Apparently, Hakone is Maui’s most exclusive, upscale sushi secret. And this is a precarious situation to be in—do you let everyone in on something fabulous, or do you just keep it to yourself? I don’t know but I’ve got a big mouth so here goes. Plus, sit at the sushi bar with masters Tom and Ivan and they’ll do the special rolls that you can’t get if you sit at an ordinary ol’ table! Maui Prince Hotel, 5400 Makena Alanui, Makena, 874-1111. [SC]
BEST MAHI
Paia Fish Market
Yes, this place always seems to win. But that’s because they’re always great. They’ve got lots of fish and salads and sandwiches on the menu—their cheeseburger made from local beef is supposed to be especially tasty—but every time I go there they don’t seem to be serving anything other than the Mahi Sandwich. Come to think of it, every time I go there I order the Mahi Sandwich. And what’s wrong with that, Hitler? That Mahi is damn good! It’s everything Mahi should be—fresh, tender and delicious. All Mahi should be that good. Then again, if it was, there would be no reason to go to Paia Fish Market. And that would be sad. 100 Hana Highway, Paia, 579-8030. [AP]
BEST FARMERS’ MARKET
Maui Swap Meet
This whole country would be much healthier if everyone bought their food at farmers’ markets. It’s so much fun to search through papayas and mangos, and it’s cheaper than the supermarket or health food store. It’s also a good way to mix with the neighbors. At the Swap Meet, I met a cute Filipino woman who sells great green papayas for my Som Tam, delicious squash and even chayote, my favorite tropical vegetable. Local farmers sell many types of Choys—the Asian green leafy vegetable used in stir-fries—long beans, avocados and limes. This is the place to go to get the best prices on the exotic or the mundane fruits and veggies. Saturdays, 7 a.m. to noon, on Puunene Ave. in Kahului, 877-3100. [JG]
BEST
JAPANESE FOOD
Ichiban
This place is a staple in our local cuisine. Ichiban has been feeding our families its sumptuous sukiyaki, famous oxtail soup and incredible tempura for many, many years. But I’ll bet you didn’t know they serve breakfast or that you can go there for lunch. Their meals come with miso soup and namasu salad, and they have so many specials it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been—there is probably something that you haven’t tried yet. Oh, and the green tea ice cream is the bomb. 47 Ka’ahumanu Ave., Kahului, 871-6977. [JR]
BEST MARGARITA
Milagros
You don’t have to be a Mexican restaurant to make the best margarita. But you might have to be a “South American restaurant with a Latin flair.” Yeah, I don’t know what that means, either. More importantly, Milagros features an extensive selection of quality tequilas—and say what you will, the perfect margarita really depends on the tequila you use. Forget the sweet and sour mix—try a Don Julio Reposado with Cointreau and fresh lime, or a Herradura Añejo with Gran Marnier, a Sauza Hornitos and… the list goes on, really. But rethink the way you’ve been drinking your “blended with no salt” ‘rita and start taking it seriously! Milagros does. 3 Baldwin Ave., Paia, 579-8755. [SC]
BEST MOM & POP COFFEE PLACE
Anthony’s Coffee Company Inc.
