Sign Language: Pisces need more than a kick in the butt this week

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) The obstacle in front of you is much like an elementary school bully. He’s got the advantage of size and aggression, but no clear agenda. So he does stupid-ass shit like stepping side-to-side, to block your path, repeatedly, just to piss you off. There’s nothing you can do to appease him; […]

Sign Language: Pisces May Get A Chance To Use Their Genitals This Week

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You’re likely to reach such a unique and enviable philosophical juncture this week that I wish I could reverse-engineer it, to figure out exactly how you got there, and thus how we could get other people there. I wouldn’t call it enlightenment, exactly. You’re not even close to having all the […]

Sign Language: Cancers need to lay off the butter cookies for a while

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Welcome to the headlines, Capricorn. All of a sudden, your deeds are written in the biggest boldest font on everyone’s personal news page, and your greatest moments are being written up in your crowd’s annals of heroism or infamy. Since you’re astrologically scheduled for this kind of attention in the next […]

Sign Language: This week Capricorns should be careful crossing the street

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) You feel pretty safe. Unfortunately, the protective umbrella you’re taking refuge under is no sturdier than a flimsy canvas awning trying to withstand a meteor strike. That’s not to say you’re going to suffer anything as calamitous as a comet collision. But you still might want to take steps, because your […]

Sign Language: Geminis shouldn’t worry about that strange smell

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Just as a migratory bird returns to the same spots each year, its route based on memorized landmarks it learned from its predecessors, you’ve been a creature of habit on a grand scale. That is, you’ve revisited identical mental locations, in the same order, for years now. The hapless fowl does […]

Sign Language: Leos should really have a doctor look at that thing. It’s not getting any better.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) There’s no recipe for the perfect marriage, or ideal child-rearing. Following one formula can only get you so far; individual variances are likely to screw you up along the way no matter what. But two qualities that most successful partnerships and parenting teams possess in abundance are extreme adaptability, and a […]

Sign Language: Geminis shouldn’t hide under the bed for at least a few more days

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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) What if your parents learned about many of the things you do (or have done)? Embarrassing! But that’s only because their value systems are comically outdated, right? Maybe. Maybe not. You’ll likely have at least one idea about Mom/Pop turned on its head this week, as you discover something about their […]

Sign Language: Libras need to just shrug off their failures and move on

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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) There’ll be no deus ex machina here. You won’t find a magic talisman that’ll save your ass. Nor will anyone swoop in to rescue you; in fact, those around you who might be in a position to help are more likely to kick you while you’re down. You’ve got many distant […]

Sign Language: Geminis are spiritual cyborgs

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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) We’re used to rooting for David, not Goliath. We identify more easily with the underdog, which is why you’re probably a bit bewildered to find yourself in a position of power this week. Yep, you’re the giant. That doesn’t mean you’re obligated to begin stomping houses and eating children until the […]

Sign Language: This weekend Pisces gets to indulge in unrealistic romance

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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) If you were a door-to-door salesperson this week, you’d make a bloody fortune. You can talk anyone into anything right now. Go ahead and convince the bartender to give you free drinks, or your boss to give everyone an extra-long lunch hour. But when it comes to changing someone’s mind about […]