Drew Toonz: New Haleakala solar telescope is sad!

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Illustration: Andrew Miller

Eh jerk homeowners’ association president!

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Here’s to the jerk homeowners’ association president and his wife at our beautiful condo complex in West Maui. Just because you both inherited several units from your parents, that doesn’t give you the right to treat everyone like crap. You two arrogant a-holes act like you’re Hawaiian royalty and the rest of us here are […]

Sign Language: Just a week of reruns for Sagittarians

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Cancer (June 21-July 22) Didn’t think you could overdose on intimacy did you? You believe in your own stamina, your ability to engage in–relish, even–emotional process for days on end. But how many heart-to-hearts can even your robust organ take before it’s pulped into jelly? This week you may find out, but I hope you’re […]

Drew Toonz: What did P Diddy do with that kettlebell?

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  Illustration: Andrew Miller

Eh woman parking legally in a Pukalani handicapped stall!

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As I was going into Foodland Pukalani, I saw this woman park in the handicapped parking spot and then get into another guy’s car (she did have a handicapped sticker). I asked in a polite voice, “Are you taking the best handicapped parking stall her just to carpool somewhere?” I suggested that if she was […]

Drew Toonz: Why did the lifeguard rescue the old hippy?

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Illustration: Andrew Miller

Sign Language: Cancers need to stop being so nice to mosquitoes

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) The plethora of powerful allies and supporters surrounding you at the moment may seem essentially inconsequential. You could have trouble noticing or appreciating them this week because you feel so weak, soft, and gooey inside. What use are steel girders for propping up marshmallows? How you feel and how you are, […]

Eh guy who found my car keys at Baby Beach!

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A thousand thank you’s to the person who found my keys on Baby Beach, then figured out which car was mine and left them on my front seat! I left the keys hidden on my towel when I went for a run but with the crazy wind that day, my towel was blown into oblivion by […]

Drew Toonz: Selfie Stick Yoga Chic

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Illustration: Andrew Miller

Eh Slipper Thief at Baby Beach!

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To the person who stole my slippers from Baby Beach the other week. You must have really needed them since they were two years old and falling apart. I left them in the sand with everyone else’s. And though it may have appeared that everyone had already left the beach, my car was still parked […]

Sign Language: Cancers should superglue their phones to their hands this week

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) If there wasn’t a grain of truth in what you’ve been accused of or called out on, it wouldn’t bother you in the slightest. It’d just roll off your back. It’s that speck of verity that’s sticking in your craw and keeping you up nights. Still, a grain of truth is […]

Eh jerks who trashed our bus stop!

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Eh Brah! Yes, our home is on an intersection where the county has placed a bus stop but that doesn’t mean you can use the bus stop as a garbage dump. Last month, it was your skanky sofa cushions, this week it’s your beat-up sink. Not to mention the daily rubbish stashed in our bushes and thrown over our fence […]

Sign Language: Geminis need to prove that they’re not androids

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) My friends and I like to imagine that at least 80 percent of the population is composed of androids. How else to explain the apathy most people exhibit, and sullen maintenance of the status quo? Where’s the drive to achieve, to create, to be vivid, exciting, beautiful, to make a mark […]

Eh guy with the surfing dog in Maalaea!

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Eh guy with his surfing dog: You offered me a beer and helped drag my aging mom’s stuff down to the beach at Haycraft Park in Ma’alaea. I was having a rough day and you cheered me up. Your dog was waiting at the car and you were hungry. Sorry I only had trail mix to offer you. What […]

Drew Toonz: Hawaiian Airlines made another emergency landing?

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Illustration: Andrew Miller

Sign Language: Gemini heads are toxic and prone to explosions

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) Get out of your head, get into your body. Get out of your head, get into your body. Get out of your head, get into your body. Stop reading this already! This is head bullshit, and it’s no good for you. Go squeeze out a shit, go screw someone, go just […]