It’s not only a great place to get coffee but also an excellent people-watching, flirting and gossip-mucking joint—as all great mom & pop coffee places should be! Anthony’s is a bit cozy (read: cramped), so you’re more likely to get your socializing on while you’re waiting in line, but they do have fabulously fluffy pastries to go with your fresh brew and eye candy! 90 Hana Hwy. Unit C, Paia, 579-8340. [SC]
BEST WINGS
Bamboo Bar & Grill
Served with a lemon wedge and a ramekin of salt and pepper, these aren’t the same slippery, sauce-covered chicken wings you’ve eaten over and over. In fact, Bamboo’s juicy, mouthwatering wings aren’t smothered in any sauce at all. These fat little deep-fried meat treats come to you crispy and savory on a bed of cabbage. These wings are exceptional downed with happy hour beers or on their own. And they typically go fast, so keep an eye on your friends. Those scavengers will gut a cow if you let them… 505 Front St., Ste 130, Lahaina, 667-4051. [JR]
BEST LUNCH
Café Des Amis
Crepes, glorious crepes! Good for breakfast, lunch or dinner, crepes somehow make you feel more sophisticated. And they’re light so you automatically feel less guilty. You could probably stick Cheez Whiz in a crepe and it would be delicious. On second thought, maybe not. But fortunately, Café Des Amis feels no need to do that. ‘Cause that would be really dumb. No, they prefer to do scrumptious combinations like apple, brie and avocado. Or bananas with Nutella chocolate. Salty or sweet, they have lots of combos to choose from, as well as a Mediterranean selection of delicacies. 42 Baldwin Ave., Paia, 579-6323. [SC]
BEST ENCHILADA SAUCE
Fiesta Time
This place is Maui’s closest approximation to an authentic taqueria, similar to those you might find in Los Angeles. Well, maybe not that authentic—perhaps a suburban taqueria (real Mexican taquerias can only be found in Mexico, sorry). Anyway, Fiesta Time is small, with paintings and murals of old Mexico covering the walls. It’s also home to some of the tastiest enchiladas around. And those rice and beans they put on the side! Damn, that’s good eating. 1132-C Lower Main, Wailuku, 249-8463. [AP]
BEST SPAM MUSUBI SOLD AT A GAS STATION
Minit stop
Spam may eventually destroy the world, but I am going down eating it. It’s a remarkable canned meat product—emphasis on the word “product”—that can last up to three years in your cupboard and still be considered fresh. The people of Hawaii have made many ingenious culinary uses for Spam, but by far the best is the Musubi. A slab of spam on top of a pressed block of rice belted together at the middle with seaweed, it’s good any time of the day and easy to take on the go. Our readers love the Minit Stop version because it’s crazy-tasty on the flav-o-meter. Minit Stops located island-wide. [JR]
BEST WORKING CLASS BAR
Idini’s
The patrons of Idini’s are a friendly breed but they take their pau hana bar very seriously. Expect some good-natured interrogation upon arrival and for chrissakes, don’t order any goddamned frou-frou shit. There are a couple of pool tables if you’re game but beware of the sharks lurking! 1234 Lower Main St., Wailuku, 249-8566. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO DO JAGERMEISTER SHOTS
(TIE) SandBar & LuLu’s
Jägermeister shots? Yikes. I expect that SandBar and LuLu’s won best place to do these shots because they keep their Jägermeister cold. Which could be why one voter picked “in the morgue” as the best place to do Jäger shots. Or maybe that particular voter said that because Jägermeister shots are the work of SATAN and the people who drink them are SCARY. Which would would also explain your votes for “in a past life,” “in the afterlife,” “yuck!” and “in my own backyard—no driving” as the best places to do Jägermeister shots. Our readers are so smart. Well, if you’re gonna do it, just stay away from steering wheels and cell phones, ‘k? SandBar, 89 Hana Hwy., Paia, 579-8742; LuLu’s, 1945-H S. Kihei Rd., 879-9944. [SC]
BEST BARTENDER
Ray Chavez
