BEST ADULT STORE
The idea of visiting an adult store can be an intimidating one for the novice shopper. You might imagine them to be dank, dark and scary with dusty, musty aisles of sticky videos and unidentifiable phallic objects too numerous to appear user-friendly. You picture men in trench coats leering over their copy of Naughty Nymphos and the unapproachable and freaky, lobotomized guy behind the counter who could not possibly have sex. Ever. This is definitely not the case at The Love Shack in Kihei’s Kalama Village. There, you enter a bright, sensuous atmosphere and are greeted by the warm smiles of a knowledgeable staff, enticing you to look over their banana flavored penis massage creams and hand-held remote clitoral stimulators. For quality sexy lingerie in silk or leather, fun novelty items like Tit Tacks or to simply update your personal assistant with the dual-action butterfly/rabbit combo, check it out and go down south (to Kihei, what did you think I meant?). Instead of immediately needing to take a hot shower because you feel icky, after you visit this adult store you may just need to take a cold one. [SC]
Best Place To Buy Boardshorts
LOCAL MOTION
People in the surf apparel industry have apparently figured out that they can charge whatever they want for boardshorts and kids living in Kentucky will buy enough surf gear for their trips to local water parks and community pools to keep the money flowing in and the cash registers ringing. Unfortunately for us, that keeps the prices hiked up higher than some tourists’ swim trunks. But Local Motion, along with having massive inventory and tons of variety, teams up with companies like Ezekiel to bring us deals to the tune of a rash guard and a pair of baggies for $50. In the world of overpriced surf apparel, it’s nice to see someone working to leave some money in our pockets and keep us from surfing naked for lack of a better option. [IH]
Best Place To Get Condoms
LONGS DRUG STORE
Wow, I still remember the first time I bought condoms. I was a chubby little 14-year-old who wanted to go pick up a package “just in case”. Yeah, right. I didn’t have a girlfriend, nor had I grown the huevos to even talk to the ladies yet. The guy behind the counter just laughed and gave me my change. This experience can be yours at Longs. Whether you are a seasoned pro or a rookie just looking to get into the game, Longs is apparently the place to go for all of your prophylactic needs. So keep it safe and if certain circumstances get past the “G rating”, make sure you’ve visited Longs and picked up the appropriate gear. [IH]
Best Place To Buy A Creative Gift
SWAP MEET
Don’t go to an overpriced tourist trap and pay too much for a cheesy import. Shop where the locals shop. You can get ono local produce at good prices and all kinds of local handmade items. Checkout Krista’s Surfer Salve, which is sure to relieve all kinds of ailments. Maybe she’ll even massage it on for you. Or pick up some of Sara’s gorgeous ceramic plates with cool octopi or anatomically correct naked people on them. Nothing spurs the appetite like staring at full frontal nudity. Get a fresh coconut as you shop and mingle with the natives. Rasta flags, enormous jackfruit, candied macadamia nuts, a box of tamarind, hand-woven bags and pukas all fit the bill as unique gift ideas. [JG]
Best Video Store
BLOCKBUSTER
Blockbuster?! Did you all flip that switch on the back of your head that shuts down your brains? If your cultural exposure is limited to the latest $50 million new release and you spend your time indoors playing video games, you have chosen the right video store. Blockbuster is a gigantic multinational conglomerate squeezing small businesses out of the market. How does giving your money to them help the local economy? Spend your money at Maui owned stores. Try a foreign film or a documentary, broaden your horizons, be more creative and put your cash back into Maui businesses. Blockbuster…what were you thinking? Blockbuster? [JG]
BEST PLACE TO GET YOUR CAR STOLEN
Being ripped off is not fun. You would think that on such a small island, it would be easy to find your stolen vehicle – ah, but not so. There is a known surfing area called Honokohau Valley where drivers and passengers alike get taken advantage of by car thieves utilizing the nearby labyrinthine pineapple fields for their escape. I say, knowing that this kind of activity is ongoing there, let’s have a little fun with the thieving bastards. Now we just need to figure out how…[SC]
