Seriously?! You come to my house as a guest and then boosted my wallet when I left you alone a few moments. The money you can have, it’s not an issue to replace, but does your pathetic ass have a clue what a hassle it is to replace bank cards and IDs? Not to mention replacing my trust in strangers, and my poor housemates’ stress for bringing your waste of a life here. If you have any dignity whatsoever, maybe you’ll take a second out of your thieving and drop my ID and license in the mailbox. Mele Kalikimaka!
Illustration by Ron Pitts