No matter what drink I’m up to for the evening, frou frou cosmos, obliterating mind erasers or tasty vanilla stoli’s and soda, Ray “Boom Boom” Chavez can pour and please like the master of Hapa’s that he is. I guess that is why Maui Time Readers voted “Boom Boom” number one when it comes to the best bartender on this rock. Or could it be his nifty bar tricks? The devilish smile? I hear he’s legendary on Ultra Fab nite at Hapa’s. Whatever the reason, I couldn’t agree more. Want a sharp cocktail? Want the whole experience? Head to Hapa’s and look for Ray, he will satiate your thirst like no other can. 41 E. Lipoa St., Ste. 4A, Kihei, 879-9001. [JR]
BEST CEVICHE
Horhito’s Mexican Cantina
More than simply a cold serving of fish, the ceviche at Horhito’s is wonderful, all citrusy, pink and exquisitely perched in a martini glass with thin tortilla chips. It’s Chef Jorge Galaviz’s specialty, and since he usually bartends, you can thank him personally. Oh, and just to change things up, order a chocolate milk along with it—Galaviz makes it the old-fashioned way, by squirting thick streaks of chocolate along the inside of the glass. Cold fish and colder chocolate milk—delicious! 41 E. Lipoa St., Kihei, 891-6394. [AP]
BEST DISNEYLAND FOR A.D.D. ALCOHOLICS
Henry’s
Who wants to just sit down and have a drink? Why, Henry’s has billiards, dartboards, video golf, shuffleboard and live music for dancing! They might even have pinball, foosball and croquet, but we don’t remember. We were too busy sitting at the bar, drinking. 41 E. Lipoa Space 15, Kihei, 879-2849. [SC]
BEST CHINESE FOOD
Tin Ying
This is a small restaurant tucked tightly away in Wailuku. The food here is so reasonable you may think you landed in China. Okay, Chinatown. The nondescript décor is accented by hand-made signs in Chinese offering different dishes and specials. They have all of your familiar Chinese dishes here, including noodle dishes, won tons, sweet sour stuff and the ever-popular fried rice. But those are old—get adventurous and try the whole fried fish or, even better, something you can’t even pronounce. The waitress will have fun trying to figure out what the hell you’re talking about! For the more conventional crowd, they’ve got plate lunches for under $5. 1088 Lower Main, Wailuku, 242-4371. [JR]
BEST DIVE BAR
Sly Mongoose
It is the epitome of a dive bar, with an extra special something that cannot be described and can only be experienced. Donna, Dave, Tio, Rob, Lynae and Jen have been behind the bar for years so you can try to ask them why they think Sly Mongoose has been voted the best dive bar of Maui, but don’t expect a guide book answer. Runners-up Henry’s and Hang Loose Lounge are in close but comfortable company. 1036 Limahana Pl., Lahaina, 661-8097. [SC]
BEST CURRY (E)
Curry in a Hurry
Hans Maynes and his wife Lori Lee run this place. They believe in cooking according to Ayurvedic principles. For those of you not up on Eastern thinking, Ayurveda tries to match diet to mind-body type (“dosha”) to ensure good health and wellbeing. Hans describes their dishes as a delightful and delicious alternative in vegetarian eating. “This is brain food,” he says. “Food that calms the nerves, increases the mind awareness and helps all bodily functions.” In other words, it’s good, and good for what ails you. 333 Dairy Rd., Kahului, 877-3328. [GT]
BEST VEGETARIAN FOOD
Mana Foods
There’s something about the words “Raw Pie” that used to make me think of monster rock and bad porn. Not anymore, now that I know about Mana’s Raw Pie. Man, whatever they don’t cook in there is tasty. I mean, sure you’re eating a pound of peanuts in every piece, but it’s practically guilt-free as long as it didn’t come within 50 feet of an oven, right? Raw Pie is just one of Mana’s gourmet specialties. They offer the best vegetarian and vegan variety on the island. And yes, they cook some of it, too. Barbecue tofu, breakfast wraps, couscous cakes, cucumber arame, papaya salad, sushi, rice paper rolls and Thai stir fry. You could live on that salad bar, which many do. 49 Baldwin Ave., Paia, 579-8078. [EG]
BEST DESSERT
McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundae
