Gift Guide

Hard to believe it’s been a year since we last told you that it’s time for you to go out into the cold, rainy weather and buy things. Lots of things. And not for yourself, either—you must buy things for other people. Oh, the joys of living and working in the world’s most powerful capitalist nation! But you can take heart in the fact that none of us finds this easy, so we’ve taken the step of coming up with a few suggestions for some of the individuals in your life whose potential gifts require a little extra effort beyond that of your typical friends and family. And no, you don’t need to thank us. We do this solely out of the kindness of our hearts, and because we couldn’t think of anything to do better this year. So take care, be safe and have a great holiday. And if you don’t put that incense-burning frog down right now we will totally cut you.

FOR THE SINGLE MOM FRIEND WHO REALLY NEEDS A BREAK:

Baby sitter and Pedicure

$8.95/hr for sitting; $26 for the pedicure

If there is anyone out there who needs a break, it’s the single mom. Believe us, we’ve been there. Don’t get her a new pair of shoes or even that really awesome pair of earrings that she’s been eyeing, she doesn’t have the time to enjoy them. Get her what she really needs–alone time with a man who will massage her feet. The Ka‘ahumanu Center has both. Kids love Maui Playcare, so she doesn’t even need to feel guilty about it. Le’s Nail Studio, Queen Ka‘ahumanu Center, Kahului, 873-7495. (SB)


FOR THE WOMAN WHO’S ALREADY PRETTY COOL BUT COULD STAND TO BE JUST A BIT COOLER:

Toe ring

$18-$159

Toe rings are by far the best selling items in the eclectic Tropical Artware collection. They’re full-circle rings and are custom-fitted to each toe in question. You can get them in gold or silver and in a variety of elaborate styles, which you can also mix and match. Like the sistah, some of the rings are pretty simple—these are the ones in the $18 range—while others get down right complicated. Tropical Artware, Wharf Cinema Center, 658 Front St., Lahaina, 667-7100. (AP)


FOR THE FRIEND WHO PULLS A “BRITNEY” EVERY NIGHT AFTER CLUBBING:

Commando low-rise panty or thong

$25-$30 

We’re torn here on what’s more tacky: the dreaded panty-line or accidentally flashing the bits. Most agree that going commando is a no-no, especially if you plan on getting drunk and sloppy in public. But there are a select few (your friend and some of us included) that venture out sans panties on a regular basis. The solution? The Commando panty. Under clothes, it looks and feels like you’ve got nothing on, but if your friend happens to pass out spread-eagle in the parking lot you won’t have to fight off a bunch of creepy guys with cell phone cameras. She’ll thank you in the morning. Josephine’s Lingerie, 99 Hana Hwy, Paia, 579-6229. (SB)


FOR THE NEIGHBOR WITH THE GIGANTIC HOUSE WHO DOESN’T LIKE PETS BUT REALLY SHOULD HAVE A COMPANION:

Gigantic Tiger

$3,450

Can we just say that this Gigantic Tiger at Serendipity is really, really gigantic? Seriously, it looks larger than even a real tiger—not that we’ve lately stood over a real tiger. Anyway, the tiger is stretched out on the ground, as though resting after devouring a gigantic gazelle or something. It’s magnificently painted in bright orange, but is just artistic enough to let people know that it’s not a real gigantic tiger. As far as we can tell, it eats very little, though we only hung out with it for a few moments. Serendipity, Queen Ka‘ahumanu Center, Kahului, 871-1116. (AP)


FOR THE BUDDY WHO WANTS TO LOOK LIKE A MODERN OLYMPIAN ATHLETE, EVEN IF HE OR SHE REALLY ISN’T:

Teva Sports Sandal

$98.95

Were Achilles or Hercules alive today, he would wear these slippers. Brutally tough, strong and wrapped in thick straps and sharp points, they scream at the world that the wearer is preparing to run up the slopes of Haleakala. Yet they’re still comfortable—they are slippers, not combat boots—and convey a definite confidence in health and outdoor enjoyment. Put simply, no one—not even a real sissy—looks like a sissy in a Teva Sport Sandal. Shoe Fetish in Kihei has lots of styles—even Achilles probably didn’t wear the same sandal in every battle—so please ask for help. Shoe Fetish, Pi‘ilani Center, Kihei, 874-8111. (AP)


FOR THE GUY WHO LIKES HAWAIIAN CULTURE AND ART AND ISN’T MODEST ABOUT DRESS:

