BEST PLACE TO GET MARRIED
The beach
Oh, the romance of the beach: The mystical ocean and waves, strolling hand in hand in the sand, watching sunsets on beach blankets with your lover. Obviously there are plenty Maui Time romantics out there because the beach got the votes on this ballot. If you’re going to go all out and get married, why not take it to the beach? Maui’s got lots of great beaches and coastline to choose from that can accommodate a wedding party from two to 200. Who knows, maybe all your guests can breathe the love in the air and make a love connection of their own. Beaches located island wide for your wedding convenience. [JR]
BEST GOLF COURSE
Kapalua
Oh, the rolling slopes, the magnificent views, the drunken golf cart meanderings… uh, no, I’ve never played a game of golf in my life. But you, the readers, have and expertly voted that Kapalua has the best golf courses Maui has to offer. Experts? Right. I mean, you’ve seen one golf course, you’ve seen ‘em all! There’s a bunch of holes—what, like 18 or so?—some obstacles, like a big sand pit and a random lake or two, some hills, a sharp turn here and there, and the most well-manicured greens. Wailea’s a close second. The Bay Course, 300 Kapalua Dr., 669-8820; The Village Course, 2000 Village Rd., 669-8835; The Plantation Course, 2000 Plantation Club Dr., 669-8877. [SC]
BEST NUDE BEACH THAT ISN’T LITTLE BEACH
Here we use the term “best” pretty loosely, since it’s also the only nude beach we’ve found that isn’t Little Beach. The beach is in Paia—big surprise there—between the main Baldwin Beach parking lot and the new Paia Skate Park, concealed from the highway by open space and sugar cane. It’s surprisingly easy to get to—if you park in the Baldwin Beach lot, just walk south along the shore until you find it—park over by the skate park, head north. Now keep in mind this place is very small and not all that private—on weekends, a lot of locals like to pitch tents and camp about a dozen yards away. Then again, you don’t have to scale any lava cliffs to get to it. [GT]
BEST PLACE TO SPEND THE FOURTH OF JULY
Lahaina
The only reason you people voted for Lahaina is because of the fireworks show. Well, that’s a pretty good reason, though anyone who’s seen the fireworks shows at Disneyland or the Statue of Liberty or the Tulahoma County State Fair knows Lahaina doesn’t exactly light up the sky. But it’s a decent show and the kids love it. And isn’t that what the Fourth of July is all about? Of course not. The Fourth is about grilling dogs and getting smashed and raising hell. It’s the Fourth for chrissake! It’s America’s birthday! What do you think all those old white guys in wigs were talking about 200 some odd years ago, anyway? In conclusion, Freedom equals good, brutal totalitarian dictatorships equals bad. Happy Fourth! [AP]
BEST BEACH PARK
Kamaole III
What, are you guys nuts? This beach won last year. Then-Maui Time writer Ian Houston even called it his favorite place for “checking out weird man boobs.” Yeah, young Ian had problems. I think he ended up getting deported or something. Anyway, Kamaole III in Kihei is an okay beach—it’s big, with lots of grass and lots more people. But on an island that has Ho’okipa, Ka’anapali, Baldwin, Makena, Launiupoko and Wailea, why you people go with Kamaole III is beyond me. Maui is nothing but gorgeous postcard beaches! And we’re not even talking about Napili Bay, the red sand beach in Hana, Palauea Beach, D.T. Fleming Beach, or Airport Beach. But if you like big crowded beaches next to major highways, so be it. [AP]
BEST PLACE TO PLAY BOCCE BALL
Chang’s Beach
Yup, this quiet hidden stretch of sand south of Wailea between the Makena Surf and Five Graves offers the best Bocce Ball opportunities. The water has carved small coves in the shore, making for interesting terrain. The place is beautiful and, as an added bonus, there aren’t a lot of people around. That’s really nice because you don’t want to throw the pill and hit some little kid. [AP]
BEST PLACE TO SEE A DUDE IN SPEEDOS
Ka’anapali Beach