It’s a dollar, what do you want?! And they give you a packet of nuts on the side so you can do it yourself—I mean, how great is that? I wonder why they took away the caramel sundae, though—that was the best. I know you’re probably angry that McDonald’s would win anything in the food category since they’re so EVIL and all. It was just so overwhelming to have to decide between the obvious contenders—you know, Roy’s chocolate soufflé, Mama’s cheesecake, Nick’s strawberry flambé. And it seems like all the greatest desserts are at expensive restaurants anyway. Personally, my favorite dessert is fresh mango. Yeah, just mango. But hey, did you know that “Stressed” spelled backwards is “Desserts”? Uh huh, it’s true. McDonald’s are all over the place. [SC]
BEST HAPPY HOUR
Moose McGillycuddy’s
Okay, let me get this straight: best place to meet your future ex, best place to break up AND best happy hour? Interesting, I see how all this is developing. First, you suggest to your significant other that you both go have a couple happy hour cocktails—perhaps a couple scotch and sodas. Then after your third drink—their second—and over the loud top 40 hits the DJ is spinning, you lean over to your date and do the whole “it’s not you it’s me” and the “let’s just be friends, okay?” thing. Generously, you buy their next drink that they promptly throw in your face. And as the door is hitting their ass on the way out, you notice a cute blonde—or brunette or bald person, whatever floats your boat—across the bar and you smile wanly in their direction, playing the whole “oh, I’m so broken-hearted” card for a while ‘cause you know that always works, until you both… Oh, the devils you are! 844 Front St., Lahaina, 667-7758. [SC]
BEST FINE DINING
Pacific’O
This place grabs the Triple Crown of fine dining: Romance, extravagance and high prices. Everything about Pacific’O is elegant. Built right on the beach, diners in this intimate establishment can watch the water turn bronze as the sun sets behind Lanai. The servers and bartenders are classy and helpful, and even the food seems too pretty to eat—the Blackened Ahi Tower, Olowalu Tomato Stack and the Pasta Exotica are so artistic it seems a shame to dig in. Of course, all this culinary wonder comes at a price. The exceptional Bananarama entrée—fish seared with a chili lime panko crust and topped with a macadamia-banana hollandaise and rum-flambéed bananas—will set you back $29, and it’s not even the most expensive dish. So you only go now and then. After all, you don’t want to get bored with the finest things. 505 Front St., Lahaina, 667-4341. [AP]
BEST DINNER
Stella Blues Café
What’s not to like about warm ambience, candle-lit tables and soft music over the in-house stereo? They’ve got steak from the Maui Cattle Company, fish caught from boats in local waters, Mexicali Shrimp, Mango Wings, pork chops, seafood stew, meatloaf, pizza, burgers and pasta. And you know what? It all tastes pretty good, too. But perhaps Stella Blues’ greatest accomplishment is the Banana Split Cake. 1279 S. Kihei Rd. Ste. D-201, Kihei, 874-3779. [AP]
BEST SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS
Antonio’s
Spaghetti and meatballs is the quintessential Italian dish. Marinara sauce, long noodles, meat formed into balls and a little grated Parmesan cheese combine into the greatest Italian comfort food. Antonio’s in Kihei makes their Italian dishes from scratch and serves their spaghetti in a deep bowl that seems bottomless. Served with bread, olive oil and balsamic vinegar, this pasta and meat dish makes you feel like you came home to your Italian mama. 1215 S. Kihei Rd., Unit F, Kihei, 875-8800. [JR]
BEST PLATE LUNCH
Honokowai Okazuya
They’ve got lots of plate lunches, served as usual with mac salad and rice, but two are standouts. There’s the teriyaki steak, in either six or 12-ounce portions, and the Mahi Mahi Lemon Caper. Trust me, they’re not your usual plate lunches. 3600-D Lower Honoapiilani Rd., Honokowai, 665-0512. [GT]
BEST LOOKING BARTENDER
Katie at Charley’s Restaurant & Saloon
Katie, who bartends at Charlie’s in Paia, oozes sex appeal. She can be seen dancing there on Wednesdays spinning like a whirling dervish, head thrown back and eyes closed in orgasmic ecstasy. It’s worth the $5 cover just to watch her. Catch her bartending on the weekend, vigorously mixing drinks, covered in a shiny, post-sex-like sheen of sweat. It takes a heroic amount of willpower for one to resist the urge to climb over the bar and lick the salty perspiration off her neck. I mean… that’s what I heard. 142 Hana Highway, Paia, 579-9453. [BS]
