Sign Language: Taurans need to accept that their cat is actually a pineapple

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Like you, I’m a major multitasker. I like surfing the Internet while watching television while playing with the dog while cooking dinner while getting dressed while tidying the room. I am always in the middle of at least 5 books. So I get it. But I also get totally dropping all […]

Sign Language: Pisces should stop trying to be like Big Bird

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) There’s no question you’re full on. You rarely do things halfway; when you discover something new you’re into, you barely do anything else until you’ve exhausted your interest in it. Then you move on to the next thing. A tiny fraction of these exploratory ventures become part of your semi-permanent repertoire; […]

Sign Language: Leos should dip their strawberries in something new

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Try something new. I know you like your tried-and-true roster of winning combinations, but what you’re perfectly happy with day after day and year after year can bore some of those who wish to share it with you. Go ahead, dip your strawberries in a white chocolate balsamic vinegar fondue, or […]

Sign Language: It wouldn’t kill Virgos to be a little nicer this week

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Just because you like things upfront and direct doesn’t mean everyone else does. In fact, some of the people around you are quite devoted to sneaky methods and shady dealings, despite whatever convincingly upright facades they maintain. But they’re hardly going to make you a PowerPoint presentation about all the ways […]

Sign Language: Aquarians need to stop playing in the muck

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Happy accidents rock; some of your best work has resulted from them. Of course, their very nature precludes generating them. They always occur when you’re actually aiming for something else. In other words, stop trying to reproduce your past greatness, “only different.” You’ll strike gold again, I’ve no doubt, but only […]

Sign Language: Capricorns should not buy that mansion this week

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) You’d never guess that your friends and family have heard the bit about letting sleeping dogs lie, from the way they seem bound and determined to consistently disturb your attempts at rest this week. To their credit, they only want to give you a friendly pat, or maybe a vigorously affectionate […]

Sign Language: Cancers need to check under their bed tonight

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Cancer (June 21-July 22) You’re like the opposite of the princess with the pea. She couldn’t rest because of one tiny irregularity buried beneath her mountain of mattresses. You, on the other hand, have been sleeping like a baby, despite the whole skeleton tucked under your paper-thin futon. Maybe you didn’t put it there. Perhaps […]

Sign Language: Cancers have extra crossing-guard work this week

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Cancer (June 21-July 22) It’s summertime. Your life should be about sunshine and abundance right now, not sickly shades of depressing gray. Nevertheless, I see you getting bogged down in the muck of modern complications and implications, because a few of your recent attempts at good deeds generated some shitty negative fallout, through no fault […]

Sign Language: Sagittarians can go ahead and mix the chocolate and the peanut butter

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Cancer (June 21-July 22) This week’s theme: Cancer control issues. Unfortunately for your clutching instinct, the big juicy fish you’re embracing at the moment needs to be held loosely. Squeeze it too tightly and it’ll just freak out and wriggle free, back into the vast ocean, where you’ll never find, let alone recapture, it again. […]

Sign Language: Just a week of reruns for Sagittarians

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Cancer (June 21-July 22) Didn’t think you could overdose on intimacy did you? You believe in your own stamina, your ability to engage in–relish, even–emotional process for days on end. But how many heart-to-hearts can even your robust organ take before it’s pulped into jelly? This week you may find out, but I hope you’re […]

Sign Language: Cancers need to stop being so nice to mosquitoes

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) The plethora of powerful allies and supporters surrounding you at the moment may seem essentially inconsequential. You could have trouble noticing or appreciating them this week because you feel so weak, soft, and gooey inside. What use are steel girders for propping up marshmallows? How you feel and how you are, […]

Sign Language: Geminis should flash their lovers this week

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) Your life is a Theater of the Absurd this week. Only when you are at your freakiest will things go smoothly. In fact, if you do this whole trip well enough, things will go better than smoothly; they’ll accelerate, intensify, and multiply in delicious ways. So go jogging in a ball […]

Sign Language: Cancers should superglue their phones to their hands this week

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) If there wasn’t a grain of truth in what you’ve been accused of or called out on, it wouldn’t bother you in the slightest. It’d just roll off your back. It’s that speck of verity that’s sticking in your craw and keeping you up nights. Still, a grain of truth is […]

Sign Language: Geminis need to prove that they’re not androids

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) My friends and I like to imagine that at least 80 percent of the population is composed of androids. How else to explain the apathy most people exhibit, and sullen maintenance of the status quo? Where’s the drive to achieve, to create, to be vivid, exciting, beautiful, to make a mark […]

Sign Language: Gemini heads are toxic and prone to explosions

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) Get out of your head, get into your body. Get out of your head, get into your body. Get out of your head, get into your body. Stop reading this already! This is head bullshit, and it’s no good for you. Go squeeze out a shit, go screw someone, go just […]

Sign Language: This is the week for Taurans to get naughty

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Taurus (April 20-May 20) Guilty fun is the name of the game this week, so enjoy it. It’s not often that you can get such illicit-seeming thrills from what might otherwise be considered relatively tame activities, if it weren’t for your current situation. Simply laughing out loud can be a naughty pleasure out of all […]