Vintage Aloha Shirt

$40 and up

Who wouldn’t want to wear a replica of the Aloha Shirt worn by Montgomery Clift in From Here to Eternity? Or one donned by Elvis during one of his numerous, interminable Hawai‘i pictures? Anyone can buy an Aloha Shirt swathed in earth tones from Tommy Bahamas, but these vintage shirts—sold only on Maui at the tiny Aloha Shirt Museum—yell with the wild vibrancy that characterized Hawaiian fashion in the 1940’s and 50’s. And if you’re friend is a bit on the rich side and scoffs at reproductions of anything, fork over a couple grand and get him the original, which was often made on a hosiery machine that produced a satin-like fabric that isn’t even available anymore. Aloha Shirt Museum, 780 Front St., Lahaina, 661-7172. (AP)


FOR THE CAT, AKA “THE HITMAN”:

Neptune’s Napper by Savy Tabby

$59.99

Really, who else kills for you? Roaches, mice, and bedroom slippers shiver when your cat is around. While you sleep, he’s out there in the dark, stalking his prey. In the morning, carcasses line your porch like gifts. We know, it’s gross to shake rat guts from your favorite shoes, but he has the best of intentions. This Christmas show your appreciation by getting him a plush kitty-napper shaped like a gigantic goldfish. He’ll get the irony, and you’ll get more rodents. Birkin & Bailey’s Boutique, 21 Baldwin Ave., Paia, 579-9805. (SB)


FOR THE STEPDAD WHO’S SO RICH HE MIGHT AS WELL BE TOMMY BAHAMA:

(Not so) Miniature Ships

$175 – $9500

Sometimes your mom forgets that 20 years ago your family was all about the Sloppy Joe Manwich and Salvation Army threads. Since “New Dad” came along (conveniently after you paid your own way through college) it’s been yachts, Four Season overnighters and glittery baubles for Mom. So what do you get for a guy who changed your mom from housekeeper to world traveler with one swipe of his credit card? His own boat of course! Considering your student loan payments, he’ll understand that you can’t get him the real thing, but he will appreciate the detail and quality of an expertly constructed replica from Konrad’s. Plus, it’ll look great on his mantel. Konrad’s Ship Gallery, 120 Hana Hwy, Paia, 579-9622. (SB)


FOR THE FATHER WHO DOESN’T HAVE NEARLY ENOUGH HIPPIE COLOR IN HIS LIFE:

Hand-painted tissue box

$8

It’s just a wooden box, sized and shaped to slip over a regular cardboard tissue box you find at the supermarket. But it’s also hand-painted with bright fish, which is sure to brighten up any bathroom. And the only place we’ve seen this is at Rainbow Atti, which is tucked away in a corner of the Foodland shopping center in Kihei. But keep in mind that Rainbow Attic sells used goods, and they don’t exactly have a large (or even small) stock of these things. If you stop by and they’re out of the tissue box, there’s a lot of other great stuff like extravagant martini glasses, picture frames vases and ceramic bunny rabbits lying around that will probably work just as well. Rainbow Attic, 1881 S. Kihei Rd., 874-0884. (AP)


FOR THE GUY THAT’S ON THE EDGE AND COULD REALLY RELAX:

Celestite shard

$24

Known as the “dream crystal,” Celestite is a translucent to transparent pale blue crystal made primarily from Strontium Sulfate. They occur in exotic places like New York, California, Ohio and sometimes Madagascar. They are said to clear minds and relieve tension, bringing about a serenity that helps in dream recall and “astral travel.” If you’re not sure how best to use one of these things, someone at Maui Body & Soul will be more than happy to provide insightful instruction. Maui Body & Soul, Azeka Mauka Shopping Center. 1279 S. Kihei Rd., 875-9004. (AP)


FOR THE CHICK YOU JUST STARTED SEEING BUT DON’T WANT TO MAKE TOO MUCH OF AN EFFORT FOR AND THUS LOOK LIKE YOU WANT TO GET ALL SERIOUS:

Tuberose gift box

$38

We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: chicks dig soap. And the smaller, and more delicate, the better. Hence the wonderful brilliance of the Tuberose gift box: a small jar of Rich Butter Cream—full of almond, aloe, avocado and cocoa butters for application to dry skin—and a couple nuggets of “Dream Soaps,” all wrapped up in a little wicker box. And it all comes direct from Haiku, which ads a soothing, Maui authenticity to the whole deal. Maui Body & Soul, Azeka Mauka Shopping Center. 1279 S. Kihei Rd., 875-9004. (AP)