BEST PLACE TO GET A SMOOTHIE YOU BLEND WITH YOUR OWN TWO FEET
Laulima Farms
You gotta go all the way out to Kipahulu for it, but the all-organic Laulima Farms has an old pickup truck out front that’s been converted into a drink bar. Mounted to the tailgate is a stationary bicycle, which is then connected to a generator, and then there’s a belt connecting that whole assembly to a standard blender. The mango one gives the best combination of great taste and a pretty challenging workout. Located one mile north of Ohe’o Gulch on SR 170 in Kipahulu. [GT]
BEST FRUIT STAND
Twin Falls
Twin Falls used to be a relatively secret spot until the popular guide book Maui Revealed outed it. But the Twin Falls fruit stand isn’t complaining. No matter what time of day, the place is always packed with people pawing for their pineapple smoothies, coconut chips, sugar cane juice, shave ice and blocks of banana bread. Maybe they think it’s the last stop ‘til Hana? Regardless, the stand does sell some mighty fine fruit—passion, mango, avo and some exotics you won’t even recognize. They’ll even slice it for you on the spot. But don’t even think about squeezing before you buy. If you do, no fruit for you. Located near Mile Marker 2 on the Road to Hana. [EG]
BEST SAIMIN
House of Saimin
They wouldn’t have put “saimin” in the name if they didn’t mean it. Old Lahaina Center, Lahaina, 667-7572. [AP]
BEST CHOPPED PORK
Pulehu BBQ Grill
Each and every meat grilled here Southern Style is succulent, but the chopped pork is just glorious. And it’s served without the flood of sauce that accompanies most barbecue joints. 1500 Lower Main St., Wailuku, 244-4049 or 244-6159. [AP]
BEST HEALTH FOOD STORE
Mana Foods
They’ve got it all. It’s good for you and inexpensive. And oh, the variety! They don’t just have honey, they an entire honey section with Clover, Eucalyptus, Buckwheat, Alfalfa, Orange and Sage honey varieties. You need beans? Forget plain ole pinto—they also have aduki, Jackson Wonder, Trout, Black Beluga lentils and others. Want cooking oil? How about toasted pumpkin seed, apricot kernel, avocado or grapeseed? But that’s not all! Trying to be a little exotic tonight by serving couscous? Well, try Wild Forest Mushroom couscous or Lemon Spinach, Herbed Chicken or even Thai Cuban couscous. Healthy snacks? How about an organic sesame bar with date syrup and fennel—or try any of the wall of power bars Mana Foods has, aisle two. But wait, there’s more! There’s a vitamin room with every herb you’ve never thought of, as well as beauty products like cruelty-free makeup, skin and hair care. And if you get lost, there are actually employees who ask YOU if you need help! Why can’t all grocery stores operate this way? And don’t even get me started on their immaculate array of fresh, organic, locally grown produce! Aaarrgh… somebody get me an Ignatia tablet, quick! 49 Baldwin Ave., Paia, 579-8078. [SC]
BEST CRISPYFRIED NOODLES
Wei Wei Barbecue
Don’t you ever crave the crunch of noodles? Wait, the crunch? Yes, the crunch. Try the crispy house cake noodles from Wei Wei Bar-B-Q & Noodle House. They’ve got the sauce, vegetables, taco, shrimp and/or chicken, but most of all they have those delectable noodles. Who wants to settle for regular made soft noodles—so pedestrian—swimming in broth when you can have a dish with the perfect combination of crunch and flavor with just enough stuff to make it good for you. All that and just $7.25 for a nice big plate. You can eat it as a meal or Chinese Family style. Mmmm… crispy fried noodles. It makes my mouth water just thinking about it. 210 Imikala St., Wailuku, 242-7928. [KRH]
BEST PLACE TO GET FREE CHIPS AND SALSA
(TIE) Polli’s Mexican Restaurant and Compadres Bar & Grill
Nothing like a basket—or three—of fried tortilla chips with a side of homemade salsa to make you thirsty enough to order another margarita—or three. Polli’s makes the coveted flour tortilla chips, too, and integrate them into the mix with their other traditional corn chips. Both restaurants’ salsas are fresh and chunky, spicy, and addictive as all hell. Polli’s, 1202 Makawao Ave., Makawao, 572-7808; Compadres, Lahaina Cannery Mall, 661-7189. [SC]