Hey you… strutting the beaches at Ka’anapali trying to pick up babes. Newsflash: Speedo’s went out with the ‘70s. Actually, they weren’t even cool back then, but people had lower standards when it came to style. Yeah, size might matter, but for the love of God, not everyone wants to see yours. Didn’t your daddy ever tell you to put a bun around that burger? Do us all a favor and cover… it… up. Go buy yourself some board shorts and leave the speedos for when you dance in front of your mirror at home. That, or take it to Little Beach, friend. [EG]
BEST PLACE TO BREAK UP
Moose McGillycuddy’s
While you voted Moose’s for the best place to meet your future ex, you also decided Moose’s is the best place to break up. Ingenious! One-stop dating! 844 Front St., Lahaina, 667-7758. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO WATCH MONDAY NIGH T FOOTBALL
The Sports Page Bar & Grill
I’m sure the Sports Page is a better place than most to watch Monday Night Football. But, I’ve got to ask—why would anyone waste an afternoon in paradise inside a sports bar? First of all, it starts at 3 p.m., which is prime beach time. It’s a lot better to be surfing or hiking through the jungle. And Monday Night Football attracts too many dudes. Take a girl on a date or support local music if you have to go out on Monday night. Then there’s the fact that NFL players get paid millions of dollars to live out their dreams. More people ought to be creating their own lives and living out their dreams, and Maui is a great place to do it. Living vicariously through pro sports and talking trash in a bar won’t make it happen. Give up the silly mainland attachments, already. 2411 S. Kihei Rd., Unit B-4, Kihei, 879-0602. [JG]
BEST PLACE TO MEET A TAN, HARD-BODIED GUY/GAL
Join a canoe club
Forget the health benefits of exercise. Forget the reverence to Hawaiian culture you pay when you continue the tradition of outrigger canoe paddling. Forget the sense of community you get from joining any one of the many fabulous canoe clubs around the island. All those wet, glistening muscles working in unison in the sun? All that sweaty, gasping determination in the unending quest for victory? Yeah, team sports, baby! Who needs a smelly old gym when you can ogle the pumped men and women of your local canoe club while you get some rays? It sure beats those late-night QVC exercise machine infomercials you’ve been watching. Sicko. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO SNORKEL
Papalaua Wayside Park
No one knows about this place. NO ONE. Okay, maybe lots of people. But it is a sweet spot. Just park your car at the north end of the Pali, near Mile Marker 11 and jump in. But you have to make sure you swim out far if you want to see good sea life, like turtles and those weird fish with horns in their heads. [GT]
BEST PLACE TO GET LOST
Hana
Again, wrong answer. How can anyone get lost in Hana? It’s set up like just about every other beach town on this rock, with a lower road near the water and wider, faster upper road. There’s a bay—near the ocean—and a lot of ranch land near the hills. Now Haiku—there’s a place with roads designed to screw you up. I’ve gotten lost just looking at a map of Haiku. There are so many twists and turns through emerald green gulches that it’s ridiculously easy to loose any sense of direction. Hey, don’t get me wrong—getting lost in Haiku is wonderful. The place is gorgeous and serene. [AP]
BEST PLACE TO BODY SURF
Big Beach
The waves are big, the sand is soft and the water is clean. What more do you want—Halle Berry in a thong holding your hand as you enter and exit the surf? Hey, that’s not a bad idea… [GT]
BEST BEACH FOR BARBECUING
Launiupoko Park
No one really knows why, but barbecuing at the beach is a part of American culture. Maybe it’s the way the salty sea air mixes with the burning coals, or perhaps people just get giddy eating a hamburger seconds after they’ve come out of the water. Who cares. But the small beach park at Launiupoko is the best place for grilling up meat in front of the surf. The only problem is that lots of people know this, so get there early on the weekends. [GT]
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