Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Procrastinating now would be stupid. Even more so than usual; simply delaying one extra day would mean the difference between success and complete, mortifying failure. Being laidback, patient, or lazy at this point could cost you everything on the table, and then some. If you can possibly act now, do it. Waiting only makes the situation less viable, more likely to explode in your face. This week’s astrological influences are positively screaming: “Now or never!” Get off your hot little ass and make it happen immediately; if you go for it later, instead, you’ll just be knocked right back on it.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancers aren’t particularly materialistic, but there’s no denying you like being comfortable. However, this week you need to shed even your penchant for coziness, because almost everything important you could get up to lies well outside your comfort zone. Oddly, the main challenge here is not getting stuck on missing some of the amenities (emotional or practical) you’re used to (or worse, whining about their absence). Once you’ve finally accepted that you’ll need to get your hands dirty and work up a sweat, with only a cold shower to look forward to afterwards, the rest will be a piece of cake.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re the skinny kid who’s been taking the long way home from school, to avoid the bullies who threaten you daily. Consequently, you’ve been missing out on a lot, and not just your favorite afternoon cartoon. But luckily this week you’ve got someone on your side who’s able to stand up to those you can’t face–they might even be one of the former bullies. Sticking to your safe, self-damaging habits despite this alliance isn’t doing it, or yourself, justice. Take the short route home from school and add some things back into your life that you’ve been missing, because now you can.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Sometimes you simply rub some picky people the wrong way. It has nothing to do with your value as a person. Maybe it’s some kind of chemical pheromonal thing. In certain folk, you produce instant irritation. I don’t know why you’d let it bother you so much, though. This phenomenon happens to everyone (you actually suffer it less frequently than nearly every other sign). This week might be challenging, as you’re likely to be forced to interact, at length, with one of those who finds you irksome. Don’t let it get to you, since there’s nothing you can do about it (and trying only makes things worse). Just be yourself. Nine times out of ten, these guys come around when they’re forced to; once they get used to your scent, they might find they actually like you quite a lot.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You know that feeling–you finally see an over-hyped film and are kind of let down because it fails to live up to your enhanced expectations. The bad news is that right now you are that film. It’s not that you’re bad–just not quite living up to what people expected of you, so they’re more likely to focus on all the ways you let them down instead of all the things you did magnificently. Fortunately, unlike a film, you’re a work in progress, not a finished piece. So even though you’re battling unreasonable expectations, you can still keep striving to get closer to them.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Screw your reputation as a badass. You have nothing to prove: We already know you’re strong, and definitely not a quitter by nature. But does that mean you have to be stupid? All signs indicate that you need to retreat from this battle. Back off. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, just that this particular scenario isn’t meant to be. If you try to force it, you’ll simply fail spectacularly, and look really stupid in the process. Please, baby, let go of the ego bullshit. Heed the advice of your friends, family, and me, and call it quits, just this once.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Diligently avoid relying on luck this week. That bad habit of yours could get you crushed under a bus or something, as Murphy’s Law is powerfully in effect at the moment. You can’t prevent the countless minor accidents that will befall you–bumping into doorframes, tripping over cracks in the sidewalk, and stepping on toes left and right. Don’t sweat it; these are forgivable and reparable offenses–unlike dying. Avoid dangerous situations this week—and that includes crossing the street against the light. Just play it safe for once, since luck isn’t especially on your side. Who knows? It might be an interesting change of pace.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I’m sure, in your most frightened moments, you wish you could put a magic forcefield around yourself. It would shield you from fire, flood, heartache, and flu. But in your bravest moments you know that even if you could protect yourself from these things (and you can, to some extent), life without risk isn’t all that fulfilling, interesting, or worthwhile. There are times to be cautious, and times to put it all on the line. You know which this is. You’re walking the narrow line between boldness and cowardice, but you can’t keep doing it. You’ll fall off (into fear) or step off (towards courage) any minute now. Which you do is up to you.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’re from such different worlds that you have trouble recognizing what’s special about the other. You’re a scarab, they’re a spider. Sure, you blundered into their web, but you’re too big for them to eat. And their eyes aren’t equipped to notice the iridescent prettiness of your shell. Your encounter might simply be an unfortunate coincidence, not kismet (as you’ve both been fantasizing). But what the hell do I know? Well, I know this: unless you really start to understand them–and vice versa, naturally–you’re screwed. Take a class, get counseling, dosomething–or just give it up.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Admit it, you cultivate mystery. It’s partially a defense mechanism; if you shroud yourself in smoke and mirrors, no one ever gets to realize or notice that you don’t quite understand yourself. It’s nothing to be ashamed of; but it is something to cop to. Blaming someone for not being able to wrap their head around what you’re about is hardly fair, considering it’s beyond your own capability as well. I’m not asking that you unravel the enigma that is you (as if that was possible). I’m just asking that you forgive others for being unable to do so.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re being held back by rubber bands, thousands of them. Stretchy emotional elastic is preventing you from going where you want to go and doing what you want to do. You’re only just realizing it’s there; before now, that flexibility imparted the illusion of freedom. Now that you know the truth, you’ve got a choice: Can you live within the admittedly spacious and flexible confines your bonds define? After all, you didn’t even notice them until now. Or should you snap those metaphorical rubber bands? You’re certainly more than strong enough, but be warned: if you choose this route, it’s going to hurt, at both ends.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Why you’re trying to tone down your idiosyncrasies is beyond me–it’s not like you’re the weirdest weirdo out there. It’s also not likely that anyone who’s lucky enough to get to be intimate with you won’t find out about them anyway. If they’re going to be repulsed or frightened by what isn’t very repulsive or frightening, wouldn’t it be better that you found out now, before you got more involved? I say wear your freakhood badge on your sleeve. It might mean fewer people are interested in you. But you could also look at it another way: those remaining are interested in you.
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