NOTW: Guantanamo Bay prison dating, aluminum foil follies and affordable French castles


FROM CUBA, WITH LOVE One of the remaining 116 Guantanamo Bay prisoners (a man suspected of having been close to Osama bin Laden) has a dating profile on captioned “detained but ready to mingle,” the man’s lawyer Carlos Warner told Al Jazeera America in September. Muhammad Rahim al-Afghani has relentlessly proclaimed his innocence, and […]

Quizunderstood: How well do you know Hawaii Gov. David Ige’s decision to go paperless?


1. On Sept. 29, Governor David Ige’s office announced that it will go “paperless” and from now on Ige will sign all documents electronically. About how many documents has Ige signed since he took office? A. 570 B. 720 C. 990 D. 1,180 E. 1,240 2. On Sept. 30, Gov. Ige proclaimed that October would […]

Drew Toonz toasts Maui County Liquor Control Director Frank Silva on his retirement


Illustration: Andrew Miller

Sign Language: Sorry, Virgos – no horoscope for you this week


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) For good or ill, Libras often see things in terms of personal gain. It’s that whole scale thing; you’re constantly weighing, evaluating, and judging. This is how you’ve gotten a reputation as shallow social climbers, who only act out of pure self-interest. I know that’s not truly accurate, of course; just […]

Eh Brah, thanks for egging my car!

Here’s to the juvenile delinquents who stole eggs from their mommy’s refrigerator and thought it would be funny to use my vehicle as a target. You’d better hope that I don’t find out who you are, because you will end up with more than egg on your face… Illustration: Ron Pitts

Sign Language: Pisces should not mow the lawn this week


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) You get it: you have different kinds of connections with different people, and it’s best to just let the connection be what it is rather than impose something else on it. For instance, I rarely have great sex with Taurens–we just don’t click that way–but we generally have a huge mutual […]

Drew Toonz: Pumpkin spice flavor syrup made from GMO corn?


Illustration: Andrew Miller

Sign Language: Libras should not slap the landlord’s kid this week


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Anyone who drives around blasting music at ridiculous decibel levels is an idiot. How presumptuous and obnoxious! It’s not like they’re trying to expose us to some fantastic music—it’s so loud it’s distorted; all you can hear is the bone-shaking bass. The good news: None of these losers is a Libra. […]

Drew Toonz cheers on Braddah Braxton, the tiger shark bite selfie guy


Illustration: Andrew Miller

Eh Brah: Shame on you for stealing from your own kine!


This one is for you and you know who you are! Don’t act like you paid me off when you borrowed big bucks from me nearly 10 years ago. Back then, we were friends–until you ripped off my family by trying to be professional. Enough acting already. You did enough damage to your image, husband, family and […]

Sign Language: Aquarians should enlist in the Danish Clown Army


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) What’s the secret of your success? Always living a balanced, moderate lifestyle and being nice to people? No effing way. Virtually everything admirable, fascinating, or inspiring you’ve done has been during the journeys back to the center from various extremes. Your life may be about creating balance, but don’t get too […]

Quizunderstood: How well do you know Maui Mayor Alan Arakawa’s time in the Boy Scouts?


  1. The Maui County Council’s Land Use Committee is currently considering a fast-track affordable housing project in North Kihei known as the Kenolio Apartments, from Idaho-based Pacific West Communities. How many units are in the project? A. 74 B. 120 C. 152 D. 186 E. 201 2. In October, the Maui County Council of […]

NOTW: Pope mania, Florida’s best courtroom and the hypnolawyer


POPE MANIA Muslim clerics complain of the commercialization of the holy city of Mecca during the annual hajj pilgrimages, but for Pope Francis’ visits to New York, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia in mid-September, shameless street vendors and entrepreneurs already appear to be eclipsing Mecca’s experience. Merchants said they’d be selling, among other tacky items, mozzarella […]

DrewToonz: Donald Trump Fires Miss America!


Illustration: Andrew Miller

Eh Brah: Mahalo to the two guys who fixed my broken fender!


Here’s a huge mahalo to the man on the moped who stopped to take a look at my nearly taken-off front bumper and told me to go to Long’s to get tape. Because of Moped Man’s advice, a bigger mahalo to the gentleman I met at Long’s for helping me put together my fender with […]

Sign Language: It’s up to Libras to free those poor people chained up in the attic

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Virgos either think too much or do too much. Usually, you come to the conclusion early on in life that doing is less dangerous and more useful than thinking, so you tend to focus primarily on that, keeping yourself more busy than any two non-Virgos you know. And thinking has certainly […]