[Note: This is a dramatization of a recent event involving a licensed massage therapist on Maui who openly advertises the benefits of “breast massage.” While some of the dialogue and description has been changed, everything said and done by the therapist—who we’ll call “HANS OLIVER”—as expressed below actually occurred. What’s more, he said and did these things while in the presence of reporter Ynez Tongson, who had previously made clear to him that she was there to report on the event for Maui Time. Enjoy.]
CAST
BLISS: An extremely buxom, free-spirited woman seeking pleasure, breast health and a good massage on the island of Maui. She has waist length brown hair and large brown eyes that implore a tantalizing combination of innocence and sexual know-how.
HANS OLIVER: A middle-aged licensed massage therapist who is of average height and build. He has a calming presence and speaks in a soothing voice.
YNEZ TONGSON: A reporter with a keen eye, funky style, quick sense of humor and voyeuristic tendencies. Her phenomenal cleavage is accentuated with a tattoo that teases the viewer as her multiple piercings pull people in for a closer look. She wears black knee-high boots with everything and is a friend to BLISS.
STARR BEGLEY: The Associate Editor of Maui Time Weekly. She doubles as a dominatrix on the weekends and wields the delete button on manuscripts like a flogger on naked flesh. She has short black hair and stands nearly six feet tall.
SCENE 1
It’s 10 a.m. Monday morning at the Maui Time Weekly office. We see STARR sitting behind a large mahogany desk. She is wearing a black corset under a white button-down men’s shirt that’s dangerously unbuttoned exposing copious amounts of creamy cleavage. Red stilettos adorn her feet, accentuating her lips, which are painted a similar glossy color. HANS is standing in front of her desk requesting that the paper write a story about the health benefits of breast massage.
STARR (Gives HANS an appraising glance then responds in a husky voice): Breast massage? I don’t know about that, cowboy. It’s so scandalous!”
HANS: Breast massage is very healthy for women.
STARR (Trailing an ice-cube from her morning scotch on the rocks along her throat): Now, now, HANS… Are you implying that the benefits will knock my panties straight off?
HANS gives STARR a stack of papers containing data in support of the benefits of breast massage and a gift certificate good for $75 toward his services before walking toward the door.
HANS: Feel free to call me with any questions. You’ve got my contact information.
EXIT HANS
STARR taps a manicured fingernail to her lip as a suggestion of thought. Her lips curl up into a wicked smile as she flips open her cell phone and punches in a number.
STARR (Into phone): Ynez? How are you darling? Have I got a story for you…
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE 2
We see BLISS and YNEZ sitting in a steel gray BMW Z4 convertable going through the packet of papers that HANS OLIVER had left with STARR.
BLISS (giggling): Full-hand stroking.
YNEZ (eyes wide): Lifting and pumping!
BLISS (visibly becoming flushed): Thumbstroking.
YNEZ: Jiggling… (groans auudibly) Vibrating.
The girls stop reading, caught in an unexpected moment of arousal.
YNEZ: It says right here that breasts that are never suckled, fondled or massaged are more at risk for stagnating lymphatic flow.
BLISS (caressing her own breasts): Well, I wouldn’t want that, now would I?
YNEZ (watches BLISS’ hands as though in a trance then shakes her head, breaking the spell. Clears throat.): Looky here! Fun fact… Catholic nuns have the highest rate of breast cancer.
BLISS: I want my boobs massaged right now. You’re gonna come with me, right?
YNEZ: Oh, I’m gonna come with you all right.
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE 3
The office of HANS OLIVER. We see a massage table on one side of the room and a makeshift-office area on the other side. The far wall is papered with certificates. BLISS and YNEZ hold hands while facing HANS who is dressed in all white.
HANS: Hello. Who’s here for the massage?
BLISS: That would be me. Ynez just likes to watch and write about it later. (Trailing a finger down YNEZ’s cheek) Her work is always so… moving.
HANS: I’ve got some paperwork for you to fill out while I explain the procedure.
BLISS (Beginning to fill out paperwork): Talk to me, baby.
HANS: …the body will be pumped… Navel… Armpit… Breasts… Thighs… Buttocks… (To BLISS) Is it all right for me to touch the nipple area?
BLISS: Yes!
HANS: There will be some labia pulling. Are you all right with that?
BLISS: God, Yes! Give me the sensual massage, please! Life is too short for a cold clinical massage.
HANS: The sensual massage includes full body stroking. The clinical does not.
BLISS: Hurry. I want it now!
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE 4
The office of HANS OLIVER. BLISS and YNEZ are present. The music slows and we watch as the screen splits into eight sections while BLISS disrobes. The sections allow us to watch her strip from every angle.
YNEZ: Wow. This whole thing kind of feels like a cheesy porno.
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE 5
BLISS is lying on the massage table. YNEZ is seated on a stool watching with feverish eyes as HANS kneads BLISS’ ample breasts like dough.
HANS: I have been practicing massage on my girlfriends since 1974.
BLISS: I love an experienced man.
HANS: Women with implants need to make a special effort to have their breasts massaged.
BLISS: I’m sure they could find a volunteer. Let’s not talk about imposter tits. Let’s focus on my voluptuous, natural rack.
HANS: There’s no clinical reason that the nipple needs to be left out of breast massage, although the arousal rate makes some women uncomfortable.
BLISS (panting): Hans? May I ask you something? Are my nipples inverted?
HANS: Nope. They’re popping right out at me!
HANS begins to massage BLISS’ stomach in a clockwise manner, working his way slowly to her groin and inner thighs. We watch as the film slows down and hear the rhythmic sound of a heartbeat pumping loudly over Silk’s “Freak Me.”
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE 6
BLISS is now face down on the massage table. Ynez remains on the stool while HANS massages BLISS’ legs and buttocks.
HANS: You’ve got a nice round bottom.
YNEZ: Baby, that’s an understatement. Her ass is absolutely wicked.
HANS: Yes, I approve! (Spanks BLISS’ ass)
BLISS (shouting): Spank me, big boy! Spank me!
FADE TO BLACK
THE END
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