Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Geminis are generally quite well-adjusted people. Your dual nature is rife with internal checks and balances: You’re sick, but at least you’re funny; self-absorbed, but affectionate; overly-talkative, but entertaining; spoiled but generous; picky but adventurous, and so on… However, this array of internal contrasts can be incredibly confusing to some simpler folk who only believe in or are one thing at a time. Because you actually need a few of these dolts on your side (or at least doing your bidding), help them. Dumb down your self-presentation so they can actually wrap their tiny minds around it.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sand fleas. Your week is infested with them. You’ve developed your emotional buffer zone; emotional tides no longer seriously erode your shoreline of self-belief. But all that work won’t help you now; there are no floods expected, only a plague of pests, metaphorical sand fleas biting your ankles and tender places and making you itchy and bitchy. There’s not much to be done; this isn’t a beach you can simply walk away from. These tenacious critters are likely to come with you in any case. There’s only one thing you can do: Marshal your patience, sit down, and pick them off, one by one. Whether you crush or drown them is up to you.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Felling a tree requires tremendous stamina and effort, especially one as old and thick as the one before you. However, you require more than determination. Without the proper tools you’re screwed. Right now you’re equipped with a puny steak knife, bound to snap before you’ve properly penetrated the bark. Luckily there are better tools that can help you get the job done. Be careful who you choose, though. Avoid the top-notch superstar. They may be the metaphorical equivalent of a chainsaw, but they work solo and break down or runs out of fuel easily. A better choice might be the pair of good old-fashioned ax-wielding lumberjacks who don’t need to shine and are just happy to get the job done.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You may not realize this, but the first impression most people get of you is of a very high-maintenance person. It’s partially accurate; after all, you are one. What isn’t immediately apparent, however, is that your maintenance routines are almost completely self-contained. In other words, what you and I know and they don’t is that you’re very good at taking care of nearly all your own needs, as well as accepting some of the burdens those around you carry. The new people who are just getting to know you need to know this about you, too, and fast, or they’ll ditch you for someone who seems easier to handle (but actually isn’t).
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’re not a storm-the-gate type. Flat-out attacking a fortress, like the one before you, just isn’t your style, what with all the flying arrows, boiling oil, and moat full of raw sewage and attack mermaids. You’re much more likely to lay in a quiet siege. Starve them out. You’re patient. Eventually, whoever you’re trying to get to has got to open up, right? Nope. Not this time. There’s too much pride lurking inside those metaphorical castle walls. They’re not going to let you in until you’ve shown them that you really want it bad. In other words, unless you make a convincing show of trying to scale the battlements or batter down the door, they’ll starve before they let you in.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Every one of your exes still masturbates to your memory. It doesn’t matter if you ended on horrible terms, screaming filthy curses at each other, or if you never saw each other again after that final bout of break-up sex. I can virtually guarantee they still think about you. This is one of your superpowers. Don’t abuse it. However, because wielding your magical ability to make a permanent sexual imprint on someone can yield a win-win this week, please do so.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Watch your weight, baby. You’ve got to stay fit and lean for this summer’s adventures. Unfortunately, this week’s astrological influences aren’t going to help you in this department. If you don’t develop some serious resistance you’re going to have to buy a bigger, looser clothing soon. I know I’m not painting a pretty picture here, but I’ve got to keep it real. It’s an easy choice, really. Watch: butter and chocolate now, or sex and excitement all summer.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Caps are the fiercest partiers in the zodiac. Yeah, Scorpios appear to be more dangerous, and Aries are certainly louder. But no one knows how to turn it up better than you; it’s that whole work hard, play hard thing. With next week’s astrological influences dosing your sign with three different flavors of intoxication, you’re in for some wild times, and you’ll probably end up playing harder than you have yet this year. You know what that means at the moment, though, right? If you want to rock out with your metaphorical cock out next week, you need to press it to the grindstone this one.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aren’t you forgetting something? It feels like it might be something obvious, right? Like leaving your house without pants on. Get used to the nagging feeling that you’re missing something big. It’s astrologically-induced. What you’ve actually forgotten (or perhaps procrastinated about so long you delusionally thought it went away) isn’t your sunglasses, wallet, or house key. It’s a little something you were supposed to say or do ages ago. The reason the stars are plaguing you now is that it’s almost too late. Either you do it right now, whether you’re “ready” or not, or you kick yourself at least until 2020.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
A stand of saplings has sprouted up in your spiritual backyard. They’re pretty, but they’re blocking sunlight from hitting your house, and, more importantly, the garden you need to survive. They’ve got to go, no matter what. Whether any trees need to die, though, is up to you; they’re still small enough to dig up and transplant, if you’re willing to put in the time and effort. Which will you inflict on these saplings: tremendous suffering (and possible survival), or a quick death? It’s a tough choice, but do all concerned a favor by making it consciously, and not by default.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You, you, you you. You you, you you you, you you. You you. You and more you. Pretty boring, right? Don’t do it to people around you, please. We already know it’s all about you. Driving the point home is just plain obnoxious, and not even in an endearing way. Given this week’s astrological influences, it might be difficult to imagine that everyone you know isn’t fascinated by whatever strokes of fantastic or horrible fortune have lately befallen you. They’re not interested, though, at least not as consistently or passionately as you think. We love you, dearly, but this kind of babble is best reserved for your therapist or diary. Give us what we want, darling: the lowdown, not the breakdown.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I love the way a ripe, juicy peach tastes after a day in the ocean, the sharp sweet tang as it washes the salt from my mouth. I only mention it because you’re fruit this week, too. Not in any tacky slangy way, but in exactly this one: you have the power to provide a refreshing and satisfying contrast to the bitter ocean most of the people you know are stuck swimming in all day, with just a joke or a smile. You can’t imagine how much they need (and will appreciate) what you have to offer. Please don’t deny them.
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