Best Bikini Shop
MAUI GIRL
From a man’s point of view, it seems kind of funny to go to a bikini shop. Needless to say, us guys are a bit out of place. They should have models prancing around, lounging half-naked, periodically trying on different barely-there bikinis to entice buyers and create fantasies in the minds of “innocent” bystanders. There must be at least 1000 styles to choose from and for such a small amount of fabric, these little numbers are expensive. But, the smaller the better, right? Girls aren’t just buying a piece of nylon. With that ball of fabric, they’re getting yet another opportunity to tease, taunt and tempt us guys at the beach. They’re buying the ability to stop traffic. And Maui Girl has plenty of bikinis that can do just that. [JG]
Best Tattoo Shop
Island Ink
Their deck is the most obvious part of Paia and definitely has the best view for people watching the magic happen. The door below isn’t quite as obvious (it’s bright purple, pay attention and go up). Tom and Nancy have years of experience and between their know-how, and that of their apprentices like Brad, they will win your trust and make sure your art-for-life is gorgeous and alluring. Check out their gallery of incredible Polynesian tattoos. This is one place where they won’t spell your name wrong on the back of your neck. So unless your name really is Steven with an “R”, head to Island Ink. [JG]
Best Distraction While Driving
While I would say that the female breast is the most common reason I have to swerve while driving down South Kihei Road, the best distraction regardless of sexual preference, age, gender or religion would have to be the stunning combination of rainbows, unicorns, dancing fairies and freak whale sightings that make Maui both magical and quasi-disturbing. I know plenty of women that would say a 40-year-old man in a fluorescent green thong makes them nearly forget that they are behind the wheel of a car, but the majestic backdrop of a perfectly formed rainbow has caused many a tourist to continue straight when the Pali turns left and landed them in four feet of Pacific Ocean. If you are lucky enough to experience one, the occasional unicorn spotting or Menehune sighting is grounds to slam on the brakes and jump out of your car to investigate. And of course, who could forget those humpback whales? A tail up in the air seems to cause many a fender bender. Let’s remember to keep our eyes on the road and if you do see a dancing fairy bolt across Hana Highway, do your best not to bank her with your cruiser. [IH]
Best Place To Buy An Expensive Gift
TIFFANY & CO
My cousin Anne used to work at Tiffany & Co. Not the jewelry store, but in some back office where they process the orders. Her job as “Tiffany Card Writer,” was to handwrite all the love notes that accompany the little blue Tiffany boxes, making her privy to the personal messages of people everywhere. As she carefully crafted verses such as “You’re the best dog and I’m barking up the right tree,” Anne and her co-workers learned a lot about love, relationships and human stupidity. So as you go buy your expensive gift from Tiffany’s, you can rest assured that someone, somewhere is laughing at you. [EG]
Best Hardware Store
Ace Hardware
If you don’t have a neighbor as gullible as Ned Flanders to borrow tools from with no intentions of ever giving them back, then you had better head to an Ace Marmack Hardware location and buy your own stuff. Whether you’re after a toilet plunger for when your mother-in-law is in town or some spraypaint to spruce up the cruiser, Ace is the place. And if you long for that old-fashioned neighborhood hardware store for your DIY needs, then Maui’s Ace locations will definitely take care of you. The Kula store is known for its fantastic gardening supplies and the cheapest gas on the Island. Cheap gas good, mother-in-law bad. [JG/IH]
Best Place To Buy Shoes
MACY’S
I used to be a shoe slut if there ever was one. The higher, the tighter, the more leather, the better. When I came to the island, I brought with me 10 to 12 pairs, easy—little strappy numbers to coordinate with every possible outfit. But, come on, how many shoes do you need on Maui? Now, I’m down to one pair. They’re plastic, they’ve got permanent imprints of my toes and they make my feet stink. I’ve got to go to Macy’s. I need the foot makeover only they can provide. [EG]