BEST ACT OF PUBLIC RELATIONS
Cold Stone Creamery
On July 19, the owner of the Cold Stone Creamery franchise in Lahaina visited the Maui Time World Headquarters. He brought with him a free ice cream cake for the office made from devil’s food cake, vanilla ice cream, Oreo cookies and chocolate shavings. The gift was meant to publicize a July 29 corporate-wide fund-raising event for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. As you can see, it didn’t work. But it was a valiant effort nonetheless, and we’d like to encourage other frozen dessert manufacturers to mimic this technique. 900 Front St., Lahaina, 667-2744. [AP]
BEST PUPUS
Sansei
Sansei is my new favorite restaurant. The festive atmosphere, the friendly bartenders and happy hour 50 percent-off deals have people lining up outside the door. Is it worth the wait? You bet. They pimp their pupus out in style. Here, I’ll save you the time and trouble: Start with a Rock Shrimp Dynamite and a Panko-Crusted Ahi Roll. Move to a Mango Crab Soy Wrap or the Sansei Special Crab Roll. Add the tender Miso Prawn Salad smothered in ginger lime chili butter. Then a little sake, a little wine and top it off with a chocolate peanut butter Scooby Snack to go. As they say at Sansei’s, Oishii! (that means yum). 115 Bay Dr., Unit 115, Kapalua, 669-6286; 1881 S. Kihei Rd., Ste. KT116, Kihei, 879-0004. [EG]
BEST RIBS (E)
Aloha Mix Plate
When local people talk ribs, they’re not referring to baby back barbeque. Nope, they’re talking about the Kalbi. With three short bones and a slender slab of meat, Kalbi must be tender and sweet. They’re marinated in a broke da mout’ teriyaki. When your uncle isn’t cooking them up on the hibachi, head to Aloha Mix Plate where the best Kalbi on the island is served the way nature intended it, with two scoops of sticky rice and mac salad. You might enjoy the ocean views, but the Kalbi will keep you coming back for more. 1285 Front St., Lahaina, 661-3322. [JR]
BEST PANCAKES SOLD AT A PLACE THAT DOESN’T HAVE “PANCAKES” IN THE NAME
Tasty Crust Restaurant
They do it old school style and it tastes like mom used to make. You could probably even smear peanut butter on them like you did when you were younger and the Tasty Crust waitresses wouldn’t bat an eye. Oh sure, they’ll talk about you in the back but the point is, the pancakes are the most pancake-iest pancakes we’ve seen and we hope they don’t change for another 30 years. 1770 Mill, Wailuku, 244-0845. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO EAT AFTER 2 A.M.
Denny’s
When I was growing up, Denny’s was good for two things. First, to trip on acid and draw in notebooks and, second, to do dine-and-dashes. Handily winning the category as the only place to eat after 2 a.m., Denny’s could safely be called a culinary slum. The aggressive florescent lighting, the see-and-say menu selection, the rotating banana crème pie in the glass case (in the Kahului Denny’s, this case is called “Fruitful Endeavors”). There is something just so American about Denny’s. Perhaps this is its staying power. Like the voice of Paul Harvey on the A.M. dial, Motel Six, Wal-Mart, Route 66 and sincere smiles, Denny’s is firmly entrenched in American cultural geography. 430 Kele St., Kahului, 873-5550; 2763 S., Kihei Rd., Kihei, 879-8600. [BS]
BEST PIZZA
BY THE SLICE
Shaka Pizza
This is pizza the way God intended it. Shaka serves up its slices thin, but not so thin that the grease soaks through and makes the thing as unwieldly as a wet paper towel. This is pizza you can eat the traditional way—with your hands. Oh, and the cheese is dreamy and toppings fresh. 1295 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei, 874-0331. [AP]
BEST HAMBURGER
Cool Cat Cafe
Ah, the glorious burger. Ya gotta admit, we’ve got some good burgers on this little island of ours, but Cool Cat really put their name on the map with this one. They call their standard burger “Leader of the Pack” and it’s the perfect hand-held size of a cholesterol-lovin’ beef patty dripping with melted cheese and piled high with crisp lettuce and all the fixin’s, including 1000-island dressing, and they stuff it into this little white-wrapped package like a salacious gift to your salivating mouth… Whew, where am I? Oh, yeah. Cool Cat. Good burger. 658 Front St., Lahaina, 667-0908. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO SEE SUSPICIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE FROM AROUND THE WORLD
