The folks in the LC have been called many things—unfair, capricious, inept. Let me add “kinky” to the list.
If you’re ever bored (like really, really bored), read through the LC rulebook (go to www.co.maui.hi.us and click on “Departments,” “Liquor Control” to download). Just when your eyes start glossing over, you’ll arrive at a section appropriately titled “Special conditions” (§08-101-23). Without warning, a dry government document crammed with jumbled legalese morphs into Savage Lust, a trashy grocery store novel featuring a bare chested Fabio look-alike on the cover.
Here’s a quick rundown of some of the words and phrases that pop up in the “Special conditions” section and how often they appear: anus (nine times); genitals (seven times); breast (ten times); buttocks (eight times); areola (six times); vulva (five times); masturbation, sodomy, beastiality and flagellation (twice each); and my personal favorite, making just one glorious appearance: “artificial pubic hair.” I’ve been to some pretty wild parties; never have I seen someone sporting fake pubes.
As you’ve no doubt guessed (if you managed to stop giggling long enough to think it over), the “Special conditions” are related to standards of decency in liquor-selling establishments. The irony is that even as they try with all their might to prevent indecent activity, these rules read like the late night scribblings of a repressed pervert who’s had one too many peach daiquiris.
OK, OK—it makes sense that if you want to prevent certain acts from taking place you have to use language that describes those acts. But I just have this gut feeling that whoever wrote, “No licensee shall encourage or permit any person on the licensed premises to touch, caress or fondle the breast, buttocks, anus or genitalia of any other person, whether directly or through the clothing or any other material,” did so with a creepy little grin on his face.