FOR THE BROTHER WHO STILL LIVES AT YOUR PARENT’S HOUSE:

Old school Nintendo shirt

$28

Okay, he’s a total looser, but he is still your brother. This Christmas show him that you understand what he’s all about by getting him a shirt with a Goomba or Magic Mushroom from the original Super Mario Brothers on it. A gift like this says, “It’s cool to be totally stuck in 12-year old land” which he’ll appreciate so much he may even let you play first on the Power Pad after Christmas dinner. Hot Topic, Ka‘ahumanu Center, 877-9733. (SB)


FOR THE NIECE OR NEPHEW WHO RECITES POETRY DURING CONVERSATION:

Maui OnStage Season Punch Card

$128

We relate with the artistic bookish types and believe us–there is nothing they would want more than free admission to many of the inspiring shows that Maui OnStage puts on at the historic Iao Theater. This past season Maui OnStage put on some great stuff like The Full Monty and Blithe Spirit. Shows like this are nourishment for the artistic soul. Don’t let your future Claire Daines or Matt Damon wither away. Maui OnStage Box Office, 244-6969. (SB)


FOR THE DAD WHO TOLD PODAGEE JOKES AT YOUR WEDDING:

Frank DeLima’s Hawaii, I Love It

$16.98

We have a dad like this too. Remember when you were a kid and he would take you down to War Memorial Gym when Frank DeLima would come to town? Remember how he would impersonate Tita Turner for weeks? Show your dad that you remember the good times from your keiki days by buying him the first Frank Delima CD to come out in six years. After he listens to it, you can expect him to ask you what you call two Podagee’s fighting in a car. The answer: Cabral. Car-brawl? Get it? www.frankdelima.com. (SB) 


FOR THE FRIEND ON THE MAINLAND WHO ALWAYS WANTS YOU TO BRING THEM KONA COFFEE WHEN YOU VISIT:

Mokka coffee

$14.05/8 oz. bag

Grown, harvested, roasted and poured entirely on the Westside, this coffee is some of the richest you’ll find. Maui Grown Coffee’s Maui Mokka—which originally comes from Ethiopia—is grown in Ka‘anapali and nowhere else on Earth. The small beans only come in a medium roast, because they’d burn if you go darker. If you think they’ll like something else, try the Burgundy-like Red Catuai coffee, Kona-like Typica coffee or the Lahaina Beach Blend of light and dark coffees. Oh, and Maui Grown offers a 10 percent kama‘aina discount. Maui Grown Coffee, 277 Lahainaluna Rd., Lahaina, 661-2728. (AP)


FOR THE DUDE WHO FOR SOME REASON DECIDED TO GET MARRIED AND IS NOW HAVING A BACHELOR PARTY:

“Modesty Gourd”

$59-$79

We’ve all seen the National Geographic films of the guys in Papua New Guinea, hunting in the jungle with blow-guns while wearing nothing more than a dried gourd around their, well, manhood. Well, many of us have seen these films… what? Anyway, nothing says drunken pre-marital debauchery like these gourds, which can carry the unique but telling name of “Modesty Gourd.” In fact, we’re told Tropical Artware recently had to ship a big order to Chicago for one such party. Sounds slightly disturbing, but we’re sure they were used in good, healthy fun. Tropical Artware, Wharf Cinema Center, 658 Front St., Lahaina, 667-7100. (AP)


FOR THE POLITICIAN WHO LIVES DOWN THE STREET:

Hand-carved See No Evil… monkeys

$180

There is bitter wisdom in these monkeys, the way they sit there seeing no evil, hearing no evil and speaking no evil… There is a smug superiority about them as they gently mock humanity’s stunning capacity for moral hypocrisy. What servant of the people wouldn’t want a set of three perched on a high shelf, surveying their office as attorneys, lobbyists and sycophants come and go about business? Tropical Artware, Wharf Cinema Center, 658 Front St., Lahaina, 667-7100. (AP)


FOR THE HARD-CORE SMOKING FRIEND:

Gas Mask Bong

$59 – $69

Glass pipes are so 1995. In this day and age, the discriminating smoker (and yes, that’s how we intend to refer to people who use this kind of glassware) knows that a Gas Mask Bong is where it’s at. Sure, we’ve heard that the heavy duty influx of smoke can make you go into an emphysema-like coughing fit, but boring ol’ run of the mill pipes sure don’t come with a gas mask. And dude, in this day and age you can never be too prepared for bio or chemical warfare. With a Gas Mask Bong found at Westside Vibes, your buddy will be able to spread the peace of Jah while covering his own ass because Babylon is out to get us, man. Westside Vibes, 991 Limahana St., Lahaina, 667-1900. (SB)