Best Place To Spend Your Last $20
TANK OF GAS TO HANA
You could easily make that final Jackson stretch over two unforgettable days. You could take your time exploring the little turnoffs, leave the car behind and hike as far back as you can just to see what’s there. The water is clean and refreshing and will sustain you until you find guava and mango trees to keep your belly full and make you last as long as that final tank. Take the best hike imaginable along the coast at Wainapanapa, hit Red Sand Beach, check out Hamoa, Venus Pool and find an amazing campsite. Bathe in the waterfalls of Kipahulu and then use the last of your gas to head back to humanity and look for a job, you bums. [JG]
BEST WAY TO KILL TIME IN TRAFFIC
“… And I – I – e – I – I will always love you – o – o – o.” That’s right, the best thing to do when you’re stuck behind a pig truck in endless traffic is belt out your own off-key version of Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You”. You might not know all of the words but damn it, when you’re in the car by yourself, it just sounds right. Of course, while you’re butchering a beautiful piece of music, you can multi-task and cruise through an issue of Maui Time Weekly. I know you thought the only good use for a Maui Time was to line the bottom of your birdcage or wrap your Star Wars figurine collection before you move but they can actually be used as a source of information, matchmaking, an outlet for public frustration and as a guide for your weekend’s activities. As you might not be going anywhere for a while, you can plot out that night’s itinerary or check out Eh Brah to find out who Maui’s asshole of the week is. So always have a copy of Maui Time in your car because you never know when the Pali is going to have one of its infamous closures leaving you otherwise bored and bummed. [IH]
Best Children’s Clothing
GAP KIDS
If it is important to you to make your kids look cool at an early age, then by all means, go to Gap Kids. I mean, sure, you’ll be paying double and triple the price for a trendy striped oxford that your little Timmy is going to smear with melted chocolate and bloody up with some scrape or cut. But hey, kids need to learn as soon as possible about name brands and consumerism and that they will be judged by what they wear. It’s up to you to teach them. So get started, leave no child behind and instill the values that are oh so important to our culture. [EG]
Best Place To Buy A Cheap Gift
ABC STORE
Skeptics may say it’s impossible to find anything cheap on Maui, let alone a gift, but our faithful readers say different. When someone’s birthday creeps up on you, when you’re stuck buying something for an office Christmas party, whatever the occasion, never fear for we have ABC Store! Yes, that’s right, and you thought that place was only for visitors. Although that may have been their principle intention, for locals it has become nothing short of a lifesaver. If you look hard enough, you never know what you may find in this little oasis. Not only is ABC cheap, but it is also convenient. With 10 locations scattered over the island, you can run in, run out and have a gift for your grandaunt’s surprise birthday party in minutes. [KH]
Best Thrift Store
SAVERS
I scoped Savers to see what makes them the best. With all the second-hand clothes, shoes and junque (that’s ‘que’) they’ve got for sale, any thrift store has got to stay organized. Savers does and they do it well. Every rack is clearly categorized and every item neatly tagged—right down to an unwieldy row of women’s muu muu’s. They also have a good book and music selection, again, all organized and priced to move. Nothing like picking up some new tunes for the tape deck at 49 cents a pop. On the sly, if you are in the market for some Menudo or New Kids on the Block, you won’t be disappointed. But don’t tell anyone I told you. [EG]
BEST OBNOXIOUS RADIO COMMERCIAL
