Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Stop obsessing about freedom. It’s great on many levels, but it’s not always what it’s cracked up to be. It might not even be necessarily what you want and need right now. You’re pulling a the-grass-is-greener-where-I’m-not head trip, all the while not noticing the emerald-hued shades covering your eyes. Of course it looks verdant and promising over there. Take off the filters and walk over, and you’ll find that it’s as brown and crab-grass covered as your own lawn. By then, though, it’d be too late–walking away from this kind of thing is rarely reversible. Consider sticking around. Spread some new seed and fertilizer; if you still think your neighbor’s lot is better in a month, head on over there then.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It never fails. Your birthday season swings around, and for some perverse reason everyone chooses this time of year to dump on you. Luckily, what they’re dishing out now is dramatically different from what you’ve received in years past. The annual Bitchfest is hereby redubbed a Lovefest. Prepare to be showered with affection, praise, respect, and gifts. Bask in it, baby. Don’t let waking up on the wrong side of the bed, or the one or two sour notes in the mix, ruin things for you. This is potentially as sweet as things get, so make sure you enjoy it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I sleep better during a storm. The rumble of thunder and the slapping stutter of a hard rain makes me feel cozy and safe in my warm, dry bed. I’m lulled and comforted by all that ferocity just outside my window. Sometimes, when things are quiet, it’s perversely difficult to find that kind of serenity. That’s your problem this week. The tranquility that surrounds you only makes your most unpleasant thoughts louder by contrast. Not that you ought to endeavor to drown them out completely. However, immersing yourself in a bit more noise and activity, so they have to fight to be heard, may give you some perspective on how important (or not) they actually are.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Who’s your daddy? Where’s your momma? These are vital questions for you this week; you need to get in touch with whomever embodies these energies in your life at the moment–whether they’re your actual parents or not. It’s important to check in with these sweet sources of authority, wisdom, and love every once in a while, especially for you Virgos, who can so easily get caught up in the bustle of life and forget what actually matters. You suck at reminding yourself about that important shit when you’re this busy (which is almost always), so these guys have their work cut out for them. Luckily, they know it. Let them do their job. All you’ve got to do is show up, and listen.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Let someone else drive the car–literally and figuratively. This should be easy for you; you’re no control freak. Just relax, close your eyes, and allow someone to steer. That’s the easy part. Of course, the hard part is deciding just who that someone ought to be. Choose well; your next road trip is apt to be quite a long one. Don’t select the exciting and sexy sprinter who’s first on your list, despite the temptation; instead pick the person who’s good for the long haul, in varied terrain, and who’s more likely to be able to cope with your myriad moods, not just the one you’re in at the moment.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Tossing your nets into the sea is an act of faith. Beyond choosing the right spots to let them loose, you have almost no control over what comes back. You might get some big fish, a desperate drowning dolphin, or a chunk of floating trash. In other words, don’t count on being fed this week; spiritual nourishment is no more likely (or less likely) than a mess for you to clean up, or a lost soul for you to help. The only way to avoid any of this–good or bad–is to keep your nets dry and not try to catch anything at all.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Throughout your life, you’ve struggled to choose between two potential responses to volatile situations: anger, or magnanimous forgiveness. You’re big enough to throw your weight around effectively, but you’re also big enough (spiritually) to forgive and forget. This week’s conundrum is a toss-up; you could really handle it either way, which is why it’s so hard to decide which approach would be the best. Allow me to help you choose. Instead of considering things just from your perspective, try to see what’s best for the person at the heart of the problem. Would they benefit more from discipline or absolution? Now the answer’s obvious, right?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your Sagittarian brethren may have the option of forgiving and forgetting, but you don’t, at least not this week. When someone tries to walk all over you (or even hints that they might want to), nip that shit in the bud. You’ve got too much power and pride to serve as doormat on any level right now. There are times when you’re required to bend and compromise; this, however, isn’t one of them. You’re likely to lose it should a footprint mar the back of your shirt. And we know what happens when you snap: explosions, big ones. Relationship-leveling TNT. Avoid that kind of mess by standing straight and tall and declaring to all and sundry: You can’t walk here. Go around.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
What am I supposed to do with you? You’ve developed a horribly annoying habit of ignoring advice lately (and not just mine). You know best, huh? Well, maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not. Only time will tell whether your way is really better than the highway. So you’re not prepared to gamble on anything other than your own hunches. Fine. I may not know your best bet as well as you do, but I do know this: If you continue to ask for counsel and then not heed it, some of those whose words you spurn won’t bother to offer them (or anything) next time around.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You Fish wear many hats comfortably. Problem is, you’ve only got one head, and donning more than two or three at a time becomes embarrassing and unwieldy. If only you had more than one head. This week, you do, sort of: a handful of willing and at least partially-able assistants who are ready to try on any hat you hand them. Sure, none of them is likely to do as good a job as you would on your best day. But they’ll probably do better than you would if you had to tackle all their tasks at once. Delegate. Everyone will do their best. The result won’t be perfect, or all you hoped for, but it’ll still be better than you expected.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Just remember that old saw: the bigger they come, the harder they fall. It’s supposed to give you courage when you’re up against that implacable fat foe once again this week. Their metaphorical girth is daunting and scary, but you’re spiritually lean, and more than a match for their waddling might. Perhaps this all sounds a bit too epic to describe what you’re actually facing and going through–possibly a petty dispute with your landlord or an ongoing quarrel with a coworker–but it might help to think of it as something legendary. Whip out your slingshot, David. Goliath is going down.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
How many doctors actually give a shit about their patients? Yeah, I’m sure they care on some level–but how many care enough to offer their help to people regardless of ability to pay? Not many. No one ought to work for free all the time; that’s not what I’m suggesting. But not doing anything without money in the hand? That’s messed up. Consider your own motivations. Naturally, some of them need to revolve around getting your bills paid–but if all of them do, something’s seriously wrong. That can’t feel good, either. This week, if your attitude needs fixing, attend to it, please.
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