Sign Language: Cancers need to check under their bed tonight

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Cancer (June 21-July 22) You’re like the opposite of the princess with the pea. She couldn’t rest because of one tiny irregularity buried beneath her mountain of mattresses. You, on the other hand, have been sleeping like a baby, despite the whole skeleton tucked under your paper-thin futon. Maybe you didn’t put it there. Perhaps […]

Drew Toonz: El Chapo vs Donald Trump!

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Illustration: Andrew Miller

Eh guy who hit the bike rack in Lahaina!

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Eh brah, this goes out to the okole who hit the bike rack in Lahaina with his van, then got out and smiled about it in a half-empty parking lot, blocking all the people who bike to work in the morning. We had to chain up to the other rack by Foodland because we didn’t […]

Drew Toonz: What did Bill Cosby give those sharks?

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Illustration: Andrew Miller

Eh guitar thief at Puamana Park!

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This goes out to the GDSOBPOSMF on a moped who stole my black mini ESP guitar out of my shopping cart while I was asleep at Puamana Park. Hell awaits you! Illustration: Ron Pitts

Drew Toonz: New Haleakala solar telescope is sad!

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Illustration: Andrew Miller

Eh jerk homeowners’ association president!

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Here’s to the jerk homeowners’ association president and his wife at our beautiful condo complex in West Maui. Just because you both inherited several units from your parents, that doesn’t give you the right to treat everyone like crap. You two arrogant a-holes act like you’re Hawaiian royalty and the rest of us here are […]

Sign Language: Just a week of reruns for Sagittarians

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Cancer (June 21-July 22) Didn’t think you could overdose on intimacy did you? You believe in your own stamina, your ability to engage in–relish, even–emotional process for days on end. But how many heart-to-hearts can even your robust organ take before it’s pulped into jelly? This week you may find out, but I hope you’re […]

Drew Toonz: What did P Diddy do with that kettlebell?

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  Illustration: Andrew Miller

Eh woman parking legally in a Pukalani handicapped stall!

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As I was going into Foodland Pukalani, I saw this woman park in the handicapped parking spot and then get into another guy’s car (she did have a handicapped sticker). I asked in a polite voice, “Are you taking the best handicapped parking stall her just to carpool somewhere?” I suggested that if she was […]

Drew Toonz: Why did the lifeguard rescue the old hippy?

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Illustration: Andrew Miller

Sign Language: Cancers need to stop being so nice to mosquitoes

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) The plethora of powerful allies and supporters surrounding you at the moment may seem essentially inconsequential. You could have trouble noticing or appreciating them this week because you feel so weak, soft, and gooey inside. What use are steel girders for propping up marshmallows? How you feel and how you are, […]

Eh guy who found my car keys at Baby Beach!

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A thousand thank you’s to the person who found my keys on Baby Beach, then figured out which car was mine and left them on my front seat! I left the keys hidden on my towel when I went for a run but with the crazy wind that day, my towel was blown into oblivion by […]

Drew Toonz: Selfie Stick Yoga Chic

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Illustration: Andrew Miller

Eh Slipper Thief at Baby Beach!

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To the person who stole my slippers from Baby Beach the other week. You must have really needed them since they were two years old and falling apart. I left them in the sand with everyone else’s. And though it may have appeared that everyone had already left the beach, my car was still parked […]

Sign Language: Cancers should superglue their phones to their hands this week

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) If there wasn’t a grain of truth in what you’ve been accused of or called out on, it wouldn’t bother you in the slightest. It’d just roll off your back. It’s that speck of verity that’s sticking in your craw and keeping you up nights. Still, a grain of truth is […]