Oh, so many to choose from. Well, let’s see, I could “Get a car, get a truck, get an SUV” or I could learn about the 15 pounds of compacted waste in my bowels. No, those aren’t bad enough. Ah, yes, that’s right, I need to “remember, convenience for the kama’aina.” That’s right “Super Stop, Yeah Baby!” I have major issues with this radio spot. Every time I hear this commercial, I want to take a clothes hanger, bend it to the exact shape of the route from my ears to my brain, heat the end and work it deep into the pink of my cerebrum. So what makes this ad the “best” obnoxious radio commercial? No matter how much I hate it, no matter how much it bothers me, I know what it’s for and I actually stopped in front of a Super Stop the other day and said, “Hey, that’s what that stupid commercial is for.” It’s the best because it actually works. It gets its job done. So here’s a free plug for you guys. I’m not fully bagging on the commercial, I’m just saying good job on getting our attention and seriously annoying the shit out of me. [IH]
Best Cellphone Service
AT&T
My friend Captain Ted used to work for Nextel on the mainland, so he knows his cellphones. He tells me that using cell phones without a headset is akin to sticking your head in the microwave and pressing start. On the island, he uses AT&T for his service. “What’s so much better about AT&T?” I asked him. “They’ve got good coverage,” said Ted. Apparently, AT&T has better signals in the more remote areas of Maui, in parts of Hana and even out to Lanai. So if you want coverage, AT&T, with a headset, is where it’s at. The only problem is their customer service can be a bitch. [EG]
Best Used Bookstore
OLD LAHAINA BOOK EMPORIUM
Move aside all you unWest Mauians because Lahaina’s got the best used bookstore. I know, big deal. But honestly the Old Lahaina Book Emporium is one of the coolest places, period. Whether you’re a beach bum looking for a steamy romance novel, or an art enthusiast looking for a little something different, Lahaina’s Book Emporium has it all. A secret for all you students out there: go to the book emporium and find a book already littered with handwritten side-notes and important passages highlighted. So half the work is done for you and you don’t have to waste your money on a brand new book. Tourists, you too can look to The Old Lahaina Book Emporium for everything from CDs by local musicians to Maui guidebooks. Trust me, they’ve got everything at half the price of any other bookstore. Even Amazon.com can’t come close. [KH]
BEST NEVERENDING ROAD CONSTRUCTION PROJECT
How are a county work truck and a Winnebago similar? They both sleep six comfortably. No, seriously folks, these guys work hard. They just have a sincere interest in job security. Have you ever noticed that when you see them on the road, there’s always one guy working, one guy watching him work and four guys standing in the shade watching the two of them? It’s their attention to detail. Yeah, that’s it. Because if there’s one thing these guys are good at, it’s supervising. Narrowing down the field in this category to a specific project was a tough one. You can pretty much take your pick of road construction projects or revamps that should have taken two months but have turned into epic conquests that may take us into the next decade. I can still remember when they started roadwork on Honoapiilani Highway at Ma’alaea. The mullet was still in style. Boy George was rockin’ and most of the construction workers wore Members Only jackets when they were off duty. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that long ago but it feels like the other Bush was president when they got started. I think if we had a dedicated workforce of old women, they could wrap this job up in about half the time it has taken to this point. [TH/IH]
Best Men’s Clothing & Best Women’s Clothing
ROSS
My horoscope told me I needed to spruce up my summer wardrobe, so I headed straight for Ross. After all, their motto is “Dress for Less”, right? No wonder people love it. First, I went to my favorite department regardless of what store I’m in, the junior’s section. So what if I’m pushing 30? I still like to look hip, okay? Perusing the clearance racks at Ross is like wading into a garment jungle. I practically needed a machete to get through the aisles. When I came out the other end, I was tired, thirsty and sweating like a marathon runner. It takes a lot of work to dress for less. The men’s department is a different story. No tightly packed summer dresses, no overspilling sarongs. Instead, neat rows of aloha shirts fill the floor and spacious racks of Bermuda shorts line the walls. Where is the justice? [EG]
Best Auto Shop
TLC AUTOMOTIVE