FOR THE METROSEXUAL FRIEND:

Ty Murray Cologne

$49.95

He’s too beautiful for his own good. In fact, he’s so gorgeous that the ladies think that he can’t possibly be straight, hence his lack of Saturday night dates. Forget the manicure gift certificate this year. He has them booked in advance anyway. Get him some cologne from Aloha Cowboy that says, “Me strong bull rider” while not smelling at all like Brut. The scent is a luscious combination of mandarin, bergamot, neroli, persimmon, rosemary, nasturtium, jasmine, woody, amber, cedar and patchouli. It’ll make the ladies swoon without the confusing signals of Gucci’s Envy. Aloha Cowboy, 3643 Baldwin Ave., Makawao, 573-8190. (SB)


FOR THE KID WHO CAN’T HAVE A PET BECAUSE HIS PARENT’S LANDLORD’S A SCHMUCK:

Perfect Petz

$41 

It doesn’t poop, pee, shed or eat. Nor does it chew couches, slippers or hump legs. Best of all? It looks really real because it “breathes” and sleeps eternally. This is great because you can actually trick the child into thinking it’s an authentic animal by saying that it only wakes up in the middle of the night. Available at Collections in Makawao, it comes with a brush so the kid can brush it and love it and call it its own, without getting the family evicted. Oh, and it’s affordable to working people—unlike some wooden jungle cats one of us who shall go nameless seems to think we all need… Collections, Makawao, 572-0781. (SB)


FOR THE SIBLING WHO FINALLY MANAGED TO GET HIS OR HER OWN PLACE:

Incense-burning Frog

$29.99

Nothing says island living more than burning some incense in a hand-carved wooden frog. What? It’s a frog that’s for burning incense! The smoke comes out its mouth! Yes, these things exist! The owner says they’re really popular, so you best hurry. What, your sibling doesn’t want to place one of those things in their brand-new apartment? Then get them a six-pack of Maui Brewing Company beer. Kala Mart’s got plenty of those, too. Kala Mart, 2511 S. Kihei Rd., 891-2424. (AP)


FOR THE GUY WHO REALLY WANTS TO PLAY DRUMS BUT HAS NO MUSICAL TALENT WHATSOEVER:

Hand-carved gong with double dragon

$1,995

We all know this guy, we all love this guy, but damn—he’s just not going to cut it in a band, even as a drummer. But he’s a good guy, and since we should all encourage musical interest, it’s in your best interest to get him this gong, which is found at the Queen Ka‘ahumanu Center’s Serendipity store. This is a gorgeous, elaborate piece, with two—not just one!—fearsome, colorful dragons hand-carved along the arch that holds the gong. Now it’s a big piece, so we suggest you set it up outside, preferably at least 100 yards from the house. You know, just in case he’s not that adept at even this simplest of musical instruments. Serendipity, Queen Ka‘ahumanu Center, Kahului, 871-1116. (AP)


FOR THE FRIEND THAT’S TAKEN THE PARIS HILTON THING WAY TOO FAR:

Skull Bathing Suit by Monkey Daze Inc.

$39.95

This girl is ridiculously thin, makes homemade porn on the weekends, thinks she coined the phrase “That’s hot” and enjoys the company of small dogs. Still, she’s your friend and needs a gift that’s just as ridiculously flashy as her. The answer is dog clothes. Her Tinkerbell knockoff will look cute and slightly slutty in a skull cutout bathing suit that is all the rage right now. We promise that your friend will squeal, jump around the room and maybe even shed a tear when she realizes that if the real Paris only knew, she would be soooo jealous. Birkin & Bailey’s Boutique, 21 Baldwin Ave., Paia, 579-9805. (SB)


FOR THE WOMAN WHO WANTS TO LOOK LIKE A VINTAGE PIN UP:

Joli Jewelry

$26-$140

She totally pulls off false eyelashes and siren red lipstick in an “old-school movie star” rather than “cheesy hostess bar” kind of way, even if she’s covered in tattoos and has several body piercings. She’s going to love the limited edition jewelry collection by Joli. All the pieces look like Uma Thurman wore them in Pulp Fiction and are totally unique, vintage, one-of-a-kind finds. Seriously funky yet strangely classic, just like her. David Warren Gallery, 3625 Baldwin Ave., Makawao, 572-1288. (SB) MTW

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