Jacque’s
It’s weird. No matter what night of the week you walk into Jacque’s, it’s like, Models International. And the great thing is, a lot of those great-looking men and women who congregate at Jacque’s are probably smart, nice and interesting, but you wouldn’t know because they probably don’t speak English. See, that way, you never get a chance to know if they’re really jerks or not, and vice versa—they never find out that you’re really a jerk, too! And hey, you still speak the international language of love! C’est bon, no? 120 Hana Hwy., Paia, 579-8844. [SC]
BEST THAI PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BRING YOUR OWN BEER
Thai Chef
Great food that’s inexpensive and you can bring your own alcohol. I don’t know why but somehow that little detail makes this already cozy atmosphere kinda more romantic. Is that weird? Owned and operated by the Chankhamany family, both Thai Chefs also offer the freshest spring rolls, mild or spicy curries on chicken, beef, shrimp or fish and tons of vegetarian dishes. Old Lahaina Center, 800 Front St., Lahaina, 667-2814; Rainbow Mall, 2439 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei, 874-5605. [SC]
BEST ELK BURGER
Ulupalakua
Ranch Store
This is by far the best place on all of Maui to procure elk meat in its most basic and nurturing form: the burger. That it is, as far as I can tell, the only place to get an elk burger is absolutely irrelevant. Located in downtown Ulupalakua, across the street from the Tedeschi Winery and that place where they rent the ATVs, 878-2561. [AP]
BEST SANDWICH THAT DOESN’T HAVE “QUIZNO” OR “SUBWAY” IN THE NAME
Mr. Sub
Hell yeah, this place is the best. Sandwich shops tend to be pretty uniform, but Mr. Sub just seems unique. They’ve got wraps and salads, but their best offering is the Surfer’s Club, with turkey, avo, sprouts and provolone on a wheat roll. Oh, did I tell you it’s nine feet long? Well, not really, but it feels that big when you’re trying to take a bite out of it. Had one the other day—when I was done, the equivalent of a side salad had dropped out of it and onto my plate. And it’s not just the sandwiches that are gigantic and great. “Mr. Sub win anything this year?” Associate Editor Samantha Campos asked me, to which I replied that they had, for best sandwich. She nodded, then carried away her immense salad with tuna. 129 Lahainaluna Rd., Lahaina, 667-5683. [AP]
BEST TACO SALAD THAT’S BIG ENOUGH TO UTILIZE A HUGE SALSA BAR
Jawz Fish Tacos Island Style Grill
The taco salads are hearty goodness and you can get them with mahi, ono, shrimp, chicken, steak or vegetarian. But I almost think I order them just to play around with all the unique salsas in the salsa bar, including the tropical fruit salsa, roasted serrano pepper with papaya, roasted jalapeño pepper with tomato and Maui onion, wasabi Asian, smoky chipotle pepper and my favorite special pink sauce—roasted habañero pepper with pineapple and carrot. I mean my favorite special pink sauce other than Pepto Bismol. 1279 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei, 874-8226. [SC]
BEST BAR TO GO WHEN YOU’RE FEELING INDECISIVE
SandBar
You never know what to expect. You could walk in after a good surf session to grab a couple lobster tacos, and with the shore breeze coming through, check out some ball game on TV and play some pool in the back or listen to the live music by Trevor Jones or whoever stops by. You could toy around with the cool jukebox or video games, chat it up with the locals or shoot the shit with a passing tourist. The SandBar also has live jazz on Mondays, various DJs and live bands throughout the week, so the crowd differs vastly from night to night. The service is relaxed and friendly and there’s never a shortage of cute chick servers who actually smile at you. We know you like that, even if you don’t know which end is up. 89 Hana Hwy., Paia, 579-8742. [SC]
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