The name of Maui’s best auto shop says it all, as in tender loving care. Imagine, a car repair place where the customer is king—it’s unheard of. But that’s the kind of service TLC is famous for, along with reliable repairs. So if the always unreliable Maui cruiser is running a bit rough, see if you can make it to Lower Main Street in Wailuku for a nice tune-up, a new air filter or maybe just a quart or two. Plus, they have cool license plate holders—“TLC-Licensed to Chill”—which Mike or one of the other staff will give you for free. [JK/IH]
Best Place To Buy Lingerie
LOVE SHACK
For frilly negligees and panties galore, the Love Shack is indeed where it’s at. Lila knows her lace, ruffles, silk, sequins, leather and vinyl – so much so that this place will have you singing the thong song. Their playful girly atmosphere blends trashy with a touch of class and carries the best selection of undies, bustiers, stockings, garters, tassels and feather boas on the island. Don’t forget the boxers, briefs and robes for men or the newly expanded bridal section for all your naughty nuptial needs. Check out their risqué pleather and chainmail evening gowns, sexy toys and games, adult video/DVD room, books, magazines, condoms, handcuffs, edible oils, body glitter – you know you want it, and you can have it all right here at the Love Shack. [TL]
BEST PLACE TO KILL YOUR WIFE
This goes both ways, snuff out your wife or permanently shut your husband up. However, it seems that guys have the physical advantage and therefore, the upper hand. But if you are a cunning girl, I am sure you could succeed here. First thing to do when you are planning a death in your family is get some life insurance on the person expected to expire. After all, you want to get paid for all your hard work, don’t ya? Next, plan a vacation in Hawaii. Then rent a kayak for two and paddle out into the Auau Channel – choose a day with marine warnings, it’ll make your story better. Then throw her overboard and tell everyone she got whacked by a shark. As an added monetary bonus, sue somebody afterwards. Sound familiar? I’m sure someone’s gettin’ away with it right now. The fine print: This stunt is for professionals only, don’t try this at home. [JR]
Best Laundromat
LIPOA LAUNDRY
It’s air conditioned and full of open machines, so get your stinky drawers down to Lipoa Laundry for some good, clean fun. You can drop a load in and head over to Henry’s or Hapa’s for a cool one while you wait, or have a hot workout at Gold’s Gym and toss your sweatsuit right into the washer. Perhaps you’d prefer to relax with some vending machine delicacies and mid-afternoon Seinfeld. Giant folding tables and tiny detergent boxes await you, along with fun family games like Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Pinball for the kiddies. Lazy folks can also enjoy the convenient dry cleaning and laundry service drop-off. [TL]
Best Resort or Hotel
GRAND WAILEA
Ah, the good life…if you must stay at a fancy resort on Maui, it might as well be the Grand Wailea Resort & Spa. Lush sprawling grounds perched high atop the sacred shoreline, swimming pools right on the beach for your convenience and a staff dedicated to meeting your every need. Treat yourself to a luxurious afternoon at the world renowned Spa Grande, then dine at your choice of award-winning restaurants. Marvel at the priceless art collection on display or browse the shops for pricey treasures. Dahling, you are worth it – take a day off from your three jobs to stroll around the joint and revel in the extravagant grandeur of it all. [TL]
Best Place To Buy Leis
KMART
A lei is a simple sign of love and aloha. And when it comes to leis, no other place smells of aloha like K-mart. Yes, you heard right! The readers have voted K-mart as the best place to buy leis. At K-mart, not only do you get to choose from a variety of selections of leis made by local residents, but you get them at a cheap price, too! Whether you’ll be buying a lei for that special someone, getting one for the idiot next door who finally graduated from high school or are simply buying one to greet someone at the airport, keep in mind that K-mart is the place to go to for a simple sign of aloha. [DA]
BEST PLACE TO BUY CucKOOS
