Sign Language: Cancers should invest in a good umbrella

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Taurus (April 20-May 20) You know better, but sometimes you go ahead and make bad choices anyway. Why? Because they’re fun. You know sleeping with that person is a bad move, ultimately—but it doesn’t mean it won’t be a blast. If you’re living in the moment, anyway, doesn’t the richness of the present outweigh the […]

Sign Language: Taurans need to stop eating so fast

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Taurus (April 20-May 20) This past year, you’ve gradually reduced the lag-time between knee-jerk reactions and conscious ones. That means you’ve been giving yourself a chance to actually respond to situations with deeper, more long-term truths that stem from head, heart and gut, rather than the raw, animal ones that can sometimes emerge in the […]

Sign Language: Gemini keyboards have too much peanut butter

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Aries (March 21-April 19) You crave greatness, accomplishment, and recognition. In some ways, you were born into a more challenging era than any before. You wish there was new territory to explore, but at this point in the world’s history, there’s almost no place on land that someone hasn’t beaten you to. It’s daunting, my […]

Sign Language: Aries needs to turn around and walk away right now

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Aries (March 21-April 19) You’re like a lawyer with illegally-obtained evidence. You know the guy you’re after is guilty as hell but since you’re not supposed to know, you can’t nail him like he deserves. This is what happens when you don’t act entirely on the up-and-up. If you’ve already buried the bad evidence and […]

Sign Language: Yes Taurans, your boss is out to get you

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Aries (March 21-April 19) Insults are piled atop injury all too often, in your experience. You’ve also frequently gotten kicked while you were down, which really damaged your sense of security. Luckily, this week you get that rarest of experiences: the shining silver flip side of that coin. Don’t waste time wishing that you could […]

Sign Language: If Libras don’t keep it together this week, they’ll have to move to Iowa

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Aries (March 21-April 19) Be careful. You’re even more likely than usual to be swayed by a pretty face this week, and project some really amazing stuff onto it that just isn’t there. It’s not fair to always treat people this way, but to be on the safe side, wait till someone proves himself before […]

Sign Language: Aries can quit begging for food now

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) I guess you’re lucky you haven’t yet figured out how to exactly manifest your latest whimsical dream job, or you’d be stuck in a position as an Advanced Pillow Tester and Inspector, in which you’d scrutinize cushions for plumpness, throwing heft, bite-resistance, and tumble-braking. In other words, the kind of job […]

Sign Language: Virgos will need Grandma’s stewed prunes this week

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  Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) While the Sun illuminates your usually murky domain, things seem clearer than usual, but also larger, more epic and momentous. The dim depths of your soul’s ocean are flooded with light, revealing the myriad nefarious oddities that reside there. All this past month you’ve fidgeted under the dazzling, revealing radiance […]

Sign Language: Pisces should have a pillow fight this week

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Steer things towards a pillow fight. Since you can’t avoid conflict this week, you might as well aim for forms of it that won’t leave you bleeding and devastated. A pillow fight would not only hurt a lot less than the other available alternatives, it might even be fun. So there […]

Sign Language: Pisces need to go home as soon as possible

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Nina Simone (a fellow Piscean) sang, so beautifully: “Like a flower waiting to bloom, like a light bulb in a dark room, I am sitting here waiting for you to come home and turn me on.” That made me think of you, because this kind of longing is a powerful force […]

Sign Language: This week Aries should just turn off the TV already

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) If anyone has hope of overcoming the bullshit True Love Programming we’ve all been trained to believe in, and live by, it’s you, Aquarius. What are the solid elements of partnership, the ones that can outlast the fickle ebb and flow of sexual desire and romantic passion? And how to find […]

Sign Language: Geminis should not get a haircut this week

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Don’t question the ease. When your half-ass efforts yield brilliant results, flow with it. That’s just how your week is. I know how hard you usually have to work for things before you catch a break, so simply accept the sweet deals, the effortless lays, and the winning numbers. You rarely […]

Sign Language: This is the week for Aquarians to be quiet

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Sarcasm will get you nowhere (since those you’re forced to deal with this week are liable to just take you seriously). Neither will flattery, however, because it’s bound to come off as insincere and manipulative. In other words, quiet earnestness, as boring as that may be, is your best ticket to […]

Sign Language: Pisces need more than a kick in the butt this week

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) The obstacle in front of you is much like an elementary school bully. He’s got the advantage of size and aggression, but no clear agenda. So he does stupid-ass shit like stepping side-to-side, to block your path, repeatedly, just to piss you off. There’s nothing you can do to appease him; […]

Sign Language: Pisces May Get A Chance To Use Their Genitals This Week

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You’re likely to reach such a unique and enviable philosophical juncture this week that I wish I could reverse-engineer it, to figure out exactly how you got there, and thus how we could get other people there. I wouldn’t call it enlightenment, exactly. You’re not even close to having all the […]

Sign Language: Cancers need to lay off the butter cookies for a while

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Welcome to the headlines, Capricorn. All of a sudden, your deeds are written in the biggest boldest font on everyone’s personal news page, and your greatest moments are being written up in your crowd’s annals of heroism or infamy. Since you’re astrologically scheduled for this kind of attention in the next […]