Sign Language: Sagittarians can go ahead and mix the chocolate and the peanut butter

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Cancer (June 21-July 22) This week’s theme: Cancer control issues. Unfortunately for your clutching instinct, the big juicy fish you’re embracing at the moment needs to be held loosely. Squeeze it too tightly and it’ll just freak out and wriggle free, back into the vast ocean, where you’ll never find, let alone recapture, it again. […]

Sign Language: Just a week of reruns for Sagittarians

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Cancer (June 21-July 22) Didn’t think you could overdose on intimacy did you? You believe in your own stamina, your ability to engage in–relish, even–emotional process for days on end. But how many heart-to-hearts can even your robust organ take before it’s pulped into jelly? This week you may find out, but I hope you’re […]

Sign Language: Cancers need to stop being so nice to mosquitoes

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) The plethora of powerful allies and supporters surrounding you at the moment may seem essentially inconsequential. You could have trouble noticing or appreciating them this week because you feel so weak, soft, and gooey inside. What use are steel girders for propping up marshmallows? How you feel and how you are, […]

Sign Language: Geminis should flash their lovers this week

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) Your life is a Theater of the Absurd this week. Only when you are at your freakiest will things go smoothly. In fact, if you do this whole trip well enough, things will go better than smoothly; they’ll accelerate, intensify, and multiply in delicious ways. So go jogging in a ball […]

Sign Language: Cancers should superglue their phones to their hands this week

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) If there wasn’t a grain of truth in what you’ve been accused of or called out on, it wouldn’t bother you in the slightest. It’d just roll off your back. It’s that speck of verity that’s sticking in your craw and keeping you up nights. Still, a grain of truth is […]

Sign Language: Geminis need to prove that they’re not androids

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) My friends and I like to imagine that at least 80 percent of the population is composed of androids. How else to explain the apathy most people exhibit, and sullen maintenance of the status quo? Where’s the drive to achieve, to create, to be vivid, exciting, beautiful, to make a mark […]

Sign Language: Gemini heads are toxic and prone to explosions

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Gemini (May 21-June 20) Get out of your head, get into your body. Get out of your head, get into your body. Get out of your head, get into your body. Stop reading this already! This is head bullshit, and it’s no good for you. Go squeeze out a shit, go screw someone, go just […]

Sign Language: This is the week for Taurans to get naughty

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Taurus (April 20-May 20) Guilty fun is the name of the game this week, so enjoy it. It’s not often that you can get such illicit-seeming thrills from what might otherwise be considered relatively tame activities, if it weren’t for your current situation. Simply laughing out loud can be a naughty pleasure out of all […]

Sign Language: Virgos will have fun this week

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Taurus (April 20-May 20) Expect hidden but powerful allies this week. Don’t expect them to show their faces, though. They’re secret supporters, the kind who anonymously dump money into your bank account or send thugs to “help” your ex-boyfriend move out, finally. Play a big game; you’re officially a badass now. You can get away […]

Sign Language: Geminis need to get naked more often

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Taurus (April 20-May 20) Sometimes the only way to get to know someone is to get thrown into a situation where you’re sort of stuck with them. I’ve found that often when I’m forced to push past the things that annoy me about a person, I end up liking them far more than the people […]

Sign Language: Cancers should invest in a good umbrella

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Taurus (April 20-May 20) You know better, but sometimes you go ahead and make bad choices anyway. Why? Because they’re fun. You know sleeping with that person is a bad move, ultimately—but it doesn’t mean it won’t be a blast. If you’re living in the moment, anyway, doesn’t the richness of the present outweigh the […]

Sign Language: Taurans need to stop eating so fast

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Taurus (April 20-May 20) This past year, you’ve gradually reduced the lag-time between knee-jerk reactions and conscious ones. That means you’ve been giving yourself a chance to actually respond to situations with deeper, more long-term truths that stem from head, heart and gut, rather than the raw, animal ones that can sometimes emerge in the […]

Sign Language: Gemini keyboards have too much peanut butter

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Aries (March 21-April 19) You crave greatness, accomplishment, and recognition. In some ways, you were born into a more challenging era than any before. You wish there was new territory to explore, but at this point in the world’s history, there’s almost no place on land that someone hasn’t beaten you to. It’s daunting, my […]

Sign Language: Aries needs to turn around and walk away right now

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Aries (March 21-April 19) You’re like a lawyer with illegally-obtained evidence. You know the guy you’re after is guilty as hell but since you’re not supposed to know, you can’t nail him like he deserves. This is what happens when you don’t act entirely on the up-and-up. If you’ve already buried the bad evidence and […]

Sign Language: Yes Taurans, your boss is out to get you

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Aries (March 21-April 19) Insults are piled atop injury all too often, in your experience. You’ve also frequently gotten kicked while you were down, which really damaged your sense of security. Luckily, this week you get that rarest of experiences: the shining silver flip side of that coin. Don’t waste time wishing that you could […]

Sign Language: If Libras don’t keep it together this week, they’ll have to move to Iowa

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Aries (March 21-April 19) Be careful. You’re even more likely than usual to be swayed by a pretty face this week, and project some really amazing stuff onto it that just isn’t there. It’s not fair to always treat people this way, but to be on the safe side, wait till someone proves himself before […]