You’ve been crashing on our back patio swing for a couple months. You sleep late and then lurk at our house, morning and night. You should get up, look for housing and let us enjoy our backyard. If you truly appreciate having a safe place to sleep at night, give us a break and make […]
Eh Slipper Litterer
Eh Brah! I wasn’t the only one who saw you walking out of Long’s Drugstore in Kahului with a smile on your face and shiny new slippahs in your hand. We saw you take your feet out of the old ones, put on the new ones, and then walk away, leaving the price tag, as […]
Eh Newbie Spear Fisherman
To the newbie spear-fisherman at the Westside beach: Wow, you had a big new shiny gun but the fish that was dangling from it was quite manini! A snapper you say? Review your fishing regs, friend–even though you went “way out,” that was no snapper you caught. It was what we call a “kumu” and […]
2013 MauiTime Charity Gift Guide
We live in tough times for nonprofit organizations. Government spending is drying up, and that means they’re increasingly being forced to take up the slack. Otherwise, the neediest individuals in society will be left on their own. Year in and year out, we’ve watched these charitable organizations attempt to do more with less funds. Even […]
Eh Thieving Squatters
How you and your slimy band of thieves managed to move yourselves in without the usual background/credit checks–and before the first of your checks failed to clear–is a complete mystery to me. But hey, no matter… “It is what it is.” I’m supposed to accept that as an answer, and so I shall. But I […]
Eh Guy Who Took Me On A Date To Some House
Thank you for the amazing time we spent on the beach together. It was nice to meet you, but getting to know you is another story. To be honest, I didn’t know whether to be flattered or pissed off when I realized that when you invited me to your house, you actually took me to […]
Eh Wannabe Hardcore Taggers
To the hardcore gangsters who’ve been tagging my neighborhood in giant ugly red spray paint: Last time I checked, it’s not so “hardcore” to tag a community-built children’s bus stop in your own neighborhood. After uncle donated his day to painting over your slop, you struck again. Congrats! I know it’s probably a little slow […]
Eh Harsh Restaurant Critic
Just wanted to thank the wonderful guest whose disregard for an out-of-order bathroom sign ended my employment. I did apologize and do my best to make things right with you but you weren’t even satisfied with the free dinner, refund on your discounted lunch and $100 gift card. You still slammed the restaurant on a […]
Eh Generous Guy In Line
One morning not too long ago I traveled across the island to get tickets to a big concert. I got there around 8:45am (tickets went on sale at 9am) and had my one-year-old daughter in her backpack carrier. As I get closer to the entrance, I began to realize that the line had hundreds of […]
Eh Rude Ultrasound Tech
To the young ultrasound technician: I think you should get your pulse checked. When a pregnant woman who is lying on your table has questions about the procedures you are performing on her body, you should learn how to answer her. She has every right to know what’s going on, every step of the way […]
Eh Gas Station Line Cutter
This goes out to the jerk who cut in line at Costco gas station. You cut off five people who were waiting for gas. You just drove up to the front pump as that person left, as though no one else was in line. I was next in line and would have drove around the […]
Eh Fake Navy SEAL Deadbeat Dad
To the self-proclaimed “education parent” who rips up his son’s homework and throws it into the trash, tells both of his kids they do not go to “a real school” (Hawaiian immersion) and teaches his children to lie and cheat so that they may “get ahead:” Please go away. You quit your job so you […]
Eh Jerk Driver
This goes out to the inconsiderate jerk in the black Honda. If you’re on a suicide mission, please don’t involve innocent people. Earlier this month, I driving on Kailai Waa Street in Wailea, heading to work, and came to a STOP sign. After stopping, I turned on my blinker to turn left so I could […]
Eh Lazy Litterbugs
Eh you there, dropping your cigarette butts, cheap bear cans, bottle caps, soda bottles, cups, old slippahs, worn down shoes, tents, BVDs, bras, diapers, appliances, couches, toxic waste and all kine pilau stuffs on our ‘aina: Wise up! How would you like it if I came and dumped all my rubbish on your front yard or […]
Eh Resort Security Guard Fink
Eh Brah. You were the Westside resort security guard who called the DLNR and police on my friend. Just wanted to let you know he was volunteering for the Lahaina Boys and Girls Club and donating his time to give a few less fortunate children a chance to skimboard and play at the beach. But […]
Eh Exhibitionist Couple
The cove at Baldwin Beach has every kind of person you could imagine… hippies, hula hoopers, hobos, hotties, hipsters and wholesome families. After a bike ride there last week with my two-year old daughter in the baby seat, I’m less than happy to add “exhibitionist fornicators” to the list. That’s right, you two were standing […]