Sign Language: This weekend Pisces gets to indulge in unrealistic romance

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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) If you were a door-to-door salesperson this week, you’d make a bloody fortune. You can talk anyone into anything right now. Go ahead and convince the bartender to give you free drinks, or your boss to give everyone an extra-long lunch hour. But when it comes to changing someone’s mind about […]

Sign Language: Scorpios picked a bad week to start cheating on their spouses

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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Your fantasy world is about to intersect your real life. Sadly, I don’t mean that Benedict Cumberbatch or Jennifer Lawrence plans on visiting your bedroom this evening. Actually, it’s a bit more negative than that, as whoever you’re screwing is likely to uncover one of your deepest darkest sexual or romantic […]

Sign Language: Cancers need to stop picking at that scab already

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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Just because you get your kicks from pornographic playing cards, pranks, and dirty jokes doesn’t mean you’re immature. You’ve simply never forgotten how to play. Sadly, there are a few assholes prepared to sorely underestimate you, because they don’t get it. Usually, you’d just say, “Screw ‘em,” and leaves these clenched […]

Sign Language: Virgos Will Be Able To See In Infrared This Week

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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Each astrological sign is a sort of reaction to the one preceding it. Thus, in many ways, they’re like opposites. But because they’ve just been there, each tribe has a pretty good understanding of the one before theirs on that good old cosmic wheel. This is why your chief allies can […]

Sign Language: It’s time for Capricorns to learn pole dancing

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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I was poised to type your horoscope when a falling yellow leaf blew in the open window and landed under my fingers on the keyboard, prompting me to rethink exactly how I was going to word this week’s fortune. I’d envisioned something vague and gooey, like, “go with the flow,” but, […]

Sign Language: Aries is finally the belle of the ball

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22 You won’t know you’ve been meandering along the scenic route to your destination until you step off of it, onto a faster path. This involves a bit of rethinking: What exactly are your goals? What are you willing to do to achieve them? Luckily, this is a good week for asking […]

Sign Language: Geminis Should Be Careful Crossing The Street

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Pay attention to the little things. This week will be rife with subtle, significant changes, but unless you’re prepared to notice them, they’ll pass you right by. If you’re waiting for big, explosive action and dramatic twists of fate, you’ll feel like nothing at all happened this week. But if you […]

Sign Language: Libras are weird because they’re so normal

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) I’m too bored to write you a proper horoscope this week. You’re just too damn normal. Your scales are so in synch that there’s nothing for people to latch onto. Where are the extremes, the flaws, the fascinating neuroses and idiosyncrasies? You know what I’m getting at, don’t you? You and […]

Sign Language: Capricorns must control their monkey minds

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Virgos like things clean, especially things that are (unfortunately) prone to be messy, like relationships. Many a Virgo has killed her intimate connections with a compulsive need to clean up messes whenever they reveal themselves, no matter how hard this is or how long it takes. This works fine when you’re […]