Just about every week for the past dozen years or so, MauiTime has run a column called Eh Brah! It’s simple: readers write to us about some parasite or good-for-nothing who’s harmed them (or some good samaritan who assisted them) and then we run it–with all names and identifying details removed–with a funny cartoon. It’s probably our most popular feature, and rightly so.
This year, as in years past, we’ve collected a few extra that just seem a bit wilder than usual. So sit back and enjoy–Maui may be a small island, but people here can get into some big scrapes. (As always, please send your anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations–200 words or less, which we reserve the right to edit–to Eh Brah!, c/o MauiTime, 16 S. Market St., Ste 2K, Wailuku, HI 96793 or email them to ehbrah@mauitime.com).
Mahalo!
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Eh, you three boys on dirt bikes, tearing it up on Sunday morning. Have fun, whatevah. But why did you ride through the cemetery of our kupuna? In fact, the second guy gunned it not three feet away from Choy Kee, and the third tore up tire tracks right over the iwi of Tam Yau and a whole family next to them. You ignored me trying to flag you back–probably because you knew you did wrong! Those remains have been resting for nearly 100 years. Ke Akua help you, I’m praying for your safety now. You are just thoughtless boys, but you need to learn respect!
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To the construction crew that came by, thanks so much for filling our potholes (ok, craters). You were amazing–you had spent all day paving on a nearby job, then came over with what you had leftover and helped fill in the holes on our street. You went above and beyond your jobs, on a Friday, to help us out. Hui Road F can now be taken off the list of the worst roads on Maui. Thanks!
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I was sitting in my van, parked in Hali‘imaile, reading the Sunday paper when you drove up with your sour faces and began to harass me for being parked where I had permission to be. Since I was quite busy while waiting for evening prayer service at my church, I would suggest that it’s you who needs to get a life and not myself. I will pray for you. Please try aloha, because love works.
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To the young man working the snack cart: where is your aloha? I had just stopped by after seeing a doctor, and my throat was really dry. I asked you for a small cup of ice, and you charged me 25 cents. First, where do you buy your paper cups? You can do better than four for $1. Second, where is your gratitude for having such a sweet spot to sell your sandwiches? You have a huge number people walking by to sell to, all day, every day. And yet you couldn’t find the generosity to give a thirsty old lady a paper cup of ice without charging for it? Greedy boy, not so nice!
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Eh, helicopter pilot: why are you flying so low when going over Upcountry? Whatever you’re doing, you’re so low that you’re upsetting our animals. In fact, what are you doing up there? Taking photos? Peeping in windows? Whatever it is, please fly a bit higher in the future–there’s no reason for you to be buzzing us!
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I was meditating in preparation to teach a Reiki class. My black backpack was in plain view on my massage table. But a few minutes into the meditation, Spirit told me my backpack was gone. I turned around, and that’s when I saw you, a young man, about 100 yards away, moving swiftly toward the new “tent city” in the woods behind Baldwin Beach. I was in my “zone,” so I didn’t chase you. But then I realized that my car was vulnerable, because my spare keys were in my bag. So I cleared out other valuables from the car so you couldn’t steal those, too. But my phone, glasses and all my Reiki materials (including my rose quartz) were in the pack. I asked a couple locals and they told me, “ya, it’s getting BAD brah. These guys are BAD NEWS and bad for Maui!” Then later, I found out that you deleted all my irreplaceable pictures, my contacts (including my precious clients) and tried selling my phone for $20! Fortunately, the guy you tried selling it to had you call his phone, and he knew me. Then you raised the price to $40! Nonetheless, he bought it for me. I’m hoping that powerful crystal and all the Reiki materials help you come into your heart.
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Eh, crazy blonde lady visiting to do some kite boarding. You were so loud and entitled since you got here that you have us all kiters begging for duct tape. And when your inexperienced husband was way out there and got in trouble, you decided to yell at a fellow student to go get him as she launched. When, in my humble opinion, I suggested to call 911 instead of sending newbies on a rescue mission, you called me a “murderer” and started ranting to all my people at the beach. Hey, on this side of the planet, people talk, and barking is for dogs.
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Eh brah in the pink Pepto Bismol truck: great job trapping me in your parking lot after my girlfriend and I explained that we were doing a stop to pick up some antibiotics for a friend. Thank goodness for the gentlemen in the truck who saw what happened and moved so we could get out. Next time, be more careful!
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This is for the tall, slender, sun-burned woman who was wearing her hair in a white turban and driving a battered and scratched car in Kahului: You parked your car in a clearly-painted red zone to do business at the dry cleaners. This made it impossible for another guy and me to back our vehicles out of our [legal] parking spaces. We both waited, and waited. We tried to maneuver around your illegally-parked car. No success. Then the other guy finally went inside and told you to move your car. When you finally came out and moved your car I told you that you were the most inconsiderate driver I had encountered all day. That’s because I saw you a few minutes earlier at a different location, driving like a mad-woman through another parking lot. But you just looked at me and asked if I was from the Mainland. Listen Sunshine, where we’re from is irrelevant–in any case, your accent clearly wasn’t local so you’re one to talk. Anyway, as I told you, the curb you were parked in front of is red for a reason. Just because this is Maui, that’s no excuse for you to inconvenience other drivers. If you keep parking like you did in front of me, don’t be surprised if someone else has a problem with you. Oh, and the “aloha” sticker on the back of your car was a nice touch. It really fit with your snotty attitude.
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To the “polite” drivers of Maui: Stop it! When you drive to an intersection without a light, and then wait for the person turning left who has a stop sign, you’re making it dangerous for other drivers. First, you make the person at the stop sign feel obligated to drive illegally through the stop sign. Second, you make it unsafe for anyone else going through the intersection driving the legal way. We all got licenses from the same people at the DMV and at that point we agreed to certain rules of the road, so stop trying to be polite (which translates into being a condescending butthole on the road who makes it unsafe for other drivers). Start driving the proper way! What you need to do is look up the legal definition of “right of way” and memorize it. You can get a Driver’s Manual at the drugstore. I know this may seem terribly impolite, but I’d rather be rude than dead! I mean, you seriously stop for somebody when they have a stop sign? If you did that during your driver’s test, the tester would say, “pull a U-turn. You fail.”
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To the entitled scum who felt they could help themselves to the beautiful silver metal Hibiscus trailer hitch cover that I’ve had on the back of my truck for over 10 years: you suck. Though I must say that you must have had to work really hard to remove it. Hopefully, someone else will come along and steal it from you someday. Karma’s a bitch.
Cover art and illustrations: Ron Pitts
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