Don’t know what cuckoos are? You’re a better person than I am. Although found island-wide, your strongest bull market for cuckoos is going to be on Front Street, anywhere down the strip but especially on the sea wall next to Bubba’s. Still not sure? Try Maui’s finest weeds, the kind that stick to your leg hairs, not the kind with the green hairs, that go for about $50 a bag, passed off as the “Wowee” you had HIGH hopes for. Look for a guy with no shirt on, or if you’re a longhair they’ll find you, looking kind of sketchy, yelling out “spliff, ganja, pakalolo” and quickly pass him your folded bill and you’re sure to never see him or your Grant again. But try to put the contents of your little bag into a pipe and smoke it and you may soon see why it’s called “cuckoos” and the joke is on you. [JR]
Best Place To Buy Greeting Cards
LONGS DRUG STORES
With three locations on Maui, voters dubbed Longs Drug Stores the best place to buy greeting cards. You could spend the entire day in one aisle reading through all their greeting cards. For whatever the event or situation, the voters are pretty sure that Longs has the perfect card for absolutely anything. I don’t think Hallmark makes a “Sorry I said you have bad breath” card, but if they do, Longs is your best bet. So when you’re in search of that perfect greeting card, or that genuine I’m sorry card, don’t forget to make Longs a part of your day. [DA]
BEST CORNER TO GET HIT BY A CAR
Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn’t, he just got tagged by a silver convertible Mustang with an Enterprise sticker on the bumper and a family of four, fresh from the airport. The last time I checked, any street corner on Maui that has tourist drivers in the near vicinity is the best corner to get hit by a car. But with all the traffic of the visitor season at its peak, forget about crossing at Baldwin Avenue and Hana Highway in Paia. If you want your kneecaps taken out, or worse, just step into the high-speed traffic of their intersection and tempt the crazy tourists that seem to almost try to hit pedestrians. And if it’s whale season and the ocean is within visual sight, you’re looking at a mandatory bumper-to-femur connection. [TH/IH]
Best Photo Shop
COSTCO
Kodak moments are worth keeping. And because they are of such value, the voters are really appreciative that here on Maui, we can pay such a small price to get our pictures developed at Costco. Apparently having the best photo shop, Costco can develop your pictures within the next three days, 24 hours, or within the next 60 minutes on Kodak or Kirkland paper. There’s nothing like cruising around Costco, hitting up all of the free sample tables to get a little lunch while you wait for your spring break pics to get developed. [DA]
Best Travel Agency
PALMS TRAVEL AGENCY
Living on a rock in the middle of the Pacific means you are going to need a travel agent to get where you need to go. Whether you are visiting family and friends, taking a bonafide Amsterdam vacation or just a quick trip to Vegas, Palms Travel can hook you up. With two locations, one at Azeka’s in Kihei and one at the Kaahumanu Shopping Center serving you, Palms Travel Agency got your votes for the top travel agency sending Mauians all over the world. Take it from Omar, a veteran Maui traveler, people take kindly to seeing Maui people out in the world, just don’t say you’re American. [JR]
Best Beauty Salon
TIE: PARAGON & COLOURS
Beauty regimens fight off many evils, like gray hair, unruly brows and bikini lines, funky feet and worst of all, dated hairstyles. Maui Time Weekly readers couldn’t agree on the best with equally high votes resulting in our only tie going to Paragon in Makawao and Colours in Kahului. Want a wild fuschia mullet or how about green liberty spikes? The sky’s the limit when it comes to hair designs here. Keep your styles in this decade or go retro, scoop all the good island gossip or blab away about who your best friend is sleeping with, and take it from our readers who love Colours and Paragon! [JR]
BEST PLACE TO DISAPPEAR FROM
The Lahaina Civic Center stoplight is Maui’s twilight zone, stealing souls like the Bermuda triangle. What the f@*k happened to Tory Newlin on that fateful night February 16th, 2002? Theories I have heard range from being held as a slave in a camp in the Phillipines to he is alive and well on a sandy secluded island living the good life. While psychics haven’t been able to bring him back from his outer dimension, his families pleas are also falling on deaf ears. Perhaps this stoplight has a special dimension for those of us wishing to shirk family and friends, just take six hits of the brown acid and don your ruby slippers. [JR]
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