Sign Language: Leos should really have a doctor look at that thing. It’s not getting any better.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) There’s no recipe for the perfect marriage, or ideal child-rearing. Following one formula can only get you so far; individual variances are likely to screw you up along the way no matter what. But two qualities that most successful partnerships and parenting teams possess in abundance are extreme adaptability, and a […]

Sign Language: Geminis shouldn’t hide under the bed for at least a few more days

Horoscope_Sign_Language_Image

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) What if your parents learned about many of the things you do (or have done)? Embarrassing! But that’s only because their value systems are comically outdated, right? Maybe. Maybe not. You’ll likely have at least one idea about Mom/Pop turned on its head this week, as you discover something about their […]

Sign Language: Libras need to just shrug off their failures and move on

Horoscope_Sign_Language_Image

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) There’ll be no deus ex machina here. You won’t find a magic talisman that’ll save your ass. Nor will anyone swoop in to rescue you; in fact, those around you who might be in a position to help are more likely to kick you while you’re down. You’ve got many distant […]

Sign Language: Geminis are spiritual cyborgs

Horoscope_Sign_Language_Image

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) We’re used to rooting for David, not Goliath. We identify more easily with the underdog, which is why you’re probably a bit bewildered to find yourself in a position of power this week. Yep, you’re the giant. That doesn’t mean you’re obligated to begin stomping houses and eating children until the […]

Sign Language: This weekend Pisces gets to indulge in unrealistic romance

Horoscope_Sign_Language_Image

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) If you were a door-to-door salesperson this week, you’d make a bloody fortune. You can talk anyone into anything right now. Go ahead and convince the bartender to give you free drinks, or your boss to give everyone an extra-long lunch hour. But when it comes to changing someone’s mind about […]

Sign Language: Scorpios picked a bad week to start cheating on their spouses

Horoscope_Sign_Language_Image

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Your fantasy world is about to intersect your real life. Sadly, I don’t mean that Benedict Cumberbatch or Jennifer Lawrence plans on visiting your bedroom this evening. Actually, it’s a bit more negative than that, as whoever you’re screwing is likely to uncover one of your deepest darkest sexual or romantic […]

Sign Language: Cancers need to stop picking at that scab already

signs_web

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Just because you get your kicks from pornographic playing cards, pranks, and dirty jokes doesn’t mean you’re immature. You’ve simply never forgotten how to play. Sadly, there are a few assholes prepared to sorely underestimate you, because they don’t get it. Usually, you’d just say, “Screw ‘em,” and leaves these clenched […]

Sign Language: Virgos Will Be Able To See In Infrared This Week

signs_web

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Each astrological sign is a sort of reaction to the one preceding it. Thus, in many ways, they’re like opposites. But because they’ve just been there, each tribe has a pretty good understanding of the one before theirs on that good old cosmic wheel. This is why your chief allies can […]

Sign Language: It’s time for Capricorns to learn pole dancing

signs_web

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I was poised to type your horoscope when a falling yellow leaf blew in the open window and landed under my fingers on the keyboard, prompting me to rethink exactly how I was going to word this week’s fortune. I’d envisioned something vague and gooey, like, “go with the flow,” but, […]

Sign Language: Aries is finally the belle of the ball

signs_web

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22 You won’t know you’ve been meandering along the scenic route to your destination until you step off of it, onto a faster path. This involves a bit of rethinking: What exactly are your goals? What are you willing to do to achieve them? Luckily, this is a good week for asking […]